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1. Grateful to have gotten a good night’s sleep and to be “up and at it” on a brand new day. There was a time in my life, not too long ago, when a good night’s sleep was out of the question.

2. Grateful to be working with such a fine team of talented, dedicated young people. Particularly grateful for the new team member, who appears already to be just as great as all the other great people on the team.

3. Even though our small, close-knit artistic community has been somewhat shattered by the Pandemic, I find gratitude in the fact that we still interact positively online, and that occasional real-life gatherings have left me feeling warm inside, with a renewed sense of hope.

4. Grateful for the Black & Decker coffeemaker and for the tasty Columbian coffee I was able to obtain at low cost at the local Winko’s. There was a time in my life, not too long ago, when obtaining a morning cup of coffee was a real struggle.

5. Grateful for the gratitude that the Giver of Life imbues upon my spirit, every time I ask for help in the morning. Grateful that, despite the pandemonium of the present day, life can still be beautiful — one day at a time.

“One ought, every day at least, to hear a little song, read a good poem, see a fine picture, and, if it were possible, to speak a few reasonable words.”
     ― Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

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(1) It used to be, people either begrudgingly tolerated me or completely avoided me. That these young people not only do neither — but actually appear to look up to me and admire me — is almost more than my fragile ego can bear.

(2) I’d assumed it was still the heat wave when I first stepped out the door to check my mail at around noon. To my surprise, it was cloudy, cool — and perfect running weather. My sunset run is scheduled to be sweet.

(3) Finished sequencing Sirens of Hope last night – check it out. It’s the opening number to my musical – the Kids will be singing to that track in lots of big harmonies. Lyrics are right here. Thankful for being in the position to move forward with this project, after all these years.

(4) I believe I may have found a good therapist at Community Care. They take both my forms of insurance, and I believe the therapist is versed in issues pertaining to PTSD. We begin on Wednesday.

(5) Meeting with the Professor of Journalism on Zoom in three minutes. Still kinda blown away that people like professors with degrees would even associate with me — but on the other hand, why wouldn’t they? Glad I’m finally going to get some help.

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Sheltering in Place: the Opposite of Living Outdoors

Below the image and link is an almost-verbatim transcript of my most recently published column in Street Spirit. There may or may not be one more column. Then for reasons largely related to the PTSD that I acquired while homeless, I have decided to bow out of this particular gig. Alastair Boone the editor-in-chief has been wonderful to work with, as was Terry Messman, the previous editor who first hired me.

A watercolor image of a house.

Click Here for Original Version

When I first heard the expression “sheltering in place,” an immediate thought came to mind. For a long time, during many years of homelessness, I lived in a place where there is no shelter. Now that sheltering in place is required, I am living a lifestyle that is the direct opposite of my previous manner of life. Once I recognized that polarity, it opened me up to a wealth of useful observations.

For one thing, I noticed that the way I had been living since moving indoors was in many ways not so much different than how I had lived when I was still homeless. Before the pandemic, I still found myself wandering from place to place throughout the day, looking for places to plug in my laptop. I still would spend two or three bucks at coffee shops and fast food joints, as though I had just managed to scrounge up that much money on the streets.

Moreover, even though I had lived indoors for almost four years, I was still feeling halfway uneasy in many of these establishments. In the same way as when I was homeless, I felt as though I wasn’t quite “supposed” to be there. But why? 

As I began to shelter in place, I realized that I had still been using the library, the McDonald’s, and even the hospital in such a way that suggested I had nowhere else to go. In any of these places, I would sit down, plug in my laptop, and hang out for hours on end. After all, I live near a hospital where they have free Starbucks coffee and unlimited refills. Seriously! You can even get a nice home-cooked breakfast for just under three bucks.

Since I did have a place to go—my own apartment—it seemed a bit odd that I wasn’t spending more time there. But after the shelter-in-place order, when I was no longer replicating my homeless life by wandering from spot to spot throughout the day, I found that I appreciated my apartment all the more. 

So I asked myself: “Why should I spend hours walking from one building in town to another? Why should I spend money in cyber cafes, when I have my own dwelling place now, with my own power outlets, and food in the cupboard? My rent money, like that of many, is over half of my monthly check. Why was I wasting the full benefits of my apartment by using it only as a crash pad?” 

It then dawned on me that this, too, had been carried over from my former homeless experience. When I was homeless, did I ever go back to my sleeping spot in the middle of the day and hang out there? Of course not! My sleeping space was tucked away where hopefully no one would find me during the night. It would have been pretty self-defeating to hang out there during the daytime, in broad daylight. 

But now that I had my own indoor place, what was the sense in continuing to avoid my own home during the daytime? There may have been a certain twisted sense in continuing to avoid washing the dishes and taking out the garbage, but other than that, it was sheer laziness that kept me from properly accessing and maintaining my own dwelling place, as well as a waste of rent money. 

As I have begun to spend more time inside my apartment, I have also become better at certain household tasks. I am no longer intimidated by the kitchen. I no longer limit the extent of my cooking potential to Kraft Macaroni & Cheese. I don’t fear the condition of the bathroom, and I broke out a vacuum cleaner for the first time in a good fifteen years. 

The things that make a home nice are also being illuminated. Paintings are hanging on the wall now, whereas before they were only leaning against it. All that is changing for the better— and I’m glad.  For where before there was no shelter, and all my deeds were out in the open, now there is only shelter — outside of daily exercise and the occasional errand — and virtually all my deeds are secluded.

With that revelation, finally, there is gratitude. Gratitude for the food stocked up in the cupboard, and for its being the food of my own choice—not food served or granted by those helping me, but food determined by my own agency and wherewithal. Gratitude that the condiments of hygiene may be found in my medicine cabinet; indeed, that I even have a medicine cabinet in which such things may be kept. The grounds for gratitude, for all the simple things in life I longed for in all those years of homelessness, are greatly increased — and illuminated — through the phenomenon of sheltering in place.

Homeless No More is a column that features the stories of people making the transition from homelessness to housing. Andy Pope is a free-lance writer who lives in the Pacific Northwest, and is the author of Eden in Babylon, a musical about youth homelessness in urban America.

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Gratitude List 1600

(1) Increased exercise has been having benefits I’d not expected. For one thing, I’m sleeping more – and sleep is good. For another thing, I’m drinking more water — and water is good. The many “fringe benefits” of aerobic exercise are making themselves known. Not to mention, I’ve also lost 15 pounds; plus, my scaphoid fracture has healed, so I can do my push-ups again.

(2) The musical project is also going surprisingly well. It takes a lot of effort to prepare a full-scale musical for production. There have been many critiques and revisions. What’s happening now is a fine-tune polish. I’m grateful for the dedicated and talented people who make up the present team.

(3) In the past couple weeks, I’ve learned at least three things about myself that may prove very useful. A little surprised I didn’t see these things before. I’d elaborate, but I’ll leave them for tomorrow’s Tuesday Tuneup.

(4) I seem to have a lot more energy than I did earlier.

(5) The pandemic collides with an almost untenable national and global crisis in such a way that we have all been forced to snap out of a gigantic laxity that we probably did not even know we had been engaging. The human race has an uncanny propensity to ignore its difficulties till the very last minute — and just as uncanny a capacity to bond together at the last minute to save the day. We will weather this storm, for we are the Human Race.

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Gratitude List 1573

(1) I’m in an unusually good mood today, but I have no idea why.   If I find out, I’ll be sure to let you all know.

(2) Running at five in the morning has got to be one of the more pleasant experiences in life.   I took a few days off, then ran three miles yesterday, and three this morning.   Each of those runs felt effortless.  I’m sure I ran faster too.   Looking down at my “tree trunk” legs, I noticed they weren’t quite so trunky.   I’m not only losing weight — I’m actually getting into shape.  

(3) Did my first push-ups since the wrist injury, and did okay.  Did 5 three days ago, and 7 today.   I’ll be back up to 25 in no time.

(4) Check out this cool Scripture: “While physical exercise is of some value, spiritual exercise is of total value.  For its value is not only the present life, but also in the life to come.” (1 Timothy 4:8).

(5) Whatever else has happened, I gotta say that this new team I am working with is anything but flaky.  These Kids are professional, punctual, enthusiastic, talented, and above all: RELIABLE.  There may be hope for this project yet.

