Categories
Family Homelessness love mental health Piano

Tuesday Tuneup Fifty

Q. What’s been bugging you lately?

A. Remnants and reminders.

Q. Of what?

A. Not of what — of whom.  Of the last person who lived here with me.

Q. What kind of remnants?  What kind of reminders?

A. Oh – a dresser.  A book case.  About fifty books. A bunch of foodstuffs that seem unusual to me, grains collected in canisters, things that look like rice that don’t taste like rice, and other stuff I don’t want to touch.  Unreceived mail, a pair of very nice dress boots.   And many knick knacks.  A tapestry that reminds me of her.  A carpet that reminds me of her.  And an upright piano that I never play, because it reminds me of her.   It doesn’t belong to her, but it reminds me of her.   

Q. Can’t you just ask her to come get her things?

A. She hasn’t answered a text or call from me for several months.  I have asked her many times.  Once she even came up to get them, but left almost all of it in the house, inexplicably.   And that also was nearly a year ago.

Q. Why did she leave all of that stuff with you?

A. I don’t know.   It may be a hardship for her to get up here and get it.  It might also be that she left it here to “ensure her return.”

Q. Ensure her return?  What do you mean by that?

A. When people inwardly suspect that the day will come when you don’t want them around any longer, they have a tendency to leave some of their belongings with you, so that you can’t say “no” when they want to come back.

Q. Have other people done that with you?

A. Yes.  Usually either very insecure people, or scammers of one kind or another.   But to be frank, it hasn’t happened very often in recent years, because I haven’t had a place to live.  For many years, I was homeless.   So it’s particularly disconcerting that it’s happening now, when I finally do have a place to live.  

Q. Isn’t this all a bit inconsiderate of her?

A. It would seem that way, yes.  I doubt she considers the issue.  It doesn’t seem like she gives it a second thought.  I’m pretty sure she assumes that I’m easy about it — if she even ever thinks about it at all.   I don’t think she thinks about what effect it might have on me to feel as though this home of mine that I was so lucky to get after all those years on the streets is her home and not mine.

Q. What do you mean?  How can it be her home and not yours?

A. Because I feel as though I am living in the type of apartment that she would have, all done up the way she would do up an apartment.  It’s not the way I would do up the apartment.  Her personality, her spirit, is all over this place.

Q. Is that a problem?

A. It wasn’t when we were still together.  When we were still together, my spirit was her spirit.  We were One.   But now that we’re not together, my spirit is my spirit.  And it’s a new spirit, which is not compatible with my old spirit.

A. So how can you solve this problem?

Q. By renting a U-Haul for about $50, boxing up all her things, putting the bookcase and the dresser in the U-Haul, and taking it all down to the basement of my church.   We’ll mark it for safekeeping, and it will be safer there than it is in my house.

Q. Why would it be safer in your church basement?

A. Because I occasionally allow homeless people to stay at my house, which is a risk.  One of them ripped me off.

Manliga och kvinnliga tecken, Vektorbild - Clipart.meQ. May I ask you something?

A. By all means.

Q. Do you love her?

Pause.

A. That depends upon what you mean by love.   

Q. Did she hurt you?

A. Yes.  She says she didn’t intend to, and I believe her.  But I wound up getting hurt, and I’d rather not be hurt if I don’t need to be.

Q. Do you think that you hurt her?

A. I can think of some things I have done that probably hurt her.  But I didn’t intend to hurt her either.   This is why I believe her, when she says she didn’t mean to hurt me.   Different people are hurt by different things.

Q. Are you saying that you and she are incompatible?

A. Yes!  And that’s the best way to frame it.

Q. Are you still hurt by her?

A. Only on a bad day — and only because all these remnants and reminders of her are strewn about my house.  If I get lonely, if I get depressed, I keep having to look at the remains of her spirit.  It can be painful. 

Q. Aren’t relationships usually painful?

A. I have no idea.  I’ve only been in one meaningful relationship.  Come to think of it, however, even the meaningless relationships that I’ve had eventually turned out to be painful.   

Q. Do you want to be in a relationship?

A. I don’t know.   I don’t think in terms of relationships.   It’s not in my nature to pursue them.   

Q. Do you prefer being alone?

A. That, I don’t know either.  I don’t have much to measure it against, other than the one relationship to which I refer.

Q. What about sex?

A. What about it?  It’s a nice thing to contemplate, but in reality, it’s unwieldy.  Not to mention, I space out.  I don’t focus well.  I focus better on other things.

Q. Like what?

ABlack Grand Piano Clip Art at Clker.com - vector clip art online, royalty free & public domain. Like playing the piano.

