Gratitude List 1103

My gratitude list from Friday morning.   

1. Slept from about 7:30pm till 2am, about 6 1/2 hours.

2. I’m much better at hydrating than I used to be.  This one Smart water bottle that I keep refilling has become associated with wolfing it down and also leaving it in the same spot all the time, where I can find it.  I took my synthroid with a full glass of water easily this morning, once again.

3. Interesting chat with the guy on the graveyard shift.  He kept referring to everything in terms of “night” even though to me it was “morning.”  Guess they had a wild night over there, but I left thinking it’s kinda nice that I would even be considered acceptable to chit-chat with and share some laughs in that context, as opposed to the earlier, more prevalent experience of walking into a Mom & Pop on somebody’s graveyard shift and being eyed with suspicion.

4. Really good “Hi-Rev” coffee.

5. I had a good feeling about my daughter when I got off the phone with her on Wednesday.

6. People are hitting my “Interim” post.  I’m creating an Abstractions playlist on SoundCloud this morning, I can link to it and to the Exile playlist where those titles appear in the pitch.  That will enhance the ad – they’ll be able to hear samples of my piano, with one click.   Also had not been expecting $140 in Interim sales already.  So this has been a great project.

7. Really good talk with Danielle yesterday morning, catalyzing corresponding thoughts throughout the day.

8. Not sure if I mentioned, I finished Firefly Magic.  I’m jotting down notes for questions / issues to raise with author Lauren Sapala in a scheduled Hangouts video call.  This is a nice opportunity.

9. I’m thinking I can probably create a decent piano piece at the church this morning, which will also strengthen my trip.  I felt too out of practice yesterday, but today I might be loosened up.  Thankful for the church, and the opportunity to keep practicing on the Baldwin grand.*

10. Thankful for side projects while still largely stalled on my big project.  Also thankful for many minorly positive connections while out of touch with majorly positive connections.  There’s a new lilt in my stride, and a sense of upbeat, forward mobility.  God is Good.

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Gratitude List 1099

1. Slept about eight hours, from around 11 till about 7:20am.

2. Checked my balance and it’s actually $40 greater than I’d thought, due to a return on a fouled up ATM transaction from some time ago, that I’d forgotten all about, now manifesting.

3. Just made $10 selling another Interim CD, so the total now for sales is at $125.

4. Between #3 & #4 above, I see no reason not to go up to Goodwill and get a badly needed pair of thick dark pants.

5. The present Round Table has a centering, comforting effect.  There’s something about this one table at this one cafe that has a calming, quieting effect on my spirit.  I notice I get a lot of music written here, too.   

6. Soon I’ll be practicing on the Baldwin Grand.  It’s great to have a key to a building with a Baldwin grand piano.  I’m looking forward to practicing more and more.  

7. Beautiful bright sunny day.  The surface, though slippery, is manageable. Thoroughly enjoyed a brisk walk through campus, even out past the Campus Starbucks (which was not yet open), and down Sixth Street to the cafe where I sit.  

8. Kathy W. gave me a ride out to Wal-Mart yesterday afternoon so I could get my thyroid medication.  

9. Walked three miles briskly yesterday, from Wal-Mart back home, in two mile and a half chunks.

10. Grateful for the warm, accepting community of the town in which I live.  I was just hearing from a friend that where she is, people aren’t nearly so nice, and when she has tried to join activities or organizations, they have been downright rude. If this is true, all the more reason to be grateful for the friendly close-knit community I have found.  It has its underbelly, like anywhere else, but once that’s been identified and duly disposed of, this University city truly becomes a beautiful world.

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A little bit goes a long, long way.

 

Gratitude List 1082

1. I just woke up, and when I awoke, there was a moment not only of letting go, but of understanding. And the understanding is manifold.

2. I really don’t need to be defined by what they think of me, or by what I think they think of me, at all.

3. I really don’t need to reach out any further toward them at all. All further reaching out is only an effort to “prove” myself. There is nothing to prove, if what I am is defined in my divinely drafted design, defined by the Designer who designed me, independent of their judgments of me. Their judgments of me, whatever they are, are immaterial.  I have nothing to prove to them, and I need not, and ought not, try.

4. I have been lifted out of the Old and into the New. They are not in the New. They are in the Old. I am in the New.

5. To continue to grasp toward them is to turn to the Old. It is not for me to return to the Old. It is for me to continue to turn to the New, and the Newer, and the Newest.

download6. If I wait, they will reach out to me when the time comes, if the time comes.  If and when that time comes, in reaching out to me, they will be turning toward the New — for I am in the New.  For them to reach out to me is to turn to the New, where I am.  It will be my task then to draw them toward the New, to show them Christ in me, the hope of glory.  It will be my challenge then to resist being sucked back down into the Old.