“The pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity. The optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.”
—  Winston Churchill 

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Gratitude List 1569

(1)  I’m glad the local cafe is open, with limited seating.   It feels nice to be spaced apart from people in a wide open building.   And this particular building brings with it good vibes and memories.   Also they have a really good doppio here, and this is the gentlest way to start the day.

(2) It’s only in the low 70’s (Fahrenheit) after a grueling heat wave.   It felt pleasant riding my bicycle over here, and I can probably manage a substantial ride later on this evening.

(3) Grateful for the Lenovo IdeaPad I have.  It’s a good, durable Windows machine, and I’ve had very little difficulty with it.   Also grateful  for the backup ASUS I keep in the bedroom.  It’s nice to have a couple functional computers.

(4) Grateful for my bicycle.  It’s a Topanga Diamond Back, 21 speed mountain bike.   Best bike I’ve had in a while.

(5) I’m happy the Presbyterian church lets me play their Baldwin GP-190 concert grand piano.  It’s the first non-Yamaha piano I have truly embraced, among grands.   I’m going to go over there shortly and start preparing for tomorrow’s musical rehearsal.   Life is pretty good – it really is.

“At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.”   —  Albert Schweitzer

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Gratitude List 1568

(1) Made it to my new doctor for the first time this morning.   He’s knowledgeable and respectful, which is what I was after.   Had all the lab work done, and was diagnosed with “nausea.”  (Unsurprising, considering all that’s going on in the world today.) 

(2) Got up a little early today – 3 am instead of the usual 4:30.   This enabled me to get more work done on the arrangement of the third number in my musical.   It’s coming along.    I’ll post it (along with the lyrics) once I’ve gotten from A to Z with it.

(3) The running’s been better than ever lately.   Got weighed at the clinic, and I’ve lost 11 lbs since last time I was at a scale.   No need to provide the exact figure — let’s just say I’ve got 24 more pounds to go.

(4) Did all the wash.  It’s not only nice to have clean clothes, it has a way of motivating me to clean up the rest of the house while I’m at it.

(5) A young journalist who has a job with a certain newspaper is urging me to apply for one of a couple positions they have open — and I’m following through, so wish me luck.  I’m grateful for the positive impression I’ve managed to make on everyone I’ve met in journalism, and for the sense that out of all the times I’ve lived through in my relatively long life, these times are the most worth writing about.   

“Be as you wish to seem.  The way to gain a good reputation is to endeavor to be what you desire to appear.”
— Socrates

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Gratitude List 1563

(1) Even though I haven’t run for almost a week, I’m still losing weight.  Bike rides of up to ten miles, plus brisk walks of two to four miles, are helping.   I’m grateful for the new role of daily outdoor exercise, in providing a healthy change-up from sheltering in place.

(2) The interactive scoring of the third number of my musical is coming along.   Grateful for this new “solo project,” which appears to be ideal for working from home.   

(3)  Last Tuesday we held the first scene rehearsal on Zoom with the new people, Cody and Keva.   I was amazed at how well it went.   We’re also meeting at the church tomorrow to learn the singing, and there’s another scene rehearsal online on Thursday, hopefully with additional people to fill out the missing parts.   Despite the obvious obstacles, a momentum is taking place.   

(4) I really enjoyed the weekly book study on Zoom on Wednesday — we’re going through America’s Original Sin: Racism, White Privilege, and the Bridge to a New America by Jim Wallis.   This is an important and timely theme, one that ought not be shirked.   I’m honored to be able to participate in this study, and in the sharing of experiences with others.    

(5) This past Sabbath was in a way the most effective, in that I actually succeeded in resisting the temptation to work, all throughout the twenty-four hours.   As a result, all the work I’ve done since then seems somehow blessed, because I kept that day holy.  Somehow throughout Saturday I felt as though the Universe were expanding, and my own role expanding, as well.  It was as though, as soon as I stopped to listen, I could hear the Universe breathe.    

Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.”
    — Albert Camus 

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Gratitude List 1560

(1)  Grateful for a decent six hours of solid sleep after running in the evening last night.  Glad I’ve been sleeping reasonably well lately, in general.

(2)  Painlessly did the 2 1/2 mile course at around sunset yesterday.   I’m definitely both eating less and running more these days.   At this stage, that’s something to be grateful for.  

(3) Amazing that the two new singer-actors K. & C. have emerged, desiring to portray the male and female antagonists in a Scene Two audition preparation.   They’re even learning the song together.   (True that I had something to do with this happening — being as I was the one who asked them if they were interested.   But still, I find it wonderful that two very talented people like K. & C. would actually be interested.)   I’m feeling a lot of gratitude that almost everything that’s happened lately with respect to the musical has been really positive and encouraging.

(4) I gotta say I’m grateful for Finale 26  music notation software and for the very sophisticated Audacity freeware that I use to edit sound files.   I’ve been refining the interactive tracks for the opening number and the second number, and moving on to the third.   I’m grateful to have such an interesting and meaningful project to be working on.

(5) In seven days, God willing, I will have lived in this city and spent every night indoors — usually all alone, usually in quietude, in a dwelling place of my own choosing — for four entire years.  Five years ago I’d have never dreamed it possible.  Oh, I dreamed it all right — but I never thought it would actually happen.  I and everyone else I knew assumed I would die a miserable death in a Bay Area gutter.   Instead, I am a healthy and happy man today.   I am very grateful that I am no longer homeless. 

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Gratitude List 1556

(1) This morning I ran 4 miles in 57F degrees along Paradise Path.  It was my first decent run in over a week, and it felt really good.   I feel kinda cleansed now, and grateful.      

(2) Enjoyed a second scheduled video chat with my friend Lynne Fisher this morning on WhatsApp.   Thankful for our friendship and for WhatsApp, which makes it seem as though my friend from across the ocean is right there sitting in front of me.   

(3) I keep adding to the arrangement I’ve been working on, and it’s getting closer to being finished.   It will be interesting how it sounds with the singing over it, once we reach that stage.  Thankful for Finale music notation software.  

(4) Rehearsal went well on Tuesday, and it looks as though we’ve another one scheduled for Wednesday.   Thankful that the church has been letting us meet once a week in small groups, observing social distancing.   Even more thankful that most of the progress on the project is being made by individuals sheltering at home.   

(5) I must say once again, I’m thankful for my apartment, that I have all to myself in solitude.  I got up at three in the morning and spent the quiet hours reading and writing as I pleased.   Then, when I came home from running, I downed a Gatorade and plopped down on the sofa exhausted.   Now I’m smelling the coffee.   Sheltering in place is a lot nicer than living in a place where there isn’t any shelter.   Believe me — I’ve done both.   

“Sir, my concern is not whether God is on our side; my greatest concern is to be on God’s side, for God is always right.”
   — Abraham Lincoln 

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Gratitude List 1555

(1) Stocked up on groceries last night during the wee hours.   Glad I didn’t postpone it much longer, it already being the 6th.  Enjoyed a brisk two mile walk to Winko’s, and took a cab back with multiple bags.  Seeing all the food in my cupboard gives me a great sense of abundance.   Chances are, I won’t go hungry for another month — and for that I am grateful.   

(2)  I had begun to think the players were drifting again, but now it appears we’ve been able to manifest a major rehearsal on Tuesday.   The idea is to be ready to film our respective videos on site, and thus successfully add new female back-up vocals to the piece we’re working on.  I suspect it will all come together by Friday.  

(3) Good thing the Kids didn’t resurface for rehearsal till when they did, because in the interim I heard something fantastic in my head.  It’s a beautiful adjustment to the back-up harmonies — much more authentic than the previous harmonies.   Whereas before, I had constructed the harmonies almost arbitrarily according to my knowledge of four-part theory, now the true harmonies are emerging from a place that transcends four-part theory.   (And the Kids show up just in time to sing them!)  

(4) Paid the rent, did the laundry, and am putting things in place.   Enjoying the vigor of  hunkering down for another month of sheltering in a place of my own choosing.

(5) Getting ready for a 7-mile bike ride, for which last night’s brisk 2 mile walk was like a warm-up.  Looking forward to my morning run tomorrow.   When I lived outdoors, I used to feel this rush of gratitude every time I happened to get inside and have a place to myself for a while.   Now I live indoors — and since sheltering in place I’ve discovered that same rush of gratitude every time I step outside to exercise alone.   The Lord works in strange and mysterious ways.  

