Tuesday Tuneup 41

Q. Where would you like to be?

A. In a place of greater efficacy.

Q. What do you mean by that?

A. I would like to be more effective.

Q. In what way?

A. In many ways.

Q. Such as?

The Answerer takes a breath.  

A. Such as in my ability to help people.  To make a difference in their lives.   I mean, a positive difference — not a negative one.   Sometimes I just feel like my influence, try as I may to be helpful, winds up being hurtful.  I stick my foot in my mouth at some juncture along the way, and I wind up feeling — I don’t know.   Like a failure, I guess.

Q. Are you a failure?  I mean, objectively speaking?

A. I suppose that depends on what it means to succeed.

Q. What does it mean to succeed?

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A. Very good questions, these.  I think that success must mean different things for different people.   And our notions of success must be somehow wrapped up in our ideas as to life-purpose.   We have this American idea of success here — seems to be dwindling a bit — but it’s the notion that success is related to some kind of worldly advance in monetary gain, accumulation of property, or perhaps a surge in prestige, clout, power, or influence over others.   I don’t know.  A bunch of things that I never really think about.

Q. Then why are you thinking about them?

A. I lied.  Who am I trying to fool?   I think ahout them all the time.  But usually, it’s with  aghast exasperation.

Q. Aghast exasperation?

A. Yeah.  I drop my jaw, and stand aghast at what they all seem to expect of me.  I become exasperated —  not because I don’t have those things (money, property, clout, etc.) — but because people seem to think I’m supposed to have those things in order to be “happy.”  Drives me up the wall!   How would you like it if a bunch of people were always telling you how “unhappy” you are, just because you don’t have all the things they have, even though you don’t want them anyway?  (Not to mention, you’re probably happier than they are.)

Q. Why do you care what they think?

A. I don’t know.   Seems I get asked that a lot these days.   

Q. Do they care what you think?

A. Evidently not.

Q. Then why should you care what they think?

A. Again, I don’t know.   Golden Rule, maybe?   I mean, what is this modern-day hogwash about how we should all be completely indifferent to what other people are thinking?  I get so tired of everybody telling me I care too much about what other people think.   What am I supposed to do?  Stop caring?   That seems — unloving.   Did Jesus stop caring when He went to the Cross?

Q. But isn’t there a difference between caring about them, and caring about what they think of you?

A. No!  They ARE what they’re thinking!!  Whether they think it about me, or anybody else, or the fencepost!!

Q. But do you KNOW what they are thinking?

A. Yes!  It’s obvious what they’re thinking!   They even tell me what they’re thinking!  They do that all the time.   How can I not know what they’re thinking?   They’re always telling me that I’m this worthless, no good, lazy impoverished bum who made “poor choices” throughout this poor life, otherwise with his talents and abilities he’d be living in the frickin’ Taj Mahal, or in some big mansion like that one place where I lived a long time ago.   As if I care to live in a mansion.   I’m just grateful I’m not flying a sign and sleeping under an overpass with a boatload of tweakers.   

Q. You once lived in a mansion?

A. Yes.

Q. What was it like living in a mansion?

A. Freaky is all get-out.  My landlord had more money than he knew what to do with.  He gave me this huge upstairs flat with a private bathroom and a marble floor on the shower.  The guy had two Steinway grand pianos, recording equipment  . . .

Q. Why was that freaky?   Why not beautiful?

A. I don’t know.  I just didn’t belong there somehow.  The guy had a Jaguar, a Cadillac – expensive Belgian furniture you weren’t even supposed to sit on — I just felt like it was out of my league.

Q. And what, pray tell, is your league?

A. Wrong side of the tracks, man.   Poor but thrifty parents.  Neither of them left a will.  Neither of them had anything to leave.  I’ve gravitated toward poor people all my life.  I feel a kinship with people who are impoverished, and I feel out of place among people of greater means and privilege.

Q. But why is that side of the tracks the wrong side?   Why not just — another side?

A. Because of the very thing I said at the top of this whole page.  

Q. Refresh my memory?

A. I said, I wish I could be more effective.   And it just seems like, in this society, if you don’t have at least some means, at least some privilege, you’re not effective at all.

Q. But can’t you be effective in other ways?   Like say helping a friend of yours with a personal issue?   It doesn’t cost money to do that, does it?

A. But that’s my whole frustration!   I don’t help people right.  I say the wrong things.  I get the feeling they should be talking to a professional, and yet — every time somebody’s told me that they couldn’t help me, and I needed a professional, I took it as personal rejection.

Q. Do you feel like a hypocrite?

A. Yes.  If I feel rejected because a friend is telling me that my issues are “too much of them” and that I need “professional help,” then what right do I have to suggest that some friend of mine needs professional help, rather than to talk to me?

Q. But if they talk to you, won’t you just stick your foot in your mouth again?

A. Yes.   And that very well could be the reason all those other people told me that I should see a professional.   They meant well, but they didn’t have the facile or expertise to help me.