7. I therefore don’t need to send another text, email, voicemail, letter, chat, or postcard. To any of them who are still in the Old.  I need not return to the Old at all.

8. In this manifold understanding, I am free. I am no longer bound by the Old.

9. In turning to them, in pleading with them, in praying to them, I make them gods.  They are not gods, nor are they on a path toward becoming gods.  They are only human, as I am human.  In praying for them, I turn to God, I plead with God, through Christ, who makes all things New.

10. If anyone be in Christ, he is a new creation. The former things are passed away. All things are becoming New.

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Gratitude List 1074

1. Slept deeply for 6 1/2 hours solid, from 9:30 to 4am, without having to get up once to go to the bathroom. First good night’s sleep in almost a week. Hallelujah.

2. I remembered to leave the mouse in the backpack last night so as to resist the urge to run to the computer and issue vitriol, if perchance I were to wake up in a rage. That said, I didn’t wake up in a rage (just a fog).

3. Pretty sure the manic phase is over.

4. Considering the time frame in which the nice long sleep occurred, it’s highly likely I can get myself organized and have a pretty productive day.

5. I have some good friends and a good support group these days. Given the weirdness of my personality, I’m pretty happy that I even have any friends at all. And the parts of me that are off-putting can also be put to use, because I’m just weird enough that people have a way of not wanting to approach me, which helps me to get more work done than would be the case if I were this really charismatic, attractive, appealing presence that everybody was drawn toward.

6. Somebody sent $25.

7. Looks like I have a nice email reply from Lynne. Skimming it, I see she agrees with my take on Part Two of Firefly Magic. She also says she’s been corresponding with Lauren lately, which is unusual and somewhat intriguing. I’ll look forward to digesting her words, as they tend to be brilliant, thought-provoking, and encouraging.

8. Lauren Sapala agreed to schedule a Skype call with me to discuss Firefly Magic and money-making implications in the modern world.

9. During the manic phase, it seems that my extraverted function was enhanced (to put it diplomatically). I contacted a number of people with whom I’ve not been in touch in quite some time, including Pastors C. & S. from the Berkeley realm, and my old friend Jean Anne from Stockton.  While this may have been a dubious choice, I couldn’t help but notice that the responses were generally very warm, and that every one of these people commented on how much better I sounded. If I sounded “better” during a manic phase when I was often angry and freaking out, how much better will I sound as I return to normalcy? There is indeed a sense of progress here.

10. Life holds promise. I doubt I’ll go hungry today. God is Good.

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A little bit goes a long, long way.

Gratitude List 1063

My list from yesterday morning.

1. I feel kinda “normal” this morning.  I like it when I’m at my norm, when nothing is setting me off.

2. I noticed, as of this morning, that I’m able to pray again. When people have come to mind, I’ve been able to pray for them rather than just worry about them or (worse yet) be indifferent toward them. It’s the evidence of a prayer life that I associate with the state of sobriety that I find to be the best, most useful state.

3. Slept during a normal time frame. I forget when I went to bed (8 or 9) but awoke at around 4am feeling rested and refreshed. Dreamed a lot too.

4. Heard from my daughter for the first time in a long time.   All she said was “hey daddy, love you hope you’re well” and then didn’t reply to any of my following, very immediate, most excited texts. Still, that’s better than nothing.  Grateful to hear that she is (1) alive, and (2) breathing.  It does make a difference.  ;)

5. This coffee is great, from the Sunset. I enjoyed jogging to the store and back in the 18 degrees. It didn’t feel oppressively cold, and the nice guy was working graveyard shift. Got a large Hi-Rev coffee, still working on it.

6. This is a really nice spot, where my apartment is. I like my desk, and where it sits, and the view. The seclusion really sits well with me, if truly appreciated and used properly. I like the early morning hours.

7. Nice chat with a good friend, one of the volunteers at the Center.   

8. Soon I’ll be in the cafe, probably at the Round Table, probably writing music, probably smiling.  Looking forward to church this morning, too.  And you know — my life is good these days. There really is a lot to be grateful for.

9. Working on a big number in Act Two for the vocal score.   It’s intriguing.  There’s an interesting tension between the powerful statement of solidarity and the weird campy musical theatre show tune aspect. That’s the tension I’ve got to work with, in order to make this number truly great.  And I will do so.

10. His blessings are new every morning. Great is His faithfulness.

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A little bit goes a long, long way.

Gratitude List 1049

Here’s my daily gratitude list from Saturday morning, the morning after I finished notating my Vocal Score to Act One of Eden in Babylon.  

1. Slept 9 hours between 8:30 & 5:30, best sleep I’ve gotten in ages. Vivid dreams, only got up twice to use the bathroom, went immediately back to sleep. No tossing or turning, very restful.