“Let us temper our criticism with kindness. None of us comes fully equipped.”
—  Carl Sagan  

 

Gratitude List 1552

(1) Nice to be inside, out of the rain.

(2) I’ve been realizing that I don’t have to believe all the things that people at my church believe, or swallow the pastor’s theology hook, line & sinker.   We can “agree to disagree” at this church, and this is beautiful.

(3) Ran three miles surprisingly well last night.   Being all off schedule, with many things weighing on me, it will be a beautiful night for a light jog once the rain lets up a little.   Glad to be living in a place where it’s safe to run at night.   

(4) Rehearsal went remarkably well on Tuesday — excitingly so.   I was so jazzed afterwards I dove into a full arrangement of my Opening Number and mapped out a plan to create a complete Piano-Conductor Score.   After that, I really will be done with this baby.   People will be able to do the show anywhere, without my even having to be on board.    Maybe I can even find a date for Opening Night.    Maybe I’ll win a Tony Award for Best Musical of the Year.   The sky’s the limit when you’re on a roll.

(5) I’ve been feeling more hope for the future lately, despite things having been rocky.   If we don’t drop the ball, we might even win in November.

“The fool speaks because he has to say something.   The wise man speaks because he has something to say.”
        —  Plato
 

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Gratitude List 1550

(1) Once again I have rediscovered the power of sleep.   Grateful for the blessing of being able to go back to bed this morning and recharge.   Three hours later, I felt thirty years younger.

(2) In the past week, an almost supernatural sequence of events has caused all kinds people to come together in support of my project.   I am particularly grateful for a special ensemble of young people who seem to keep hanging with me, no matter what.  I may be grouchy in my old age, and yet I do not know where else on earth I could have found a bunch of Kids so devoted.

(3) Also grateful for the students I’ve picked up on Skype and Zoom since we’ve been quarantined, and for Zoom meets in general, which are less anxiety-provoking (for me) than the real live gatherings.    

(4) Although I enjoyed completing my Vocal Score, I wasn’t looking forward to the arduous task of creating a piano score.  So I’ve immersed myself wholeheartedly in the more exciting task of creating a full score for the pit orchestra — a score that will be electronically replicated for our interactive production.   The piano part is still the most tedious, but now that it’s a smaller part of a much larger project that engages and excites me, the arduous tedium is worth it.  Grateful for the new confidence that I will not only get the job done, but will do an even bigger and better job in the process.   I’m serious!   I have total new confidence — and the proof will be in the pudding.

(5) It’s a beautiful sunny day at 75F degrees in spacious North Idaho.  Even in the midst of a pandemic and ongoing concerns about climate change, we are still granted the blessing of a beautiful day.   One Day at a Time.   

“Treat people as if they were what they ought to be, and you help them become what they are capable of being.”
      –Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

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Gratitude List 1542

(1) Just ran 2 1/2 miles on a gorgeous afternoon.   That’s three days in a row I’ve managed to run.    Am now at a pit-stop on my 12 mile bike ride.  Good thing too, since sheltering in place has had a way of making me fat.

(2) I was again gifted with a month’s worth of groceries through a combination of two Winko’s cards that people gave me.  I’m all stocked up now with a variety of foods, and glad the monthly trip is out of the way.

(3) Connected with my daughter this morning, which was positive.   Good that she is in my life, and nice that I’m on terms with her boyfriend now, as well.

(4) Grateful for the “soft opening” of local businesses and, in particular, this pleasant cafe where I have alighted to find a free doppio awaiting me, courtesy of an appreciative regular customer.   Happy to be granted a glimpse of the friendly faces of the many like-minded souls whom I have come to know and love during nearly four years of sojourning in this charming little community.

(5) The fellow who helps me do the piano recordings has agreed to show up with his iPhone every Thursday to help.   They will probably only be audio recordings for a while, but I’m grateful to be back in the groove.   Moreover, I feel my playing has been helped for the break — I’m still loud, but less furious in my passion.   I guarantee you, however, I’ll still be loud.   (Some messages are best heard at higher volumes.)

“The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are so certain of themselves and wiser people so full of doubts.”
   —  Bertrand Russell

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A little bit goes a long, long way. 

 

Gratitude List 1532

(1) I am thankful that my daughter is in my life today.   It makes me feel good to know that, whatever might have gone wrong, I’m not the type of dad that I keep hearing some of these Kids tell me about.   I’ve made mistakes — but at least I care.  Some of those so-called fathers did not even care — and worse.

(2) Thankful for this desk.  For my Lenovo IdeaPad, which safely returned from a warranty fix-up.    Thankful for Audacity free audio editing software, because I got into the multi-tracking and the mixing last night or the first time, and it was all I could do to stop mixing Zazen’s song, I was so thrilled.  This opens up a whole new world of creative possibilities.  I can actually even place musical underscores at key moments in my oral presentations.  It’s amazing what technology can do, if properly utilized.

(3) Grateful for the revelation that when I lost my cool recently, I was basically mad at all the other people on the team because I wasn’t doing my job.   True, they weren’t doing their jobs either, but it’s my job to make sure they do their jobs, and they’re definitely not going to be about doing it without pay and without pressure of definite deadline if I don’t kinda gently get on them about it, now and again.   So, I’m glad I saw the light.  I got my work cut out for me now.

(4) Just ran six miles — my longest run since I’ve been in North Idaho, I’m ashamed to say — and it feels great.  Looking forward to getting a lot of work done tonight.

(5) Looking forward to meeting my new student on Zoom for the third time tomorrow, and to having coffee thereafter with my buddy Tom, the fellow who helps with the four-hand job of putting the smartphone on the tripod.  But other than that once-or-twice-daily step-out, I mostly continue to be grateful to be sheltering in place.  It’s teaching me to be grateful for the place I have for shelter.   For a long time, there was no such place.   Things really could be — and have been — a lot worse than they are today.

“I believe I am better than the people who are trying to reform me.”
— Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 

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A little bit goes a long, long way. 

 

Gratitude List 1510

1. The main thing that I’m grateful for, in the midst of this worldwide trial, is that I have realized how sweet it is for me to be more of a homebody. As I slowly begin to make my abode a more pleasing place to dwell, I remember — bit by bit — all kinds of visions, dreams, and prayers from a former time, when I was homeless. Thoughts of how I would fix up my home if ever I would be so lucky as to live inside again.

2. Another thing that has been a blessing is this. Rather than feel a need to rush to get out the door to get to church in the morning, I can slow down, take my time, and listen to sermons being filmed in empty sanctuaries all over the world.

3. The impact of COVID-19 has also rekindled an athletic spirit that somehow, throughout time, I have lost. Three days ago I ran three miles before sunset, faster and more freely than usual. Yesterday I did a nine mile bike ride before sunset. A rhythm of cross-training is unfolding: walk, run, bike; walk, run, bike – in 3 day patterns.

4. Producing an interactive version of Eden in Babylon is also an idea that would never have come to any of us who have struggled for nearly a year and a half now to overcome all the obstacles toward a live stage production. And yet, it brings out the best in me and others, in a way that a live stage show could never have done.

5. In believing that a cure will be found, and encouraging us all to pray in that direction, maybe history will show that this is a time when all of us and our families chose to turn inward for reflection, and turn to God Above for guidance.  We may find in the process that we have become the best people we can possibly be. There is always hope — and hope has seen the human race through trial after trial since time immemorial. We of the planet Earth are not a people who ever gives up hope.

“Jesus looked at them and said: “With man it is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”     — Matthew 19:26 BSB

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A little bit goes a long, long way. 

Gratitude List 1423

(1) Thankful for the current mania, because I’m in good spirits and getting a lot accomplished.

(2) Thankful for the recent depression, because I got caught up on my sleep and gave my head a rest.

(3) Thankful that I am only mildly and not severely bipolar, because managing this disorder without medication has been both a challenge and a source of beauty in my life.

(4) When I contemplate how hugely I’ve been blessed, I almost feel guilty that I’m not doing my best to return the favor.  But it’s a good feeling, a quasi-guilt, kinda more like a heartfelt conviction than a self-abnegation.

(5) Am really enjoying Ashley’s book.  She writes very clearly and is obviously an expert on mental health conditions & the DSM-5.

