Tuesday Tuneup 48

Q. What’s really bugging you this morning?

A. My relationship to reality.

Q. What is reality?

A. Well, you know the answer to that.   Reality is what’s actually happening.  It’s what is.

Q. And you are somehow not happening?  You are somehow not?  

A. I didn’t say that!

Q. Well, what are you saying, then?   How are you distinct from reality?

A. I’m distinct from reality in that I am supposed to be real and as such represent reality in the eyes of all who — who —

Q. Who?

A. Who observe me.

Q. Why did I think you were going to say something different than that?

A. Because you probably thought I was going to say: “in the eyes of all who judge me.”

Q. Are there people who are judging you?

A. Well yes, I believe so.  Or at least, they have a hard time not judging me, since they have to observe me.  Once you start observing somebody, it’s only a matter of time before you pass judgment on them.   It’s just human nature.  

Q. But wait – why are all these people observing you?   And who are these people?  

A. Who are they?   Gosh, I don’t know – they could be just about anybody.   Anybody who has access to — to —

Q. To binoculars?

A. No, no, no – to the Internet!   Anybody can pass by this page for any reason, they can look, they can lurk, they can draw conclusions —

Q. Are you trying to tell me that you are afraid of the random trolls and lifeless morning whiskey-guzzlers who idle upon your page at random first thing every Tuesday morning?

A. I never used the word “fear.”

Q. Then why am I picking it up?

A. Probably because I’m paranoid.

Q. What do you mean by that?  If you’re paranoid, aren’t you necessarily afraid?

A. No, not necessarily.  One can be totally paranoid without being afraid at all.  We’ve all met paranoid people who completely believe scenarios about reality that are entirely faulty.  Do they always act scared?  No, they don’t.  Sometimes they have amazing self-confidence.

Q. And are you one of these people?

A. No, I’m not.  But I’m not exactly scared either.   I’m just concerned about my relationship to reality.

Related imageQ. Do you see reality as a threat?

A. That’s a good question.  It’s not so much reality itself that is a threat.  It’s that I myself might never quite relate to reality in a healthy or beneficial way.

Q. How do you relate to reality?

A. Gee whiz, I thought you’d never ask!

Q. Hm?

A. I usually assess it first thing in the morning, see if it stands in my way, and exactly how much it’s in my way, quickly dispose of some of its usual, daily, meager demands, and then go about my business.

Q. And your business is?

A. You already know what my business is.

Q. But how is it that your business opposes reality?

A. It doesn’t.  Not in the highest sense.   My business involves the creation and instigation of — alternative realities.   New ways of looking at old things.   Transformative energies — you know where I’m coming from, don’t you?  It’s a bit crass to elaborate.   

Q. But reality opposes your business?

A. Well, yes.   And again, it all depends on what you think reality is.  If reality is this thing that always is, that never changes, that resists change — well, yes, then of course it opposes my business, and the business of all those like me.  If reality is this more open thing, always embracing that which is new, routinely cleansing, purging itself of what is old, inhaling, welcoming the breath of newness wherever it may be — then, no, reality does not oppose my business, but is in that sense an integral part of my business.

Q. Have you then therefore redefined reality?

A. No.  I’ve only redefined my relationship to it.

Q. And this relationship no longer bothers you?

A. I didn’t say that.   

Q. What are you saying then?

A. Only that the relationship is manageable, for now.

Q. May I then therefore be excused?

A. You may.  I think we’ve exhausted this analysis — for now.

The Questioner is silent.  

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Gratitude List 1147

This one’s from Friday morning (edited slightly toward the end).  

1. Slept a lot, from around 9pm till just 5am, about eight hours. Only got up once to use the bathroom, at around 1:30. Next thing I knew, it was morning.

2. Man, I just remembered sleeping cautiously outside of St. Joseph the Worker church, waking up at least five times in the middle of every night (if I even was fully asleep) having to clandestinely urinate behind a designated bush, and eyeing my surroundings at all times with great concern before stealthily finding my way back to my two layers of cardboard, in order to crawl underneath my two blankets. Contrasting that with #1 above makes me know what I have to be grateful for.

3. Am on 3rd cup of nice Co-Op coffee I brewed in the Black & Decker. Had a dark Hershey bar with almonds and a larger Quaker oatmeal with peanut butter.

4. There was a time when in order to get my morning cup of coffee, I had to stand beneath an outdoor church stairway while an angry black man barked orders at me and others. Eventually, we were all permitted to step upstairs and into a large hall, where one by one we obtained our cups of coffee from the same angry man. We then waited for about a half hour under strict surveilance before permitted to stand in a long line to obtain our oatmeal and peanut butter. If I ever think my life is hard today, I am mistaken.

