Gratitude List 914

(1) I remembered to take my big cup with me to the 24/7 corner store when I went there to get my coffee this morning.  This not only decreased the price, but greatly increased the amount of coffee I was able to fit in a single cup — since my “big cup” is actually a quart in size, hehe.  Nice to be starting off the day with a nice big cup of hot coffee.

(2) When I came in last night from the cold, how great it felt just to be inside and be warm!

(3) Got up a little earlier this morning and did the entire wash.  Felt so good to put nice warm clothes on.

(4) And I must say – my morning coffee options have been greatly enhanced since the days when, if I wanted a cup of coffee in the morning, I would have to — have to — have to . . .  arrgghh.   Let’s just not go there, okay?

(5) Moreover, in another minute or two, I’m going to take a shower.  Once again, this is the first time since 2010 when I haven’t had to hassle with other men just to get a shower in the morning.   It feels wonderful to have my own bathroom, and my own shower, once again.

(6) I can’t help but have noticed that I’m not as angry as I used to be, and that I’m also not as absent-minded as I used to be.  Not only have I noticed this myself, but others have commented on it as well.  This is a good thing, and a great relief.

(7) Got the Street Spirit check in Friday’s mail, along with a complimentary copy of the paper, including my article, “The H-Word” (heavily edited, but hey – they spelled my name right.)

(8) The weather, though cold, has been incredibly gorgeous lately, with brilliant sunsets and sunrises, during both of which all the runners are out, in rare form.  And I will soon be among them. :)

(9) This gratitude list seems to be working fairly well, even though it’s the first one I’ve made since last Monday.  I think I’ll start making them every day again, and see if my life improves as much as a lot of spiritual people say it will.

(10) Something uncomfortable happened at Mikey’s the other night when I was having dinner there; and I ran into two of the youngsters, good friends of each other, the one Italian guy who’s always smiling, and his friend the bass player.   I don’t want to detail the exact essence of the discomfort, but suffice it to say that the bass player was turning to me for support in a certain issue — as a young person will often turn to an older person whom they respect.  But instead of support, I smirked with cynicism – as an older person will sometimes do, forgetting who he’s talking to at the moment.

May I always remember that the youngsters look up to the older sorts, and if they see something in the older person that they think is admirable, they will turn to that person as a role model — especially if they are lacking other adult role models in their lives.  May I never forget this.  1 Cor 10:23, Ephesians 4:1, and a bunch of other Scriptures come to mind.  (To my mind, anyway) . . .

I may be too old to seek out an “older role model” — but consider that if Jesus rose from the dead, and is still alive, that Guy would be over 2000 years old by now.   Can you imagine all the insanity He’s seen go down, by now?   And while Christ may be intangible on the worldly plane, I can still read His words, and seek His Spirit where it may be found.  Not all of those words are lost on everyone.  May they not be lost on me.   

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Tuesday Tuneup 27

Q. Where would you like to be?

A. In a place of greater diligence.

Q. What do you need to be more diligent about?

A. To be honest with you, I’d rather talk about something else.

Q. Then why did you bring it up?

A. Because I had this plan for five of the Tuesday tuneups.  I started two Tuesdays ago, with integrity.  The plan was to cover Integrity, Confidence, Diligence, Vigilance, and Fortitude, in that order.  For these are the five points of the Practical Pentacle.

Q. Pentacle?

A. Yeah, I was hanging around with Pagans for a while.  One of them told me I could change the classic five points of the Pentacle (that is, Earth, Air, Fire, Water, and Spirit) to anything I wanted.   Thus five principles came to me in a flash, so I ran with it.

Q. Did you actually wear this pentacle?

A. Naw.  It wouldn’t have gone over too well in Christian circles. 

Q. Then what did you do with it?

A. I began to apply the principles to my work, of course.

Q. But why did you want to talk about all this, instead of about diligence?

A. Because I’m avoiding the subject, obviously.

Q. Does the subject of diligence threaten you?

A. Somewhat.

Q. Why would that be?

A. Because I haven’t been diligent in the areas that require it, but only in the areas that I enjoy.

Q. Can you clarify?

A. I’m fairly diligent about my Artistic endeavors.  Reasonably diligent about maintaining this blog.  Diligent about church attendance and that kind of thing.  But there’s one thing I haven’t been very diligent about at all.

Q. What’s that?

A. The Word.

Q. Who’s Word?

A. God’s Word.

Q. And how do you hear that Word?

A. You know the Scriptures.  “Faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the Word of God.”

Q. You mean the Bible?

A. Yes.

Q. When did you give up your diligence as far as reading your Bible?

A. I think it was when I was hanging around with those Pagan guys.  Back around 2012.  Before that, the Bible was the only book I read for 22 years.