(6) I’m being called upon by the people at the coffee house to subdue the erratic energies of the people from the recovery center next door, which I believe is impossible.  However, what I’m grateful for is that someone would consider me mature and responsible enough to be in such a mediating position.   Usually it’s my own energies that they want to subdue.

(7) I’m also being called upon to fill the shoes of my musician friend Paul, who passed away suddenly last month.   A number of the younger musicians and even their parents are turning to me, because Paul was such a great mentor.  While I don’t know that I can follow his act, it’s a good feeling to be thought of as someone who might.

(8) I’m starting to realize that all these things that I tend to perceive as “Mainstream Stress” — the kind of stress that broke me down in 2004 and landed me on the streets for 12 years — are better seen as marvelous opportunities for me to show my shine.

(9) “To whom much is given, much is expected.”

(10) I’m not too manic, I don’t think.  Tears are happening, and they are cleansing.  One day I believe God will wipe every tear from our eyes.   There’s a lot of good in this Universe — we just gotta find it and do something with it.  God is Good.

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A little bit goes a long, long way. 

 

Gratitude List 1418

(1) Slept in till nearly seven in the morning – a good night’s sleep.

(2) Am at the Courtyard Cafe getting the free Pikes Peak coffee.  The brew is especially robust this morning, and I’m on my second cup.

(3) This new Topanga 21-speed mountain bike is great!  It’s wonderful that my friend helped me get it, with lock, pump and helmet too.  Did 7 miles on it the first morning.

topanga-1

(4) After a substantial bout of hibernation, I am up to face the day.  I’m a member of the community here.  As such, I am accepted.

(5) I like this version of Jack Straw that I’m listening to now.  Interesting how Google comes up with great things for me to watch on YouTube.  

(6) Just heard from Tracy the editor of Spokane Faith & Values.  She was asking again about my homelessness story pertinent to the city of Spokane, and I again had to ask her if she’d received my story on social media and pleasure-seeking.  She apparently had not, so I was able to resend it.  Hopefully it will be published soon.

(7) A third cup of great-tasting coffee, like Starbucks medium roast.  Very nice, as well as free of charge.

(8) I gave myself a three-day rest from all my usual companions and activities, and am now rested up, and eager to present myself among them once again.

(9) Not wanting to further ride the bike just yet, it feels right to be bundled up and walking briskly through the 36F degree weather.  Thankful for the free time for vigorous exercise.   

(10) God is Good.

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A little bit goes a long, long way. 

 

Gratitude List 1413

This week’s gratitude list is from yesterday morning.

1. Only slept 4 1/2 hrs btw 10 & 2:30, but I’m truly thankful to be up during the ‘absolutely quiet hours.’  I always reflect better, and also get better writing accomplished, during these early morning hours. 

2. Though I hadn’t run for quite some time, the ease with which I ran the full 4 mile course yesterday was startling. I also did 22 pushups afterwards (10 before the shower and 12 after).

3. The morning run helped me to relax and keep the Sabbath afterwards. Somehow, that kind of running helps me to be okay with being alone. 

4. My daughter and I talked at length. I always hear everything she says, despite that I am not a very good listener in other contexts. It is good to know of her situations, as they become my prayer concerns. 

5. Continuing to tidy up the house is getting me to remember that a lot of my alleged severe ADHD is resolved when I know where everything is.

6. Heard from my friend Nick from California on his work break. Hadn’t talked to him for a while and really enjoyed the conversation.

7. After that, I meditated for twenty minutes. I’m researching it, and starting to get more out of it. It’s a practice.

8. Community Action calculated my benefit to be $297 and paid that amount to the utility company.  This is great, especially since I’d only requested $99 (my current bill for two months in the Winter). Looks like I’m covered for a while.

9. Realized on reflection, I need to hold off on the column about homelessness for Spokane Faith & Values a while longer. I don’t mind expressing my opinion as long as it’s a genuine conviction. But there’s something on the last page of the 5th Draft that isn’t quite right. Tracy said she’d hold off. In the meantime, best I turn in one of my other stories.  Grateful I realized this, as I’d have stuck my foot in my mouth.  

10. God is Good.

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Gratitude List 1403

(1) A heartfelt prayer for God to change my heart in a certain situation was gradually answered as I knelt for the first time at the foot of the nice sofa someone gave me.  I want to say that I am also grateful for the sofa itself, the fresh cold air that seeps through my cracked window, the double blankets, and the sense of home that wraps around me, whilst I sleep.

(2) On the advice of a friend, I took a hot bath last night with Epsom salts.   Grateful that I have my own bathtub these days.  It’s even greater than having my own shower.  Gone are the days when I had to deal with scores of other dudes in public shower facilities.   Thank God for having finally granted me a living space with dignity, where I have had room to grow and to become closer to my whole, true self.

(3) My church.  They let me hang out there, play the piano, chat with the employees, and even take naps in the study sometimes or cook food in the kitchen.  They’e such a non-judgmental, accepting, tolerant bunch of people.

(4) My daughter.  How many dads can claim that their 34-year-old daughter calls them every single day?

(5) This tiny little out-of-the-way village where I live.  Here, people respect Artists and value the Arts.  I got a lot more than I asked for, when I asked God to get me out of all those years of homelessness.  After all, I had only asked for “a lock on the door, a window, and a power outlet.”  He gave me so much more than that.   He gave me an entire community of like-minded people — a city I can call my home.  

(6) Though I still don’t have a lot of the things that would make my life more comfortable, focusing on what I do have always lifts me up.

(7) Though a setback at the beginning of the month has left its mark, I somehow know that if I do the right things, everything will be all right.

(8) Though it is horrible to see people who are quite lovely in real life acting like asses on Facebook, I am thankful for the counterexample.  Now I know how not to behave, and I look forward to treating those with whom I disagree with courtesy and dignity.

(9) Critical voices from the past — Anti-Art voices who think of Music as something to be bought and sold like used cars, rather than an expression of the Divine — are beginning to lower their volume.

(10) God is Love.

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Gratitude List 1397

This morning’s daily gratitude.

(1) Though I slept only four hours sporadically, I did get a solid afternoon nap yesterday and also have confidence I’ll sleep more deeply at some point in the near future.   I’m grateful for a light schedule these days that doesn’t hassle me or make me too uptight, and I’m always thankful for the power of needed sleep.

(2) Grateful to have a nice quiet apartment to myself, where I can enjoy the quiet hours of darkness before the dawn, and usually get a lot of writing done, unhindered by interruptions from others.

(3) Nice to hear the rain pitter-pattering outside my window.   After so many years of sleeping outdoors, it’s nice to be inside.

(4) The six-piece praise ensemble at my church really did an outstanding job premiering my first-ever worship song, “I Want to Worship You,” yesterday.  They were so gentle and genuine with it, I was so honored for them to have selected it.   They put their hearts into it, and I was blessed.

(5) I’ve been faithful to meditate twenty minutes daily, with a few days off here and there.  It’s helping me to effect a better balance in life, and not be so self-destructively driven in the area of creative output.  Also, a local math professor gifted me with a copy of The Cloud of Unknowing in contemporary English.   That’s the book that influenced my pastor’s meditative practice, and it’s helping to inform mine, as well.   

(6) I also just found a free pdf of the book Please Understand Me online.  Eager to delve back into David Kiersey’s unique Myers-Briggs type descriptions, from which I learned so much in the 90’s.

(7) Today marks three and a half years that I have lived indoors after many years of struggling on the San Francisco Bay Area streets.  I’ve paid my rent on time every month, and have mostly lived alone here, with a few house guests here and there.   Between my music and writing gigs, and a healthy retirement income from the government, I have not had to suffer for bread.  Everybody thought I was going to die a pathetic, meaningless death in a gutter.  And now, in the midst of life’s trials and setbacks,  I am nonetheless happier than I have ever been in my life.

(8) Been walking about seven miles a day lately, briskly.  I even did fifteen push-ups in a single set the other day.  I’m thinking I can get by on running just twice a week, and still do the Eugene Half Marathon in April.  It will be a rush to run at sea level again after training at such a high altitude here in North Idaho.