5. First Presbyterian Church. Great teaching, fellowship, and resources.

6. The location of my apartment is an ongoing blessing. I’m just distanced enough from the hub bub that it makes it difficult to go down to Main Street and get into any trouble even if I do have that anxious hankering on a Friday night.

7. The community of this intriguing, quiet college town is an easy access to inspiration as well as to renewed motivation to cease from unsavory behavior.

8. Today in particular is a new day full of blessing and promise.

9. Outstanding rehearsal last night. For my part, it was a turning point.  I made a point of being well-prepared, of having a clear purpose.   I think the director and the two actors present picked up on this.   Kelsey and Marshall sang Turns Toward Dawn extremely well, and I like what Dave began to do with their scene.   It was a pivotal point, a fulcrum.  I see pretty clearly a very positive direction, from here.

10. Seven-thirty in the morning, and time to get on with the day. God is Good.

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Gratitude List 1145

My gratitude list from earlier this morning.   

1. Slept seven hours from about midnight till seven.

2. Rode the new bicycle several miles. It seems to work well as long as I don’t change gears.

3. It’s nice being a musical director of a musical again, and working with college students.

4. Noticed my walk was very brisk last night, and no longer seemed uncoordinated. Similarly I brisk-walked about four miles this morning, stopping only for a doppio and quick chat with Dave along the way.

5. I was struggling with getting up this morning, tossing around unmotivated, when the thought suddenly energized me: “Hey! Thinks aren’t that bad!” At that, I bounded up out of bed and smelled the coffee.

6. It’s possible I get a Street Spirit check today, as the first story in my new column was published in the May issue. If not, I’ll get one shortly.

7. Deciding to work from home today is a stress-reliever. This computer at home is about ten times faster than my aging laptop when it comes to formatting music notation files.

8. The first read-thru of the show went well, was fun and was useful. This is the case even though there were several absentees.

9. I may be able to receive a form of needed assistance later on today from an understanding friend.

10. 58F degrees and very nice running weather. I think I will run now, and maybe call some friends later on this morning. God is Good.

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A little bit goes a long, long way.

 

Disturbances

I’ve been a bit under the weather lately, with laryngitis keeping me from speaking or singing.  I canceled everything yesterday, though showed for a single rehearsal this morning before calling it a day early.  Whilst inside, I have wanted to let you know how this Howard upright piano, almost a hundred years of age, sounds in my living room.  Here’s a little something I spun out yesterday afternoon, spontaneously as it were.  The old guard has dignity.  

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A little bit goes a long, long way.

 

Tuesday Tuneup 47

Q. What’s really bugging you this morning?

A. The question is starting to bug me.

Q. Why?

A. Because it presupposes that there’s something bugging me.  But there isn’t.  I’m feeling really good this morning.

Q. Then why did you select the question?

A. Because I assumed there would always be something bugging me every morning.

Q. Why did you make that assumption?

A. Because there usually is.  Something bugging me.  Every morning.  

Q. But this morning there is not?

A. No.  Not really.

Q. Can’t you come up with something?

A. I suppose I could.  But what’s the point?   What’s the point of dredging negativity out of my subconscious, when in my conscious mind, I feel positive about life, myself, and the world?

Q. How can you possibly feel positive about the world?

A. What do you mean?

Q. Isn’t the world going to hell in a hand basket?

A. So what else is new?   The world’s been going to hell since time immemorial.  Since the Garden, to be theologically specific.   That doesn’t mean we still can’t find good things about it.

Q. What’s good about the world?

A. Beauty.   What does it say in the Desiderata?  “With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.” 

Q. You believe this?

A. Yes!  What people seem to do is to focus on the negative.  Then their worlds become dismal, because they make no effort to see the positive.  But there’s always positive.  Positive abounds.  One only need tune into it.

Q. But isn’t that denial?  Like an ostrich?  Hiding your head in the sand?

A. It can be.  But it doesn’t need to be.  It’s only denial if you also deny that bad things are happening.

Q. And you don’t?

A. I try not to.  But at the same time, I don’t deny that good things are happening either.

Q. Why not?

A. Because I’m happier when I focus on the good things, despite the bad things.

Q. Would you say you are a happy person?

A. Pretty much, yes.  

Q. And you attribute this to your focus on the positive?

A. Largely, yes.   This is also biblical.   Look what St. Paul has to say about it, in his letter to the Philippians:

This week's Bible verse: Philippians 4:8 : Specificfeed

Q. So you try to focus on what’s true, noble, right, pure, lovely, and admirable?

A. Yes.  

Q. What’s lovely?  

A. I don’t know.  What is?

Q. What do you mean, what is?

A. I’d like to know what you think is lovely.

Q. Me?

A. Not you, silly.  My readers!   What do my readers think is “lovely?”  Tell me.

The Questioner is silent.