Q. The only book?

A. I take it back.  I also read the The Chronicles of Narnia.

Q. And no other books than those?

Thomas Merton 5
Thomas Merton

A. Not completely.  Bits and pieces of Thomas Merton, Paul Tournier, and Henri Nouwen.  I’m really not a very good reader, you know.   But I did read my Bible every day.   It was a King James that Jan had left with me.  I kept it around my apartment, and read bits and pieces of it till I found something worth meditating on.  Then I meditated on those bits and pieces till they made sense in my life.  And went about my day.  

Q. So you would like to be more diligent with this practice?

A. Yes.  But without the extremism of eliminating all other books.

Q. Why is this on your mind?

A. Because I strayed.   As we all do.  I veered from my right and proper path.  And I paid.  As we all do.   I paid the price.   It’s just not worth it to stray too far from the simplicity that there is in Christ.

Q. How far did you stray?

A. Far enough.   A lot farther than just hanging around with Pagans, I can tell you that much.

Q. Satanism?

A. Move on to the next question, please.

Q. What brought you back?

A. Pain.  Extreme pain.  Psychological torture.  Psychic assault.  Cosmic manipulation of intentions and events.   Twisting of my values, and forced switching of my allegiance.  Jousting with demonic spirits – on their own terms, in their own playing field.  Deliberate distortion of my discernment.  And many other such things you do not need to know — indescribable things, worse than those.  

Q. And the Bible brings relief from all that pain?

A. Yes.  And remarkably so.  It already has, and in an incredibly short period of time.  Not so much the Bible, but the Word that is revealed in it.

Q. When did you lapse into all this rigid, right-wing fundamentalism?

A. Diligence, not rigidity.  And Left-Right is a crock of shit — a smokescreen set up by the Global Elite to obfuscate the real issues.  Also, it’s not fundamentalism to be Christ-centered and Bible-based, because the Revelation of Christ is found in the Bible, and it is there that he gives me His Word.

Q. He gives you His Word?

A. Yes.  He, unlike any other being I know, has always kept His Word.

Q. And you have not?

A. If I haven’t kept my word, it’s only because I haven’t kept His Word.

Q. What do you mean?

A. I mean that my life is no longer mine, but His.

The Questioner is silent.

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Gratitude List 911

1. I woke up on a comfortable couch this morning next to my computer and my desk. Guaging my overall condition at the moment – mental, physical, spiritual – I was genuinely grateful that I didn’t have to wake up where I would have woke up two or three years ago.

2. I seem to be in pretty good health, all things considered.

3. I’m not always grateful for what I have, but right now I am – and I am grateful for that fact.

4. It’s insane for me to ever want to go back and be homeless again. But something keeps drawing me there. What I’m grateful for right now is that something happened — I can’t tell you what it was — but it had the effect of reminding me just how lousy it is down there. It was a hard thing that happened (something involving a friendship that failed), but I am grateful that it happened, because it was the reminder that I needed.

5. Grateful for the sense that I have a future. I have not been totally destroyed, and there’s more for me to do on this earth – and possibly even afterwards. A lot of people who have been where I’ve been have been destroyed. So God is keeping me around for a reason. How can I not be grateful for that?

6. Just thought about my church right now. I really like my church. People are genuinely nice, and intelligent — and they mind their own business, too.

7. California and Idaho are a lot different. The people are different. We’re all human beings, of course, but what I mean is that the mores are different. The social customs and practices differ. It’s taking me a while to get used to it, and a lot of things have thrown me for a loop. But I just gotta say, me personally, the type of guy I am, I am very grateful to be in Idaho, and in this city.

9. My pastor, whose name is Norman. I’ve never had a pastor like him before. It’s hard to describe, and I hesitate to belaud the guy – but he acts like a *real* Christian – he doesn’t judge, he listens, his comments reflect wisdom and love, he goes out of his way to help people who are struggling – he’s not just a guy who knows what the Bible says and knows how to preach about it. He doesn’t boast, he doesn’t trip – he just does what a Christian is supposed to do, and keeps doing it. If every Christian were like Norman, I bet nobody in this country would hate Christians. So how can I not be grateful?

10. God is good. I am very grateful at this moment, just to be alive.

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Gratitude List 910

1. Norman. Really grateful for my pastor and supportive friend.

2. My apartment. It’s in a nice secluded location; it’s quiet; the neighbors are quiet and unintrusive; it’s spacious and well-furnished; and it gives me personal space, privacy, and solitude — much appreciated at this time in my life.

3. A friend offered me $50 to help me through the rest of the month.

4. The haircut place, and Carmen being such a nice person and a good barber. Glad I got a decent haircut and beard trim yesterday.