(9) Very grateful for the community of artists, writers, and musicians that I prayed for so desperately for so many years, when I had found myself instead surrounded by hustlers, hookers, and thieves.   The community has come together even more in the wake of the death of a dear friend — a musician named Paul — one of the most vibrant and magnanimous people I have ever met.   He will be remembered in his glaring absence at the Open Mike on Friday.   May Paul Anders rest in the same joy and peace he brought to us all.

(10) God is Love.  

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Gratitude List 1385

This week’s gratitude list is from last Thursday morning, the 16th.  

1. Slept 6 hrs from 9 till 3, deeply w/dreams.

2. I’m gettting to read Proverbs 16 (my favorite chapter) this morning, with 16:7, my favorite verse.

3. My piece on Cancel Culture is being published in The Spokesman.  I have to edit out 300 words to meet their requirements, and it’s due tomorrow. But I can do it. It’s a priority, as The Spokesman is the major newspaper of the 2nd largest city in the State of Washington.

4. It dawned on me during Bible Project that I would probably think more clearly and have less anxiety if I ate a little more properly.   So I resolved to start with eight forms of food that I read are good for people with ADHD in that they adjust dopamine levels in the brain: milk, eggs, fish, strawberries, apples, bananas, almonds and dark chocolate.

5. Ran 1.2 miles from the church to my landlord’s office to Ace Hardware in spikes & street clothes in 24F weather with the wind on my back, nice brisk run. Ran/walked 1.8 back against the wind, since Ace couldn’t copy my mail key and I had to go to the locksmith in the mall on 3rd Street. Good exercise. (Gives “running errands” a new meaning.)

6. Looks like it’s 31F degrees and less snow on ground. I can probably do a significant run this morning, yesterday’s jaunt being a warm-up.

7. Good Folger’s coffee at my own home out of my own Black & Decker coffee maker. Grateful for this place and for the amazing way it came together without my having to pay a deposit or them runing a credit or background chack, thanks be to God and Young Paul, the college graduate whose lease I took over.  Grateful to finally be no longer surrounded by tweakers, in life.

8. Got my daughter’s youtube of her song “Sparrows” from the open mike at the Starry Plough, a work of genius.

9. Got the Street Spirit check and 3 complimentary papers, along with a Happy New Years and a thank you from the editor-in-chief.  Also, John C. paid me the $10 he owed me on a Suspended CD, so I made $35, which ought to cover the utilities bill.

10. Excited about my theology group tonight, which will be on Martin Luther King and Gandhi. I’ve got three writing deadlines before Friday, and this will be a welcome restbit. God is Good.

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Gratitude List 1377

Every Monday, I post one of the gratitude lists I’ve created throughout the past week on this blog. This one’s from Friday morning.  

1. Slept 4 hrs between 9:30 & 1:30, then another 4 hrs between 4 & 8:20, getting up briefly to post my piano video to my blog.   Good sleep.   

2. Felt unusually calm and focused during the hours when I was awake in the middle of the night.  Prayers for people whom I have begrudged were felt with compassion, not forced.   Prayers for people I’ve been concerned about were genuine and free of worry.   Prayers were whispered rather than shouted.  Things seemed softer and more peaceful.

3. Ran 1.3 miles from my house to the church up 3rd Street.   Ran in street clothes but with running shoes and spikes.   Seems a good way to get around in the snow.

4. Got through the whole day yesterday without having to spend any money.  Ate oatmeal at home, then Jeremiah gave me a cup o’ noodles at the church before recording.   Stopped at Mikey’s where Kelsey bought my nachos.   Free dinner at the Recovery Center, followed by St. Mark’s covering my first and only beverage (a mocha) at the Theology group.  

5. Checked my balance for the first time in a few days.  It was a full sixty dollars higher than my mental estimate.  At this rate, I can get thru the rest of the month on $10/day.  

6. The Theology group was nice last night.  I also met four new people there — women —  three of whom were yoga teachers.   The older yoga teacher to my right is the new priest at St. Mark’s.   Funny, I thought I would be uncomfortable there due to the subject matter (emphasis on the body in a body/mind/spirit discussion) but instead I felt inspired to take better care of myself and possibly discard my celibacy in favor of some kind of healthy male-female relationship.  

7. Good talk with my friend Kent last night, mostly about health and yoga.  Also grateful for friends who stick around, being as Kent and I have been friends since 1987.   

8. Meditated for 20 minutes after that (having missed about 5 days).  Funny how the online clock was just hitting 8:00 even as I started, and the (gentle) alarm sound went off at 8:20 as set.   Meditation was somehow informative.

9. I finally have grasped the parallel between the way the mind drifts during meditation and is brought back “to the mark,” and the Christian concept of sin, which literally means “missing the mark.”  This confirms James 1:13-16.  Check it out:

“No one, when tempted, should say, “I am being tempted by God,” for God cannot be tempted by evil and he himself tempts no one.  But one is tempted by one’s own desire, being lured and enticed by it.  Then, when that desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin, and that sin, when it is fully grown, gives birth to death.  Do not be deceived, my beloved.”

10. Let peace begin on Earth, and let it begin with me.   

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Gratitude List 1367

This week’s daily gratitude selection is from Saturday, New Year’s Day.  

1. Happy New Year!

2. Slept six hours from 11:30 till 5:30.   Very sound, tranquil sleep.

3. Nice of Bruce to meet with me for coffee in the morning yesterday.  He’s a good, supportive listener and a very nice man.  Very perceptive, as well.

4. Spent most of the day at the Center yesterday, which in this case was healing.   April is working there now and she has come a very long way.  April and Amber helped me a lot, and it gave me a place to chill when my nerves were harried from lack of sleep the previous night.

5. Prompted by noticing that more people are showing up on Tuesdays than any other day on my blog site, I made a New Years Resolution to put more effort into the blog and stick to the scheduled posts on scheduled days.   Started out with a bang and am encouraged.

6. Really grateful that the recent storm has passed.  For a while, during the sleepless night, it wasn’t possible for me to hang on to a positive thought, and I felt nothing but self-hatred and frustration with others, as well as deep pessimism and a sense of utter defeat.   Somehow that was all lifted during the time when I was at the Center.   Now I don’t feel any frustration with anyone at all, and I have compassion for people whom I usually begrudge.

7. This makes it easier to pray for them.   Also, about prayer life, I noticed something toward the end of Proverbs 1 this morning that answered a big question for me.   Looking forward to a healthier interior life.

8. Was just reading Galatians 5 and had forgotten about some really good stuff in there, particularly how faith is “expressed through love.”

9. Got to have a long talk with Alex last night, which was inspiring on many levels, including meditation, DBT, our daughters, and the great encouragement of his political bent.

10. Out with the Old, in with the New.   2 Corinthians 5:17.   God is Good.

Gratitude List 1365

(1) Slept a huge lot of hours for the second night in a row, didn’t even keep track.  Got up at 8:30 feeling like I can probably pull about five all-nighters in a row if I want to, and get all kinds of stuff done.  Thank God for sleep, when it happens.

(2) Walked into town in the snow after realizing there was no coffee left in the cupboard, and had some interesting peaceful thoughts.

(3) First cup of free Pikes Peak coffee at the Courtyard Cafe went down swimmingly during a pleasant conversation with a guy I like named Bill.  Didn’t know he had written editorials for the local newspaper for years.

(4) It’s uncanny how many people I meet randomly these days turn out to be journalists, columnists, reporters, editors, etc.  

(5) Decided it was about time I learned something about economics, so I spent several hours last night researching Adam Smith, supply-side economics, laissez-faire capitalism, and so forth.  What I want to express is: thank God for the Internet.  What in some ways could be our biggest bane is in many ways our biggest asset.  

(6) The new music minister took me out to lunch after church yesterday, and we had a nice conversation.  He is interested in having the Praise Team present the worship song I wrote.   He seems a nice young man, and I gave him a free Suspended CD in return.  

(7) I could conceivably be depressed over many things right now, but I woke up in one piece and healthy and fit, still having escaped serious injury or physical disease throughout all my days.   Life is keeping me around for some reason — that much is clear.

(8) There’s no reason for me not to remain open to new possibilities; and that prayer I prayed the other day on campus was surely heard.   Lord knows I prayed it loud enough.

(9) “The times they are a’changin’.” — Bob Dylan 

(10) God is Good.  

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Gratitude List 1354

This one’s from Thursday morning.  

