Last night I sent the music to my song “The Very Same World” to Erika, the new Director of Music at my church. This afternoon I found myself writing very nervously in my private diary. Included were passages such as follows:
I felt instantly horrible about the song I sent her the very first moment after I clicked on “send.” Before I clicked on “send,” I thought my song had promise. Immediately after knowing it would soon be scrutinized by a person of intimidating musical talent, I decided that the song sucked.
I chose that song, The Very Same World, only because of three things:
1. An earlier, faster version of it has gotten far more plays on my SoundCloud than any other song of mine.
2. When I sent my music to my brother, he singled out “The Very Same World” as the song he liked the best, calling it an “excellent composition” and “world class.”
3. When I sent the lyrics to my daughter, she got back to me saying they were “awesome!”
Other than that, no one has really commented on it. I don’t much like it myself. I somewhat regret not finding the time today to get “Midnight Screams” to her instead. But “Midnight Screams” forces the singer to extend a very high long “e” sound, odiously enough. I haven’t gotten around to changing the words yet, which might even involve changing the title, since that “e” sound is on the word “screams.’ Forget what high note it is specifically, but it’s high.
Later, after the church dinner, I spoke briefly with Erika. During the brief conversation, I changed my mind. I decided the “Same World” tune was good after all, because I heard myself sing a few lines from it. The lines sounded good to me when I sang them, and I believe I saw Erika smile.
Most of all, however, when I timidly admitted that I had put the word “screams” on a long-held high note in “Midnight Screams,” forcing the singer to have to sing an extended long E vowel sound, Erika simply said:
She then amazed me with just about the most thrilling long E high note I’ve ever heard. Nobody’s going to shout “verboten” at that good a voice – and now I don’t have to change the title either.
I slept well last night. My neurosis has been relieved.
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2 thoughts on “Psychology of an Insecure Creative”
Love the title of this post, Andy. And enjoyed the build up to that E being externalised!
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Thanks, Lynne. I thought you might enjoy it, you being in tune with the psychology of the creative process. I might even have to write a sequel soon, as further insecurities are revealed.
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