Q. But the piano is only an inanimate instrument, isn’t it?

A. I beg to differ.  The piano responds to me.   The piano reflects me.  I animate the piano with my will.  But making love is different than that.  To animate another person with my will would be nothing but a control issue, a manipulation.  I refuse to do that.  I am not God.

Q. Why am I getting the feeling you need professional help?

A. I’m already getting professional help.   I have a therapist, and I’m also involved in pastoral counseling.

Q. What does the therapist say?

A. He says she probably has Borderline Personality Disorder.

Q. But what does he say about you?

A. He says that I don’t like to address my mental health issues directly because I feel that they make a positive contribution to my Artistic efforts.  He says it’s more important for me to create beautiful Art than it is for me to work on developing a beautiful personality.

Q. Is that true?

A. Well, he’s not the first person to have said it.  It’s gotten me to thinking, but I will say that I honestly try to be respectful of others, and to treat all living beings with kindness and dignity.  

Q. What did the pastor say?

A. The pastor said that when she was here, everybody could tell how much happier I was.   How much mellower, and more at peace.   Before she came here, I was stressed and restless.  Since she has been gone, also I am stressed and restless.  But hey — it’s my nature.

Q. What else did he say?

A. That it could very well be that I am not meant to be alone, but that perhaps it is not she with whom I am meant to be..   In other words, the happiness and contentment came from there being a woman in my life.  She just wasn’t the right woman.

Q. But if she wasn’t the right woman, how could she have made you happy?

A. That, sir, is a very good question!

Q. Do you want another woman in your life?

A. Like I said earlier, I don’t know.

Q. Well then, what can you do to alleviate the depression?   

A. For a while, I smoked marijuana.

Q. Why did you stop?

A. Because it’s a drug.   The pain returns when I run out, and is worse than if I never had any to begin with.   Not to mention, I can’t afford it, and I have addictive tendencies around it.  

Q. What else can you do, then?

A. Like I said, I can rent a U-Haul next time I’m flushed, or maybe even get a friend with a truck to help me.  Then I can move all her things to the basement of my church, where they will be in safekeeping — like I said.  After that, I can replace all the items with parallel items that reflect my own spirit, and not hers.

Q. What is her spirit like?

A. Hippie.

Q. And yours?

A. Impoverished yuppie.

Q. But aren’t you an aging hippie?

A. I’m changing into an aging yuppie.

Q. Isn’t that an oxymoron?

A. Next question, please.

Q. Are you separating your spirit from hers?

A. What an awful thought!  I don’t think anyone should separate their spirit from anyone!  That’s like – Anti-Love.  We’re all connected on this planet.  We’re all One.   But my house is my house.  I was on the streets for a long time.  And after all those years, and finally landing a place of my own, I sure don’t want to be living in a house that is not the House of Andy, but the House of —

The Questioner is silent.  

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Categories
Art Artist gratitude Musical Theatre Writer

Gratitude List 1161

(1) Although my obsession with my current project kept me up till 2:30 in the morning, I managed to sleep fairly solidly between 2:30 & 7:30. Very thankful for the restorative power of sleep.

(2) Succeeding in solving about eight different problems with one decision, I finally have a full cast for the show. I am now wearing two hats — not three — and am greatly relieved.

(3) Latah Recovery Center. The camaraderie in that building is like no other place I know.

(4) My new computer will be arriving tomorrow.   Grateful for the compassionate assistance of all the people who pitched in to make sure I would have a computer capable of handling the work I need to do for this project.

(5) It’s a beautiful day here — more like Summer than Spring.   It’s Memorial Day, and no matter what that may mean for different sorts of people, I can’t help but have noticed that all sorts of people are smiling all around town.  

(6) I’m grateful for my friend Danielle, who has been helping me tremendously with the managing of my personal finances.

(7) My new bicycle.  Grateful for the friend who gave it to me.  Grateful for how it gets me to places I need to go so much faster than always having to walk everywhere.  Also grateful for the many fine bike paths, and for being able finally to get myself to some of the neighboring towns.  It feels like a “stepping stone” between my former ways as a total pedestrian, and the long-awaited day when I will finally have a car.

(8) My friends Marilyn and Melissa, whom I met at the Center a couple years ago.  They’re both doing so much better now than ever before.