1. Slept about 8 hrs from 11:30 till 7:30 am.

2. Snow all about, very beautiful.

3. Echo called early, having also gotten up at 7:30.  She seems well, and I’m glad.  I’ve spoken with her in fact two times today, for which I’m thankful.

4. Also got a chance to talk with Nick.

5. Making progress toward submitting my 2nd column for Tracy.  I am connecting together themes of social media / pleasure-seeking to the creation of Cancel Culture, and then how homeless people have been cancelled by society.

6. Got another compliment, it was from Nick G., the ‘Palouse Pundit,’ it was on my Homelessness Taught Me Gratitude piece, he said it was good writing.  At the end, he said: “Keep writing!”  He himself is reputable, a retired philosophy professor, spent several years with the Maharishi in India.

7. Seneca made me a quad espresso and gave me a day old scone, even though I only paid for a doppio.

8. Took a brisk three mile walk in the snow, wherein all errands were accomplished.

9. This includes having gotten my levothyroxine, of which Dr. M. has how given me a 90 day supply at 137 micrograms / day.

10. Nice to be inside on a snowy day.   God is Good.

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Fifth Column Published

Here’s my 5th column on Homeless No More, as published by Street Spirit under the editorship of Alastair Boone.

Homelessness Taught Me Gratitude
by Andy Pope

When one lives outdoors, and weather conditions are less than favorable, one sometimes wakes up freezing and soaking wet—not to mention flat broke. Under such circumstances, you can’t imagine the feeling of gratitude that would overwhelm me as I succeeded in scraping up 63 cents for a senior cup of coffee at a McDonald’s. At the store most frequented, they wouldn’t let us in if we didn’t have coffee change. Once admitted, our stays were limited to twenty minutes. But it was still huge that I could get out of the rain and get my bearings.

Picture the scenario, if you haven’t personally experienced it yourself. It’s raining cats and dogs. Your already soggy clothes are getting wet all over again. You’re shivering from cold. Your very blankets were full of moisture on awakening. You weren’t so bad when still enclosed beneath those coverings, but boy did it smart when you first got out from under ‘em! All of a sudden you were shaking to the bones. You ran, not walked, in the direction of the McDonald’s where, at 5:20 in the morning, approximately twenty other homeless people were pacing about the sidewalks on University and Shattuck, awaiting the moment of opening.

You don’t have coffee change and you just know they’re not going to let you in as a non-paying “vagrant.” So you swallow your pride, and you start hitting up your homeless buddies for bits of change.

“Hey Dave, do you have a quarter? That’s all I need. Bob, got a nickel? I’m only five cents short . . .” Just as the store is opening, somebody flips five pennies into your hand. “Here use this. I’m good.”

You breathe an incredible sigh of relief. Those five pennies just made the difference between your continuing to freeze your buns off, and your sitting comfortably in a warm building— with a morning cup of coffee to boot. You get in line, you get your coffee, and before you know it, you’re sitting at your favorite Mickey D’s table with a Berkeley Daily Californian. You made it! If you’re lucky, and somebody didn’t get there first, you might even be able to use the bathroom. If you’re even luckier, you’ll get a refill. Luckier still, and they might let you stay longer than twenty minutes. Heck, they might even let you stay till the sun shines through! Nowhere to go, says Gratitude, but up.

Because I live indoors now, a lot of the little things that used to inspire intense gratitude no longer have the same effect. But living inside has not dulled my sense of appreciation. I often find myself overwhelmed by the same kinds of feelings I had when I was able to pay my way into that McDonald’s. But the sources of this gratitude are different.

For example, living inside doesn’t make me exempt from the effects of nasty weather. It’s been freaky inclement in this part of the world lately, with temps in the low 10’s (Fahrenheit) and fierce winds and lots of snow rendering the outdoor trek a bit daunting for most people—and this particular formerly homeless homebody is no exception. The upside is that, when I walk into my apartment from such conditions, nobody is going to kick me out of my own home in twenty minutes and release me to the cold rain and snow. As I sleep, no night wanderer is going to wake me up to ask me for a cigarette, and no police officer is going to shine that bright light in my eyes and wake me up to an interrogation. When morning comes, and I hop into the shower, I won’t have to deal with a number of other men in the shower room, nor will I have had to wait for two hours to get there. Moreover, I get to make my own coffee in the morning. I don’t have to wait beneath a church stairway while a security guard barks orders at me in order to get my day started.

If I took for granted the extraordinary conveniences of indoor living before I was homeless, I certainly don’t today. I’m looking around the room as I write this. I look to my left and I see a 1921 vintage Howard upright piano that somebody gave me for free. How cool is that? I’ve never owned a piano before in my entire life. I look to my right, and I see a darn comfortable couch to crash on. A little further down is a five-drawer dresser. And believe you me, there are a heck of a lot of socks rolled up in that dresser. Gone are the days when I have to line up every Monday in hopes of getting a single pair of socks to last me all week.

For the first 51 years of my life, before I spent the better part of twelve years on the streets of Berkeley and other Bay Area cities, I took all these things for granted. Now, I am careful to make sure that I don’t lose my sense of gratitude as daily life becomes easier. Every morning when I wake up, I jot down ten things I am grateful for to off-set the sense of stress and sometimes drudgery that comes with maintaining all the details of a normal, mundane life.

Where before I would wonder what it was like if someone were homeless, I don’t have to wonder anymore. I know what it’s like to be homeless— and that knowledge is one of the greatest blessings I have ever received. While intense rushes of the feeling are much fewer and farther between now that I am trying to maintain stability, the gratitude, when it does come, is that much the richer.

I am grateful for all the years I lived outdoors, because my homeless experience is what taught me gratitude.

Homeless No More is a column that features the stories of people making the transition from homelessness to housing. Andy Pope is a freelance writer who lives in the Pacific Northwest, and the author of Eden in Babylon, a musical about youth homelessness in urban America.

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Gratitude List 1343

This one’s from Saturday afternoon.   Apparently, I’d had a rough morning, and decided at some point to count my blessings and begin anew.  

1. Am feeling decidedly better.  Starting the day over.  

2. Ran about 2 miles (aborting the 3 mile course when I got tired, and walking back home).

3. Listened to all of Suspended at the round table.   I think my edits are fine now, and also it sounds a lot better conceptually than it did last night.   People will either like it or hate it, but I doubt they’ll think I don’t know what I’m doing.

4. Gave a CD to this guy, the trumpet teacher, whom I saw immediately after I finished listening.   Moments later, at the Co-Op, this fellow the Math professor gave me some cash for one, and this other man the German professor told me he would pay for one if I could figure out how to put it online.

5. Ran into this fellow who writes for the Daily News and we exchanged numbers.   He’s very bright, and knows a lot about journalism, too.  Reminds me, I ran into the journalism professor the other night, who had already read my commentary, since he subscribes to that site.  He said: “Good work!”  Thankful for all this newfound focus on journalism and on getting my stories published.  It’s been a pleasantly unexpected turn of events throughout my brief retirement.

6. I finally decided to approach K. about my reservations regarding the Theology group, and we wound up having a nice long conversation.   A very nice and extremely erudite man.

7. K. also assured me not to be intimidated by all these professors and people with degrees, despite my lack of a higher education.  He said I’m on the same intellectual level as most of the professors anyway.

8. Said two really great prayers while I was running.  Actually one of them was of the magnitude of the heavily answered prayer I prayed in July 2016 outside the Sequoia station.   It was the second time it’s ever happened — I don’t want to say what the content of the prayer was — but when I prayed it, the words were given me with clear conviction, and as I looked into the sky, I “felt” that those words were heard.

9. Shaun also was helpful last night in that we delineated that I prayed in anger for a certain thing to happen, and it happened, and my anger was assuaged.  Now is the time to pray in Gratitude to make good use of that which has happened, for this is the blessing of God, though I’d asked for it in anger.

10. Asking myself “what’s next?” always works, even if the answer is silence.   God is Good.

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Tuesday Tuneup 62

Q. What are you doing here?

A. Getting my bearings.

Q. What happened??

A. I stressed out at the church service, and my heart started beating out of my chest.  They kept making me do things that are really really hard for me, but that are really easy for most people, and it stressed me out.

