I had to go back to the post The Next Step to find out exactly where I had begun to veer off course. For it was clear that I had strayed, and very clear what kinds of elements had characterized the diversion. I only lacked a decent starting point, in order to resume my course, and avoid those elements that earlier had polluted the purity of my path, and had instead instilled a sense of paralysis and meltdown. The deleterious elements of which I speak involved, invariably, the ill-timed and often ill-equipped efforts with which I most awkwardly attempted to enlist the allegiance of local talents of various sorts to assist me in some way in promoting my project.
First. there was the concert that never came about. We had to cancel our earlier show when it came clear that my musicians could not possibly get enough practice to turn in a decent show by the predesignated time. It was suggested we reschedule; I, for one, insisted we cancel entirely. My music seemed intimidating to them, and theirs to me. I would have to listen to them first for a while, and they to me, before thinking about making something like we had all earlier envisioned come about. So that was rightly set aside. Instead, I would set about to try and find singers for my demo.
This proved to be only another example of the same fruitless expedition. It was far more stressful trying to get these singers together than it was to concede that it just wasn’t going to happen. It would cost money – money that I don’t have, and that I knew not how to get. As I began to endeavor to raise funds, a part of me that I hate rose into prominence, and I cannot feed that demon inside me in any way if it’s going to lead me to some of the preposterous propositions such as I began to entertain. I was sickened with myself, infuriated, disgusted, disillusioned with my fellows, disaffected with society, alienated, isolated, self-abnegating, neglectful of my needs, abusive of my body, disfigured, disheveled, mistreated, misshapen, mortified, mutilated, and finally: majorly incapacitated. I lay on the gurney in the Emergency Room, electrodes probing every pore, as the third EKG in my entire doctor-leery life assured me that this steady chest pain I’d developed was nothing more than pleurisy, and treatable by ibuprofen.
I believe I should leave the rest of the community out of the picture for a while, and dismiss any idea of enlisting their services. Clearly, this was not the course. The Next Step reveals exactly where I would be wise to begin. Aside from talk of organizing a read-thru, which may or may not be necessary (or even wise, considering all I just wrote), the guidelines in that post paint a clear picture of a new starting point that doesn’t involve awkward attempts at creating new associations among my acquaintances, but only involves things that I can do all by myself. I was thriving when intensely focusing on my music or my script, and their seeing me so thrive is what impressed them from the start — whoever “they” are, which is probably more irrelevant now than I’d ever thought before.
It doesn’t matter who they are, or even what they see, just so long as they don’t see what I’ve been showing them most recently. “Better a dry morsel,” saith the Preacher, “and quietness therewith, than a house full of sacrifices with strife.” (Proverbs 17:1)
That’s the only house that I’ve been building lately. It has no sure foundation. If I sit still, and quietly proceed to notate my piano-vocal score, and look for reasonable revisions to be made in my script in the process, there’s something sure and steady about the construction of that house. Whatever dry morsels I might chew on throughout, their cost will not be half the cost of what I just endured. And maybe by the time it takes me to complete that score and second draft, I’ll have a thousand dollars in the bank to invest on hiring singers for the demo, not just trying to round up people in my midst whom I cannot pay and all have better things to do. I risk being perceived a pest. This will not do.
Let’s throw some chicken gumbo soup into the microwave and make another turkey sandwich. No sense in doing the town. The town has just done me.
3 thoughts on “Sacrifices with Strife”
If it wasn’t hard, everyone would be doing it, Andy. Take a break, breathe, and then pick yourself up and try again. My best to you on this journey.
Thanks, Diana. We’ll see how things go. I suppose anything can happen.
If I can just find the Starting Point. Taking a “break” at this point only fills my head with self-loathing and despair.