5. The city in general. It’s a very positive and accepting community, and very supportive of the Arts.

6. My church. It really is a nice church. People are intelligent, and educated for the most part, and kind.

7. The One World Cafe. It’s really a nice place to work on my vocal score. A nice atmosphere with a nice staff and crew, and a pleasant group of regular customers, mostly students and professors from the University.

8. Danielle, who has been such a great and faithful friend over so many years.

9. The way that everybody here at the Recovery Center likes my music, and how they’re even going to pipe the piano pieces from my youtube channel over the speakers at the Fairgrounds when we have our picnic on Saturday. The way that this directly contrasts how everybody at the fellowship in the Bay Area kept telling me that my music was my biggest problem.

10. Nobody is mad at me these days. I’m not perceived to be in any way weird or different or wrong. It’s just such a great feeling. They kept telling me I was “crazy” for so long, it got to me. I’m not crazy; I’m just different. And that’s okay. Ir’s better to be me than whatever it is they all seemed to think I was supposed to be. And what’s great right now, is that whoever I am is all right. It’s so wonderful to be respected, to be treated with courtesy — as an equal, and not like some sort of lesser being, leper, or pariah.

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Gratitude List 906

(1) My daughter and I have been in touch daily, on phone, Skype, and text chat.   This blesses my heart.

(2) I was feeling empty and heavy after much oversleep and willful wishing to escape from my allotted difficulties.  But as soon as I stepped into the One World Cafe, I felt full again, and light.

(3) The Round Table.   It’s nice to have a specific table at the cafe that has come to be associated with productivity and forward motion.

(4) Sugar free short mocha.  It helps.

(5) Nice weather at 68F degrees, nearing noon already.

(6) The people at the Recovery Center really enjoy my piano music, and are going to pipe it over the speakers at the Fairgrounds when we have our picnic.

(7) The new editor has another assignment for me, due Wednesday, and I got a little excited as she articulated it.  It’s fun to be sinking my teeth into journalism at this time.

(8) It looks as though I’ve just about scored the first five numbers in my vocal score.  I’m saying they’ll be all done by Friday.

(9) I really like my pastor and my church.

(10) It’s nice to have a quiet apartment to come home to, when I feel worn.  I didn’t have that for a lot of years.  I had to shuffle about outdoors, looking for places to crash on large lawns, and on the subway, arousing suspicion wherever I went.  It’s so nice to be unsuspected in life — to be respected, and regarded as an equal.  What to do with this great gift is the question — but more will be revealed.   

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Tuesday Tuneup 24

Q. Where would you like to be?

A. In a place of greater certainty.

Q. Why do you need greater certainty?

A. Because uncertainty makes me uneasy.

Q. But isn’t the world, in general, quite an uncertain place to be?

A. It is, yes.

Q. Then how can you expect greater certainty?

A. I can’t.  At least, not from the world.

Q. From where, then?

glass darklyA. From heaven, I suppose.  I’m reminded of the famous Scripture: “For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then, face to face.”  (1 Corinthians 13:12.)

Q. Are you saying you would like to be in heaven, rather than on earth?

A. Well, I think that goes without saying.  Both at once would be preferable, but hardly likely.

Q. Why not?

A. I don’t know.  It just doesn’t seem to ever happen, somehow.  I mean, we can pray “thy kingdom come; thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven” till the cows come home.  But does that ever really change anything?

Q. Why wouldn’t it?

A. Because the world is by nature uncertain.  Impermanent — as the Buddhists say.  You see a guy alive today; chances are he won’t be alive a hundred years from now.  Everything is in flux, and constantly changing.

Q. But isn’t that beautiful?

A. It can be.

Q. Can’t you just roll with it?

A. I try to.

Q. And when you fail?

A. When I fail, I have a tendency to be contrite, remourseful.  Or at the very least, contemplative.  At those times, I turn to God more easily.  I seek certainty from the Source of it, not from my fellow human beings, who are —

Q. Fickle?

A. I wasn’t going to put it that way!  Evidently, I expect too much of them.  I even expect too much of my own self.

Q. How so?

A. I expect a kind of consistency of purpose.  A continual adherence to my calling.  Instead, I see myself being torn this way and that, by the ebb and flow of circumstance.  My supposed calling, if I even have one, means very little to me now.

Q. Why?

A. Not making money.  It gets to you after a while.  All this hard work, for what?

Q. But isn’t the work its own reward, in and of itself?

A. Only when I’m on fire.  Only when I’m motivated, inspired.  Then the money, or the lack of it, ceases to matter.

Q. When did you stop being inspired?

A. About ten days ago.

Q. What happened then?

A. Not sure I want to elaborate.  Something in the general category of a traumatic event,  involving a near-death experience.  Not sure it would be healthy to discuss.