(9) In a flash, I figured out how to solve all the problems in Act 2, Scene 3 that have kept me hassled and stymied for months now.   I immediately reported my “flash” on my Twitter in two successive blasts as follows:

Capture2

(10) In a somewhat gentler flash, I realized why I’ve felt so hassled with regards to my work.  I’ve been acting as though my work is the top priority, the be-all-and-end-all.  This is not the case!  Life is full of other aspects.  All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.  Not sure if I’m dull ‘yet — but if I keep working so hard to the exclusion of all other things, I’ll be dull as can be in an untimely grave.   So I want to say that I am grateful for this revelation, and of all the colors of the rainbow that is Life.  

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Categories
jazz Musical Performing Arts Piano

Love Theme

It’s about Romeo and Juliet.  

It’s not about me — believe me.  

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Art community Performing Arts

Another Beautiful Gate

heart of the arts

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Categories
mental health Playwriting Psychology

Tuesday Tuneup 49

Q. What’s really bugging you this morning?

A. Way behind on my work.

Q. Is that all?

A. Lousy computer, slowing me down.

Q. Anything else?

A. Scattered, evasive mind-set.  Unwilling to confront harsh realities.  Impatient.  Resentful.  Objecting to this and that.   Generally freaked out.

Image result for pressed for timeQ. Why?

A. Overload.  Too much going on.

Q. What can you do to change this?

A. Simplify.  Eliminate unnecessary stressors.  Smooth out the rough edges.  Count the minutes, count the costs.

Related imageQ. And the costs are?

A. Exorbitant.

Q. How so?

A. You don’t want to know.

Q. May I then therefore be excused?

A. I’d prefer it, frankly.  Am under time pressure.  Time is money and money is time.   I have more important things to do.   Goodbye.

The Questioner is silent.

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Christianity gratitude Music Musical Spirituality

Gratitude List 1152

(1) Managed to get three hours of sleep last night, with dreams even, following one of those long dark nights of the soul.  Slept from about 5 till 8 in the morning.  Glad I got some rest, and glad I can take it easy today.

(2) My daughter is doing so well now.  I and her other friends received her first Gratitude List yesterday — and she thanked me for the idea.  She really has a lot to be thankful for these days, and she knows it.

(3) Latah Recovery Center.  We are here for us when we need us.  It’s like no other place in town.

(4) This town, by the way, is like no other place on Earth.

(5) It’s a beautiful Spring day in the city of my birth.

(6) I can’t help but have noticed that the director of my show sees eye to eye to me.  We are getting along well, and communicating really well, too.  I am also very impressed with the female lead, and others on board, as well.

(7) I have a bicycle now.  It’s fun, and it greatly decreases the amount of time it takes to get from A to B.

(8) The unique events of the past have indeed informed the consciousness of the present, and insights as to this phenomenon have been very useful.  At the same time, I become more grateful when I ponder what kind of future might stem from the present, than I do when I ponder how the present has stemmed from the past.

(9) This is the first time in about as long as I can remember when the musicians in my life have wanted to play my music, and the singers in my life have wanted to sing it — and they’re not even in it for the money.   They actually like the music.   When I really stop to think about how cool this is, the sense of blessing is almost impossible to describe.

(10) I have a lot of problems in my life right now.  But when I think of the blessings, I am renewed in hope.  His blessings are new every morning.  Great is His faithfulness.

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Categories
bible Christianity mental health philosophy Poetry

Make Haste Slowly

Even zeal is no good without knowledge,
and he who hurries his footsteps misses the mark.
— Proverbs 19:2

 

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jazz Musical Musical Theatre Performing Arts Piano

Getting in Tune

Variations on “Getting in Tune” by Pete Townshend.
Andy Pope at the Baldwin Grand, May 17, 2019.

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Categories
Art Artist Creative process Creativity Psychology Spirituality

Tuesday Tuneup 48

Q. What’s really bugging you this morning?

A. My relationship to reality.

Q. What is reality?

A. Well, you know the answer to that.   Reality is what’s actually happening.  It’s what is.

Q. And you are somehow not happening?  You are somehow not?  

A. I didn’t say that!

Q. Well, what are you saying, then?   How are you distinct from reality?

A. I’m distinct from reality in that I am supposed to be real and as such represent reality in the eyes of all who — who —

Q. Who?

A. Who observe me.

Q. Why did I think you were going to say something different than that?

A. Because you probably thought I was going to say: “in the eyes of all who judge me.”

Q. Are there people who are judging you?

A. Well yes, I believe so.  Or at least, they have a hard time not judging me, since they have to observe me.  Once you start observing somebody, it’s only a matter of time before you pass judgment on them.   It’s just human nature.  