Q. Would you consider seeing a professional?

A. I already do.  And I got a stack of bills higher than the ceiling.

Q. Andy – what is the bottom line?

A. You keep asking me that.

Q. Andy – what is the bottom line?

A. See what I mean?

Q. Andy – what is the bottom line?

Andy takes a breath.  

A. The bottom line is that, for a variety of reasons ranging from my being a social imbecile, a dork, a clutz, an unemployable space case, disabled, scraping my nuts off trying to keep up with the rising cost of living, not being able to get around, not having a car, and just generally being a weirdo,  I just don’t consider myself to be very effective.  And I would like to be more effective.

A. So with all that working against you, how can you be effective?

Q. By doing one great thing before I die.  By doing one great thing that will reach people — and that will make a positive difference in their lives.

A. Wow — do you have any idea what that thing might be?

Q. I know exactly what that thing might be!  And by the way, so do you.   Daylight’s burning.  Time’s wasting.  Money doesn’t grow on trees.  LET’S GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD. 

The Questioner is silent.

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Gratitude List 1063

My list from yesterday morning.

1. I feel kinda “normal” this morning.  I like it when I’m at my norm, when nothing is setting me off.

2. I noticed, as of this morning, that I’m able to pray again. When people have come to mind, I’ve been able to pray for them rather than just worry about them or (worse yet) be indifferent toward them. It’s the evidence of a prayer life that I associate with the state of sobriety that I find to be the best, most useful state.

3. Slept during a normal time frame. I forget when I went to bed (8 or 9) but awoke at around 4am feeling rested and refreshed. Dreamed a lot too.

4. Heard from my daughter for the first time in a long time.   All she said was “hey daddy, love you hope you’re well” and then didn’t reply to any of my following, very immediate, most excited texts. Still, that’s better than nothing.  Grateful to hear that she is (1) alive, and (2) breathing.  It does make a difference.  ;)

5. This coffee is great, from the Sunset. I enjoyed jogging to the store and back in the 18 degrees. It didn’t feel oppressively cold, and the nice guy was working graveyard shift. Got a large Hi-Rev coffee, still working on it.

6. This is a really nice spot, where my apartment is. I like my desk, and where it sits, and the view. The seclusion really sits well with me, if truly appreciated and used properly. I like the early morning hours.

7. Nice chat with a good friend, one of the volunteers at the Center.   

8. Soon I’ll be in the cafe, probably at the Round Table, probably writing music, probably smiling.  Looking forward to church this morning, too.  And you know — my life is good these days. There really is a lot to be grateful for.

9. Working on a big number in Act Two for the vocal score.   It’s intriguing.  There’s an interesting tension between the powerful statement of solidarity and the weird campy musical theatre show tune aspect. That’s the tension I’ve got to work with, in order to make this number truly great.  And I will do so.

10. His blessings are new every morning. Great is His faithfulness.

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A little bit goes a long, long way.

Announcement

I debated whether to post this announcement, or just to drop off the face clandestinely.  I chose the former, because when others have chosen the latter, it’s always made me want to buzz them and try to find out what’s up, which is not always appreciated.

Life is such that I can’t possibly keep up the blogging commitment earlier propounded.  I’ve got so much else that needs to be done, the blog just seems more of a hassle than anything else.   I really would like to just be free of it.

I’ll still post, and I’ll try to stick to the days I announced earlier — piano stuff on Fridays, and so forth.  But it’s not going to be regular, and I’m not going to bind myself to have to come up with something six days a week.  There just aren’t enough hours in the day.

Anyway, just thought I should say something.  Life is good, I just finished the first Act of my vocal score, I’ve started on the second Act, and after that I have the instrumental parts to score.   This is just stuff that needs to be done if one has written a musical and has any hopes of it ever being produced.

I also have articles to write for a number of major newspapers who may or may not publish them.  But I’m being strongly recommended by some people who have written for those papers.  So it seems to be the door that’s being opened right now.

And then of course, there’s life in general.  Church, family, everything else.  Blogging would be great if it were a full time job with a paycheck attached to it.  But it’s basically become a full time job with no monetary recompense whatsoever.  And I have other such jobs that are more rewarding, in other ways.  

So ta ta for now.  I’ll be back when I’m back.  

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A little bit goes a long, long way.

 

Tuesday Tuneup 40

Q. Where would you like to be?

A. In a place that’s not so foggy.

Q. But isn’t the sun shining brightly outside?

A. That’s outside.  I’m foggy on the inside.

Q. What can you do to lift the fog?

A. Probably focus on first things first.

Q. And what comes first?

A. Coffee.   Slurping up the third cup, as we speak.

Q.Image result for foggy clipart Three cups?  And still in a fog?