Q. Near-death experience?

A. Not sure how else to describe it.  Everything started spinning; I lost my center; my consciousness; my identity; my sense of self.  My “I” was being ripped out of me.  It’s never happened to me before except once when I was under the influence of LSD, long ago.

Q. And you were not under the influence of LSD?

A. Don’t make me laugh. Not in this chapter of the New Story, nosirree.

Q. How did this loss of self come about?

A. Dehydration.  That’s what the medical report said.  I was going at it too hard, too much too soon, training for a 10-K, and apparently treading the wrong path. In the smoke, in fire season, excessively caffeinated, and insufficiently hydrated. And anxious, and scared. They had to pump a liter and a half of salt water into me at the hospital.

Q. Are you okay now?

A. Physically, yes.

Q. And mentally?

A. I’m basically all right.  I just feel a bit confused, and torn.

Q. How so?

A. I’ve lost all heart for the themes I usually write about.  It’s drudgery to even follow through with my writing commitments.

Q. Why is this?

A. It’s tiring.  Everything I write about homelessness, about classism, it’s all getting stale. People don’t get it.  It’s unrewarding. I’m preaching to the Choir.  And the Choir can’t do anything about the situation.  I start to offend people with money — people with privilege.  This increases anxiety.  I don’t want to offend anyone.  I work on my tone of voice, to try to ensure that I don’t seem too biting, or bitter. But if I keep speaking my truth, it’s inevitable.  I’m tired of —

Q. Of speaking your truth?

A. Kinda.  It’s not getting anywhere, is it?   An occasional paycheck of $25 or $35, $50 if I’m lucky enough to get a two page article published.  For the number of views I’m getting on my writings, offline and off, it sure isn’t translating into making any kind of difference on this planet.

Q. Would you rather speak a lie than the truth?

A. Not at all, sir.  I would rather speak neither lie nor truth, but only speak the Beauty that is Art. I would that I would again be granted the great gift I once was granted.  The gift of letting the Artist prevail over the Philosopher.  Ever since last Summer, when I first started writing for Street Spirit, I’ve permitted the Philosopher to prevail over the Artist.  I even heard a still small voice in my head, when I was sitting in Shari’s Restaurant early one morning, that said: “Let the Philosopher prevail over the Artist.”  I heeded that voice, from that day — why it might even be a year ago, to this date — till now.

Q. And now?

A. I would really like for the Artist to prevail over the Philosopher.

Q. Why?

A. Because the Artist knows how to make a living.  Isn’t that a good enough reason?

Q. When was the last time the Artist made a living?

A. Off of his Art?  It was a while ago.  But the Artist knows how to make a living doing things unrelated to his Art.  The Artist knows how to get through a shit job every day, knowing that when he comes home at night, he will get to crank up his music notation software and do what he loves doing.  The Philosopher, on the other hand, only keeps scratching his head 24/7, taking long walks like Einstein on the beach, and being so preoccupied he can’t focus on a darn thing, other than whatever his life-purpose is supposed to be, his “higher calling,” and all that rot.   Can’t do a lick of work for the life of him.

Q. Why do I not believe you?

A. I have no idea.

Q. Could it be that there are a just a few holes in your story?

A. I suppose it could be.

Q. Then why don’t we each take a week or so to think about it, and reconvene on a future Tuesday?

A. Why not?  And come to think about, we’re both supposed to still be thinking about whatever happened two Tuesdays ago, as well.

Q. Oh my – how could I forget?

A. How could I forget?

Q. I don’t know — how could you?

A. Beats me.   Guess I’m getting old.

Q. May I be excused, sir?

A. (with a sigh) You may.  

The Questioner is silent.  

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Gratitude List 898

(1) I’ve had a flu, maybe food poisoning — but it seems to have past with lots of rest and water.  It would have been a lot more difficult to take care of, if I still lived outside.

(2) Life is a colossal, colorful miracle that may be appreciated on multiple magical levels.

(3) Courtyard Cafe, free Starbucks coffee & refills.

(4) It helps during times of trial to remember His blessings: past, present and future.

(5) That doctor was a really nice guy, when I had to go to Emergency the other day.

(6) Most people I’ve met are pretty nice, and it helps their niceness not to make too many demands upon them, in this life.

(7) Self-sufficiency, not being dependent on too many other people, is a good thing, and a blessed thing in the eyes of the Lord.

(8) I’ve been blessed with some pretty good, loyal friends in this life — Danielle being one of them.

(9) Nobody’s perfect, and to expect too much out of people is not wise.

(10) But God is perfect.  We can expect the Universe from Him.

Note: I’ll be taking a week off from this blog, starting this morning.  Will return on September 3rd, God willing.  

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