Q. What kinds of things?

A. Oh, uh – page turns.   Fumbling with bulletin inserts.  Trying to get to the right hymn in the right hymnal at the right time.  And worst of all, we had to put these ornaments on a Christmas tree, and the hook of my ornament fell out.

Q. What happened then?

A. I went and showed the guy with the ornaments, assuming he would give me a new ornament with a more secure hook.

Q. What did he give you instead?

A. Another hook.

Q. And you weren’t able to put the new hook on the old ornament?

A. Well, I fumbled with it for long enough, and I know myself well enough, that I determined fairly quickly it would be impossible.

Q. And what did you do then?

A. I gave both ornament and unhooked hook to Amanda.

Q. Who is Amanda?

A. The person standing next to me.  She’s a speech therapist and works at a hospital, so I figured I might luck out and she might understand why it is actually impossible for me to put a hook on an ornament.  I mean, done deal.  It’s a disease.  It’s called ADHD / Dyslexia and High-Functioning Autism.

Q. What did you say to Amanda?

A. I told her it would be impossible for me to put the hook on the ornament in order to hang it on the tree.

Q. How did Amanda respond?

A. She nodded her head in compassionate understanding, then deftly placed the ornament on the tree in my stead.

Q. Were you thankful?

A. Uh — more relieved than anything else.  But now that you mention it, gratitude is certainly an appropriate response.   It’s rare that somebody believes me, in such situations.

Q. Then what did you do?

A. I sneaked out of the church, placing myself in the middle of a long line, so that no one would notice my swift departure.

Q. Why did you depart swiftly?

A. Because by that time, my heart was beating out of my chest, and I was having a major panic attack.  I mean, it was like — I was under pressure, in a line, with people waiting on me – and everybody could see that I was fumbling with the logistics of trying to get the hook on the ornament and the ornament on the tree — it was like — Mainstream Stress – the kind of stuff that made me homeless in the first place back in 2004 —

Q. Mainstream Stress?

A. Yeah.  The kind of stress you get when you’re pressured to perform under time constraints, with people observing you, and people to answer to, under deadlines —

Q. What other kind of stress is there?

street person stress.jpgA. Street Stress.  It’s a horse of a different color.   It’s the kind where you’re not under time constraints, but at the same time, you never have time to check in with yourself and feel what your actual feelings are.  You’re in a state of shock at all times, as though in a battle zone, ready for anything, at any time.  No time to feel.   Anything.   

Q. Where are you now?

A. At the local cafe.

Q. Do you plan on returning to the church?

A. Yes.  After I’m through getting my bearings.   I can make it there for the Fellowship, where my mental health condition will not be so severely challenged.

Q. May I ask two more questions?

A. One will do.  I’m running out of time.

Q. What does all this have to do with the birth of Jesus?

A. Don’t ask me, man.

Q. May I please ask the second question?

A. Shoot.

Q. Why was the church service being held on Tuesday?

A. It wasn’t.   Today is Sunday.

Q. It is?

A. I told you I was neurodivergent!   Now get outta here!  

The Questioner is silent.

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Gratitude List 1334

I make these gratitude lists every morning when I wake up, and choose one to post every Monday.   This one’s from Friday morning.  

1. I did get another hour’s sleep from 9 to 10 yesterday morning, and that saw me through the day. Then I slept very solidly from 10 pm till 4 am this morning.

2. After hearing the words of Jeremiah’s prayer in the car, I did not enter into despair after the next two mistakes I made. Because I was not despairing, I went to bed without desire to escape into the ephemeral pleasure of the sin that has troubled me so. My sleep was as though guarded by angels, my couch undefiled and sweet.

3. This morning I succeeded, as hoped, in having the synthroid with a full glass of water and avoiding the computer until the doctor’s orders regarding my hypothryoid condition were fulfilled. Didn’t have any coffee during that period of time, but prayed and read a Psalm. So I can do it, despite morning disorientation, but I think it wise not to do the reading at the computer. Also, I often have a hard time making out the small print in the hard copy RSV, but this time I read it very easily under the bright kitchen light.

4. Ran the 4 mile course yesterday as per Thanksgiving ritual. It was an absolutely gorgeous day and perfect running weather at around 40F degrees or so, blue skies, big clouds, gentle winds — I love running and am somewhat amazed it’s still even possible at my age. My mind may be in shambles and disarray, but I can be grateful my body is still in one piece.

5. Finished the Inequity Series yesterday with Part Five. If you want to check it out, here it is.   I’m proud of my work, you know, and grateful that God has provided me with a place to accomplish it. That has rarely been the case before, ever in life. Grateful for my nice, quiet apartment.

6. Really nice Thanksgiving gathering at Norman’s place (though he’s in Virginia). It was great talking with people, and especially playing the Kawai piano and singing with Chelsea. Once I was warmed up in the “second set” I did a fiery version of “We Three Kings,” and it blew me away to hear how it was happening, even though my thoughts were riddled with paranoias about gang bangers and other murderers all the way through the event. Then we sang Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah” and it was plaintive, peaceful, powerful . . . I love the whole musical consciousness in this town, and Chelsea invited me over to her place tonight at 7 for a big jam.

7. Resigned one of my writing gigs due to a combination of PTSD and a revelation of practical wisdom. I know it’s the right choice, I worked through all the logic of it, and I committed myself on the run to do it, despite later conversations of confirmation. I felt a great peace in my spirit after submitting my resignation, and I remain thankful for the editor-in-chief of that paper, with whom I hope to work in the future.

8. Thankful for Jeremiah, for the fellowship and prayers last night, and for my Presbyterian church.

9. I need to express that the Revised Standard rocks. I turned to Psalm 55, and in the RSV every word was the exact cry of my heart. Turned to Psalm 55 in the Berean Study Bible – nothing. Checked the English Standard Version, thinking at least it would be authentic — still nothing. Confusion of the tongues, man! I’m posting Psalm 55 RSV on Sunday.  I know no one else can get inside my head, but reading every word and praying it confirmed God’s love for me at a very troubled time.

10. God is Love.

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The Homeless Inequities

Happy Thanksgiving — to those to whom it applies.   Here’s a little talk I created yesterday.  It’s about twenty-five minutes long, explaining how my recent “Inequity Series” came about, what it means, and what we probably should be doing about it.  I’d be happy if you gave it a listen.

The Homeless Inequities 

We who live indoors have a lot to be thankful for.  I say, let’s give a “hand up” to those who could use it.  God bless you — and God bless America.

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Gratitude List 1329

1. Sleep was unusually sound between about 11 & 5, six hours. I already feel better than I did at any point yesterday. Thankful for the power of a good night’s sleep.

2. Made it through the day yesterday without having to spend any of my daily $6 allowance. So today I have $12 to work with. I’ve noticed that the process of diligently budgeting very small amounts of money is joyful. When I succeed at creating a reasonable way to use the small amount, and when I succeed at adhering to that plan, I receive a sense of peace in my spirit.

3. Thankful for my friend Danielle. I just got a little frustrated when once again I couldn’t find my beanie.  After an anxious, futile search for it, I called and asked her to pray I would find it, then found it five seconds later underneath a towel on the bathroom floor.

4. Having made the decision to confine my involvement with the Center to three hours of volunteering on Tuesdays and a single recovery meeting on Fridays, I’m taking joy in seeking more order in my world. 

5. Had an idea for me and Paul to do an All Christmas show, and improvise Christmas tunes over long jams, and make it a sing-a-long when we get back to the “A” part, and have Dave do the sound, kinda like the All Beatles show we did last summer. Everybody thought it was a great idea, and we’re setting it up for some night in December.

6. Having been asked to write commentary for this news site, I got a great start on my first story over the weekend. Looking forward to turning in a draft today or tomorrow.

7. Meditated for twenty minutes last night. This is the first time I’ve gone three days in a row. Next step is to have the meditation occur at a regular time of the day.

8. Am coming up with other techniques to make my life less erratic and easier on the people around me. One is that I removed a few people from my phone contacts — not that I don’t want to have contact with them, but that I have a tendency to contact them impulsively. Now, I will have to look up their phone numbers, and in the time it takes to do that, I often realize that my call would have been an “impulse buzz,” possibly disturbing on the other end. 

9. Got to talk with my friend Holly from California last night, and we’re going to make this a regular Sunday night thing. Also looking forward to talking with Nick at noon (also in California).  Thankful for long-term, good friends in this life, and for the sudden inspiration to do the song California Dreamin’ for my Friday piano post.