A. Yes.

Q. Then if coffee is of no avail, what comes next?

A. Exercise.  Brisk walking, or jogging, through the brisk, bright morning.

Q. Will exercise lift the fog?

A. Probably not.  It’ll probably just put me back to sleep.

Q. Then what else can you do?

A. I don’t know.  I thought playing the piano would work.  But I just played for a half an hour, and the whole time, I was in a fog.  

Q. Why is everything leaving you in a fog?

A. Because none of these things are progressive.  They’re all stagnant.  They’re all things that I can do every day if I want to.  They never lead anywhere.  

Q. So they never lead you out of the morning fog?

A. No, they don’t.

Q. Then whatever does?  Or can?

Related imageA. Well, recently, it was the Vocal Score that I just completed — the vocal score to Act One of Eden in Babylon, my new musical about homelessness.   Whenever I was working on it, I felt I was progressing.  I felt the fog lifting.  It even seemed to lift for some of the people around me.  Everybody perked up.  There were smiles of approval everywhere I went, mirroring my own smile of self-satisfaction.  Towards the end, I was anything but foggy.  In fact, I was jazzed — filled to the brim with sunshine.   People were astonished at the rate at which I was proceeding, and yet, to me, it seemed nothing at all.

Q. So the completion of the score left you in a fog?

A. Exactly.  Today is the fourth day since its completion.  And all of life has been a blur.

Q. Don’t you still have Act Two to score?

A. I do.

Q. And won’t that lift the fog?

A. Eventually.

Q. Then what’s keeping you?

A. That’s a good question.  

The Questioner is silent.  

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A little bit goes a long, long way.

 

Gratitude List 1049

Here’s my daily gratitude list from Saturday morning, the morning after I finished notating my Vocal Score to Act One of Eden in Babylon.  

1. Slept 9 hours between 8:30 & 5:30, best sleep I’ve gotten in ages. Vivid dreams, only got up twice to use the bathroom, went immediately back to sleep. No tossing or turning, very restful.

2. Played first at the Open Mike last night, did “Fumblin’ with the Blues” and “I Am the Blues.” Paul A. jumped in with the Cajon on the 2nd verse of Fumblin’ it was pretty awesome. Aubrey was there, hadn’t seen her in a few months, good to see her. A nice occasion.

3. Sleep removed the earlier hypomania. I’m healthier this morning mentally, and less self-absorbed. But I’m still thankful for the mania, because it propelled the completion of a project that is important to me.

4. Yesterday at around 1:30pm, I finished Act One of the Eden in Babylon vocal score, fully formatted, like so.  Also, the guy at the print shop gave me an extra copy for free, because he did it single-sided the first time by mistake. It looks really great, all coil-bound, and the cost was $12.40. (It’s 75 pages).

5. Conveniently sold my last copy of Exile yesterday for $10 as well.  :)

6. Made it through last night.  Having accomplished something significant, I was strongly tempted to “celebrate.”  Thankfully, the Open Mike was celebration enough.

7. Took a nice shower just now.  It again feels great to have my own shower, where I don’t have to deal with all kinds of other guys on the way to or fro, or in the bathroom.  2017 was the first year since 2010 since this has happened.   Very grateful for my nice, spacious, secluded, reasonably secure apartment.

seek-respect-not-attention-it-lasts-longer-www-princeea-com-235351128. Looking forward to meeting with M. at 1pm.   It will be exciting to go through the music with the actual hard-copy coil-bound score (double-sided too, which means only half as many page turns).   M. also complimented me on the script using academic terminology, including one word I’ve never heard before.  (He said the “polyrhymes” were “spectacular.”)

9.  Sounds of Silence is getting a good response now that I’ve fixed it up, and also added a song description and a SoundCloud to the page, with descriptive image.  Even more grateful, I heard four lines of music & lyrics in my sleep during a power nap yesterday.  They survived my wake-up memory long enough for me to write them down.  Then last night, I “heard” a B part and the beginnings of a C part.  Grateful that I still have the music in me.

10. It feels really good to simply be respected these days.  Neither idolized nor scorned, neither flattered nor ridiculed, but simply respected.  It’s the best possible feeling – it puts me at peace inside.  Life is good, and God is Good.

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The Challenge of the Wealthy

Just then a man came up to Jesus and asked, “Teacher, what good thing must I do to get eternal life?”

“Why do you ask me about what is good?” Jesus replied. “There is only One who is good. If you want to enter life, keep the commandments.”

“Which ones?” he inquired.

Jesus replied, “‘You shall not murder, you shall not commit adultery, you shall not steal, you shall not give false testimony, honor your father and mother,’ and ‘love your neighbor as yourself.’”

“All these I have kept,” the young man said. “What do I still lack?”

Jesus answered, “If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.”

When the young man heard this, he went away sad, because he had great wealth.

Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Truly I tell you, it is hard for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of heaven. Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God.

–Matthew 19:16-24

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A little bit goes a long, long way.