2. Played first at the Open Mike last night, did “Fumblin’ with the Blues” and “I Am the Blues.” Paul A. jumped in with the Cajon on the 2nd verse of Fumblin’ it was pretty awesome. Aubrey was there, hadn’t seen her in a few months, good to see her. A nice occasion.

3. Sleep removed the earlier hypomania. I’m healthier this morning mentally, and less self-absorbed. But I’m still thankful for the mania, because it propelled the completion of a project that is important to me.

4. Yesterday at around 1:30pm, I finished Act One of the Eden in Babylon vocal score, fully formatted, like so.  Also, the guy at the print shop gave me an extra copy for free, because he did it single-sided the first time by mistake. It looks really great, all coil-bound, and the cost was $12.40. (It’s 75 pages).

5. Conveniently sold my last copy of Exile yesterday for $10 as well.  :)

6. Made it through last night.  Having accomplished something significant, I was strongly tempted to “celebrate.”  Thankfully, the Open Mike was celebration enough.

7. Took a nice shower just now.  It again feels great to have my own shower, where I don’t have to deal with all kinds of other guys on the way to or fro, or in the bathroom.  2017 was the first year since 2010 since this has happened.   Very grateful for my nice, spacious, secluded, reasonably secure apartment.

seek-respect-not-attention-it-lasts-longer-www-princeea-com-235351128. Looking forward to meeting with M. at 1pm.   It will be exciting to go through the music with the actual hard-copy coil-bound score (double-sided too, which means only half as many page turns).   M. also complimented me on the script using academic terminology, including one word I’ve never heard before.  (He said the “polyrhymes” were “spectacular.”)

9.  Sounds of Silence is getting a good response now that I’ve fixed it up, and also added a song description and a SoundCloud to the page, with descriptive image.  Even more grateful, I heard four lines of music & lyrics in my sleep during a power nap yesterday.  They survived my wake-up memory long enough for me to write them down.  Then last night, I “heard” a B part and the beginnings of a C part.  Grateful that I still have the music in me.

10. It feels really good to simply be respected these days.  Neither idolized nor scorned, neither flattered nor ridiculed, but simply respected.  It’s the best possible feeling – it puts me at peace inside.  Life is good, and God is Good.

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A little bit goes a long, long way.

Tuesday Tuneup 39

Q. Where would you like to be?

A. In a place that’s slightly better than where I am now.

Q. Only slightly better?  Why not hugely better?  

A. Because I’m basically very happy where I am already.

Q. But if you got to a place that was hugely better, would you object?

A. Not at all.

Q. Then why not just shoot for the huge?   Why settle for the slight?

A. Because if I said I wanted to be in a place that was hugely better, it would sound as though I were dissatisfied with the place where I am right now.  And that’s not true.  I’m actually very grateful for where I am right now.

Q. But if you’re satisfied with where you are right now, then why do you need for it to even be slightly better?   

A. Hm . . . that’s a good question.   

Q. Come on — out with it!   Are you satisfied, or are you not??

A. Well . . . maybe it’s a matter of degrees.  I’m grateful that things aren’t nearly as bad as they used to be.  But I can’t pretend that they couldn’t still be better.

Q. So you’re saying you could be more grateful than you are right now?

A. Yes.  I would like to be slightly more grateful than I am now.

Q. In what way could this come about?

A. If my place were not so — stagnant.  If there were more of a sense of — forward motion.

Q. What do you mean?

A. Everything seems to be the same — day after day, month after month.

Q. But how can you say that?  Isn’t this one of the most productive periods of your life?

A. Productive, yes.  But there’s about the same level of productivity day after day, month after month.  And the stuff I produce — it all seems the same.  Nothing ever changes.  I only produce more of the same.

Q. So you need a shake-up?

A. Hopefully not.   A shake-up would probably do the trick, but it’s never very pretty in the process.

Q. What about a wake-up?

A. That would go easier on me.

Image: Come to our Bible Study Image | Bible Clip Art | Christart.comQ. Do you want me to wake you up?

A. No.

Q. Why not?

A. Because it’s not your job.

Q. Whose job is it, then?

A. I would say, it’s God’s job.

Q. Are you praying for a wake-up?

A. Every morning I pray for a wake-up.  It doesn’t have to be a huge one.  It just has to make me slightly more awake than I’ve been.

Q. What happens when you’re slightly more awake?

A. I’m slightly more effective.

Q. And what happens then?

A. I’m slightly more grateful.  I have slightly more faith.  I’m more in touch with hope, and a sense of purpose.   And I begin to believe again.  I begin to believe in God, and in myself.  I believe that there’s a direction.  I may not see it, but I still believe.  And then my gratitude has meaning.  It has basis, purpose, and form.

Q. And then you are satisfied?

A. I am.  Any further questions?  

The Questioner is silent.