Q. But wait – why are all these people observing you?   And who are these people?  

A. Who are they?   Gosh, I don’t know – they could be just about anybody.   Anybody who has access to — to —

Q. To binoculars?

A. No, no, no – to the Internet!   Anybody can pass by this page for any reason, they can look, they can lurk, they can draw conclusions —

Q. Are you trying to tell me that you are afraid of the random trolls and lifeless morning whiskey-guzzlers who idle upon your page at random first thing every Tuesday morning?

A. I never used the word “fear.”

Q. Then why am I picking it up?

A. Probably because I’m paranoid.

Q. What do you mean by that?  If you’re paranoid, aren’t you necessarily afraid?

A. No, not necessarily.  One can be totally paranoid without being afraid at all.  We’ve all met paranoid people who completely believe scenarios about reality that are entirely faulty.  Do they always act scared?  No, they don’t.  Sometimes they have amazing self-confidence.

Q. And are you one of these people?

A. No, I’m not.  But I’m not exactly scared either.   I’m just concerned about my relationship to reality.

Related imageQ. Do you see reality as a threat?

A. That’s a good question.  It’s not so much reality itself that is a threat.  It’s that I myself might never quite relate to reality in a healthy or beneficial way.

Q. How do you relate to reality?

A. Gee whiz, I thought you’d never ask!

Q. Hm?

A. I usually assess it first thing in the morning, see if it stands in my way, and exactly how much it’s in my way, quickly dispose of some of its usual, daily, meager demands, and then go about my business.

Q. And your business is?

A. You already know what my business is.

Q. But how is it that your business opposes reality?

A. It doesn’t.  Not in the highest sense.   My business involves the creation and instigation of — alternative realities.   New ways of looking at old things.   Transformative energies — you know where I’m coming from, don’t you?  It’s a bit crass to elaborate.   

Q. But reality opposes your business?

A. Well, yes.   And again, it all depends on what you think reality is.  If reality is this thing that always is, that never changes, that resists change — well, yes, then of course it opposes my business, and the business of all those like me.  If reality is this more open thing, always embracing that which is new, routinely cleansing, purging itself of what is old, inhaling, welcoming the breath of newness wherever it may be — then, no, reality does not oppose my business, but is in that sense an integral part of my business.

Q. Have you then therefore redefined reality?

A. No.  I’ve only redefined my relationship to it.

Q. And this relationship no longer bothers you?

A. I didn’t say that.   

Q. What are you saying then?

A. Only that the relationship is manageable, for now.

Q. May I then therefore be excused?

A. You may.  I think we’ve exhausted this analysis — for now.

The Questioner is silent.  

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Categories
community Homelessness Musical Musical Theatre Performing Arts

Gratitude List 1147

This one’s from Friday morning (edited slightly toward the end).  

1. Slept a lot, from around 9pm till just 5am, about eight hours. Only got up once to use the bathroom, at around 1:30. Next thing I knew, it was morning.

2. Man, I just remembered sleeping cautiously outside of St. Joseph the Worker church, waking up at least five times in the middle of every night (if I even was fully asleep) having to clandestinely urinate behind a designated bush, and eyeing my surroundings at all times with great concern before stealthily finding my way back to my two layers of cardboard, in order to crawl underneath my two blankets. Contrasting that with #1 above makes me know what I have to be grateful for.

3. Am on 3rd cup of nice Co-Op coffee I brewed in the Black & Decker. Had a dark Hershey bar with almonds and a larger Quaker oatmeal with peanut butter.

4. There was a time when in order to get my morning cup of coffee, I had to stand beneath an outdoor church stairway while an angry black man barked orders at me and others. Eventually, we were all permitted to step upstairs and into a large hall, where one by one we obtained our cups of coffee from the same angry man. We then waited for about a half hour under strict surveilance before permitted to stand in a long line to obtain our oatmeal and peanut butter. If I ever think my life is hard today, I am mistaken.

5. First Presbyterian Church. Great teaching, fellowship, and resources.

6. The location of my apartment is an ongoing blessing. I’m just distanced enough from the hub bub that it makes it difficult to go down to Main Street and get into any trouble even if I do have that anxious hankering on a Friday night.

7. The community of this intriguing, quiet college town is an easy access to inspiration as well as to renewed motivation to cease from unsavory behavior.

8. Today in particular is a new day full of blessing and promise.

9. Outstanding rehearsal last night. For my part, it was a turning point.  I made a point of being well-prepared, of having a clear purpose.   I think the director and the two actors present picked up on this.   Kelsey and Marshall sang Turns Toward Dawn extremely well, and I like what Dave began to do with their scene.   It was a pivotal point, a fulcrum.  I see pretty clearly a very positive direction, from here.

10. Seven-thirty in the morning, and time to get on with the day. God is Good.

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