It’s been a week now since I’ve updated. Mostly it’s been all bad. The day after I last posted here, I was chewed out at work by a person who is not my boss but who insisted on giving me a ride home, evidently so she could lay on me all the things that she thought I was doing wrong. Because I’d had a bad night that night, trying to function on very low sleep, and continuing to try to adjust to this new medication, I sort of felt as though I was being hit below the belt. To address all her criticisms effectively would have involved implicating the conductor, which I did not want to do. I felt, as I have often felt while accompanying this particular church choir, like a scapegoat. It’s easier to blame things on the accompanist, whom you can clearly hear; than on the conductor, whom you cannot clearly see – and this is part of the problem. I became really angry over the whole thing, and I almost quit my job. It doesn’t pay me well enough to have to keep putting up with all this pettiness, when I feel I’m doing the best job I can do.
The conductor herself is not faulting me for my job performance, either. It’s only the members of the Choir. I’ve talked with my pastor about this, and basically what I’m supposed to do is try to remember Who is being glorified here. But that’s the problem – God is not being glorified. There’s just a bunch of petty bickering that makes me feel like I don’t belong there. To be honest, I’m still thinking about quitting. I’m on a fixed income anyway – and when the Feds found out I was working, they charged me all kinds of money and chopped my Social Security payments practically in half. I’d have been making more money had I never dared to get a part-time church job to begin with. So I’ve definitely only been hanging on to the job for its propensity to glorify God. It’s not as though there’s a monetary advantage in my keeping the job. In fact, ideally, I would only be a member of the church, with no job responsibilities whatsoever. But somebody has to do it, and I have a funny feeling I’m not going to be able to quit. Something tells me that, much as I dislike my world right now, it’s still the best of all possible worlds, for me.
So all of this has been preoccupying me. I fell into a deep depression, and I called in sick on Sunday when, to say that I was “sick” was probably more than a minor understatement. I couldn’t focus on my playwriting at all. I had begun to worry that I have been focusing too much on the playwriting anyway, and not enough on my job. I had even discussed this with my pastor, and no doubt will discuss it with the therapist when I meet with him next on Friday. The church is supposed to provide a spiritual anchor – and I guess, in most ways, it does. God probably also knows some things I am loathe to admit; for instance, that if I didn’t have the job, I probably would never make it to church. So any “anchorage” I’m getting from the church itself wouldn’t be happening if I didn’t have the job that goes with it.
I slept round the clock for three days solid. Finally, I cut back on my medication unilaterally. I just can’t be as exhausted as I’ve been, and expect to get anything accomplished on any level. I’m beginning to curse myself for even conceding to take the meds. They’ve never done me any good in the past. Why would now be any different? I thought they were helping me to handle the social interaction of my Writer’s groups. But now I just want to lay in bed all day, and not interact socially at all. This is unlike me. I’m not prone to depression, as a general rule. Maybe the meds are making me depressed?
I think I’ll take back my mania, thank you. But gosh – there’s got to be a middle ground! I’ll call the doctor today, and hopefully he’ll either take me off the meds or cosign my decision to cut back. I should have called earlier, but I was too depressed to deal with reality. Only this morning did I finally arise at a normal hour. Only last night did I make some headway with the script. And, I didn’t like letting a whole week go by without updating, so I figure I’d post my truth. Now, if you don’t mind, I must cease this whiny rant and all the self-piteous bemoanings that go along with it. I abhor these kinds of personal entries; I’m an Artist; I have pride. Guess that’s the bottom line.
I’m an Artist – and I must have pride. But I’m a Christian – and I must not have pride. Somehow there’s a “never the twain shall meet” aspect of all this — and it doesn’t sit well in my stomach.