Q. Do you know who I am?
A. Not sure. You could be one thing, or another.
Q. Why have you summoned me?
A. Because I am a crossroads. I could go one way, or another.
Q. But couldn’t you have said that yesterday?
A. I could have. And I should have — since yesterday was Tuesday. I could have talked to you on Tuesday, like I’m supposed to. But I didn’t. And that’s part of the problem.
Q. Why didn’t you talk to me yesterday?
A. I don’t know. I meant to. I tried to. But every time I started, I came up against a brick wall.
Q. And today?
A. Today I still — don’t quite know what to say, or to do. I still feel like talking to you is like talking to a brick wall.
Q. Then why are you bothering?
A. Because — I’m supposed to. I’ve found that if I see you every Tuesday — or once a week rather, even if it’s Wednesday or Thursday — I somehow stay tuned up. I stay in touch with myself. I know what I’m supposed to be about.
Q. You do??
A. Well, no — not now I don’t. But over time, if I practice this consistently, with discipline, then yes, I begin to get a better idea what I’m supposed to be about.
Q. Can you really give me that power? I mean, considering you’re not even sure who I am?
A. Not logically, no. And I don’t mean to, exactly. It’s not you who is the solution. It’s the process. The fact that I choose to engage this dialectic, once a week, with consistency. It adds up, eventually. It means something. It takes me somewhere.
Q. Even when it feels like it doesn’t?
Q. How does it feel right now?
A. Shitty. Lousy. It’s all a reflection of my — my uncertainty. My unwillingness.
A. Yeah — I’m not willing to — to make a move, one way or another.
Q. Why not?
Q. Fear of — what?
A. Fear that I’ll be – barking up the wrong tree. Choosing the wrong path.
Q. How will you know till you try?
A. I won’t.
Q. Then why don’t you just try one way, or the other, and see what happens?
A. Because I have not counted the costs. Of either path. I haven’t sat down and listed the pros and cons. I haven’t really made an effort to scan each option, and make a conscious decision which one looks to be the better.
Q. Then why not sit down and do so?
A. Good idea.
Q. Isn’t that better than wallowing?
A. It is.
Q. Isn’t it better than being frozen in fear?
A. Yes, it is. Even though I’m not yet taking one path or another, at least I’m doing something.
Q. What’s that?
A. Deciding. I’m making a conscious, concerted decision – and taking the time to do it. I’m not juat taking this decision lightly, nor am I avoiding it.
Q. Do you feel then that I have helped you this morning?
A. Yes, you have.
Q. May I then be excused?
A. Yes. You may go.
The Questioner is silent.
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2 thoughts on “Tuesday Tuneup 19”
I think this is the first time you’ve actually excused the Questioner. Seems like you’re getting more in touch with that annoying logical part of yourself. :)
Maybe. My experience writing this was more like waking up on Wednesday morning thinking I was a day late and then writing down whatever came to my mind in the Q & A format until it seemed like a logical time to stop. I don’t think I even finished an entire cup of coffee in the process.