10. Today’s my day to run. Having gotten back into it, I’ve run every other day for the past eight days. Have done 4 miles, 2 1/2 miles, 3 miles and 3 miles, in that order. Haven’t been uptight when running either. Thankful that at my age, I still have two strong legs and a good set of lungs.  God is Good.

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Gratitude List 1321

(1) It’s another new day full of unique hope and promise, even if I didn’t sleep a wink last night.   God’s morning is still made up of beauty and full of wonder.

(2) My friend Holly called from California, and we had a nice catch-up.  I like Sunday evening conversations, and I think we might make it a regular thing.

(3) On Saturday I had an amazing four mile run out of the blue, though I’d not run for three weeks.  Thankful for the gift of long distance running.   It’s a large part of the reason why I’m still alive.

(4) I was kinda down last night when I suddenly got an email from a retired columnist whom I’ve known for many years, someone whom I admire.  We shared ideas as to what to do with our respective retirements.  It was lovely, and my spirits were lifted thereafter.

(5) By the way, I’m retired now.   I was “disabled” and deemed “legally incompetent” for a few years prior to my 66th birthday; but once I turned 66, I got a letter saying I was now “retired” and could therefore work all I want.  Nice to know that my entire incompetence vanished overnight.  (I even got twenty five more bucks a month out of the deal.)

(6) To each their own.  Some people take the pills.   Some people run the miles.   I prefer the latter myself.   Neurodivergent and PROUD.  

(7) You wanna see my antidepressant of choice?  Voilà :

Capture.JPG

(8) On suspicion I might have morphed into an Extrovert, I took a personality test that showed these results:

Introvert    38%       Moderate preference of Introversion over Extraversion
iNtuitive     22%       Slight preference of Intuition over Sensing
Feeling        34%       Moderate preference of Feeling over Thinking
Judging       9%         Slight preference of Judging over Perceiving

Looks like I’m coming out of my shell a little bit, and I’m glad.  I can be a social butterfly for a season before I give up and climb back into it.  

(9) I keep noticing that wonderful things tend to happen unexpectedly whenever my mind takes me to a new low.   

(10) For all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.   There’s a lot of wonder out there — we just need to look for it in the right places.  God is Wonderful.

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Gratitude List 1315

This one’s from Sunday morning.  

1. Slept from 630-930 and then from about 11-5.  Rested and energetic.

2. Beautiful weather on the walk to and from the store — this would be a perfect morning to start running again.

3. Thoughts in my morning reflections today have been distinctly more constructive than usual.  Prayers seemed newer, and more to the immediate point.

4. Felt much gratitude last night when, having neglected to eat during the day since the 4am burrito, I found that I still had 5 cents in my account after I bought two Top Ramens at the Sunset Market.   Later I was even more richly rewarded when I found forgotten salami in the fridge as well as some spaghetti in the cupboard.

Perspective-2

5.
 Found the above image and had a hunch it would make a good desktop background.   Yes it does, if you can picture it, my icons all being arranged in the upper left, with the telescope searching in that direction.  But even more so, I get a sudden sense of peace every time I clear my browser windows.    I clear all the windows periodically at moments when the computer stress has reached an uneasy peak, and it’s nice to see it all be replaced by a spiritual image that has  such a nice contemplative feel to it.   It has the overall effect of easing my computer-related nervous tension.

6. Overcame a morning mood yesterday that was bitterly despairing, and realized in so doing how much of it was computer-connected.  Once I left the device, I smelled the roses.

7. Had a nice time visiting with Patty and her son Jesse, who have an apartment up the hill to the West of here, more like a house, rented from my same landlord, but in a much more secluded, forested area.  If I were to get a place in that area, it would have a real appeal in terms of separation, and the walk would still be good into town and campus.

8. Should be able to make it to Bible Project at 9:30 and still get to Jodie’s church by 10:45 to play piano at 11.

9. Just now ran/walked 2 miles, first run in a few weeks.

10. God is Good.

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Gratitude List 1310

This one’s from last Thursday morning, Halloween in fact.  

1. Slept five surprisingly solid hours between midnight and 5 am, was surprised it was already 5 when I first woke.

2. Took a long hot shower before bed. It still blows my mind how I’m able to do that now, without having to interact with multiple other men, many of whom have been suspicious characters. I still remember my friend George getting his Ibanez custom ripped off during the 5 minutes he was taking a shower at Multi Agency Service Center. Thankful those days are gone.

3. Meditation service was nice. It was gentle. Thomas mentioned liking the Prelude. I didn’t think I was playing very well, but sometimes that’s the best.

4. Did the door last night and got a $20 gift card to use at the cafe. Just used $5.50 of it on a doppio and blueberry muffin. Breakfast at the Courtyard is now obviated, and money saved.

5. The singer-songwriter, Julien Kozak, was also gentle. Very good guitarist and singer, reminiscent of James Taylor. Stopped on his way to Seattle. I am reminded of a gentle period in the 80’s when I used to tour different cafes in the Bay Area. Makes me want to do a tour.

6. You know, I have a really good church now. I’ve been at the same church for over 3 years. This is unusual, in my experience.  My church is a gift from God.

7. Got to talk with Danielle first thing in the morning, and we had a great conversation. There were so many spiritual insights, I was taking notes, and just finished writing down a whole bunch of stuff in my journal, lest I forget.

8. Not having heard from her for a while, I just got a substantial email from Lynne that looks very supportive and insightful. I skimmed it by reading the topic sentences of several paragraphs and am eager to see what all she has to say.

9. Had a nice conversation with Vern yesterday — not Vern the bus driver, but Vern the trumpet player. I’m grateful to be living in a town where everybody knows me as Andy, and where, whether it’s Vern the bus driver, Vern the trumpet player, or anybody else, Andy is ALL RIGHT.

10. God is Love.

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Gratitude List 1307

1. Slept from about midnight till 7, pretty solidly.

2. I’ve noticed I haven’t been spacing things out lately gathering my stuff up to leave the house.   Also, always remembering to deal first with the power cord, I haven’t been leaving it at home lately, or elsewhere around town.   Grateful for this, and also for that I live in this present town, where absent-mindedness is not generally met with theft, as it was in so many other places where I’ve lived.  

3. Just read all of Proverbs 28.  Noticed I wasn’t resistant to reading first, as is often the case in the morning (when, as yesterday, I just want to start writing right away).   28:1 is one of my favorites and one of the few I have memorized.   I noticed 28:13 as applying to me recently.

4. I wasn’t angry when I awoke this morning, unlike yesterday.   I also had no problem not going to the computer right off the bat, but very methodically packed up all my things.

5. Finished the Vocal Score last night and did touch-ups on the script.   Should be submitted for registration with the Copyright Office by this afternoon.   I feel released of this burden — enough is enough.   Besides, what did Leonardo say?

Davinci Quotes On Art. QuotesGram

6. Very thankful to have finally “abandoned” my Art.

7. The thought that arose me out of bed this morning was that of journalism, and how it’s a bright new field in a bright new life.   Then, when I got to the cafe, I opened my email to a note from Tracy Simmons, who has put up my bio and picture on her news site, right at the top of her list.  (Now all I have to do is write something.)

8. Morning coffee is waking me well.

9. Grateful for my ongoing physical health and fitness, thus far.

10. It’s a beautiful brisk morning in the town where I was born.   God is Good.

 

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Gratitude List 1295

This one’s from yesterday afternoon, immediately after waking up from a kick-ass nap.

1. Slept another 2 1/2 hours between 1:45 pm & 4:15.   (Not sure if I mentioned, but I took a 2-3 hr nap yesterday as well, after the 8 hours of sleep already).

2. Sleeping a lot lately is indicative of beginning a New Season in Life.    Gotta get a Good Night’s Sleep before starting the New Day.

3. I don’t think meeting Tracy Simmons at a U.I. event last week was a chance encounter.  She wrote saying my web site was “impressive” and asked me to submit some samples of my columns for consideration for her independent news site.  I also read her story in the Wall Street Journal.    I agree with her completely: the key to restoration is embracing, not forgetting, the past.     

4. Proverbs 25:28.   Wisdom.

5. Meaningful vivid dreams.

6. I got this huge rush of freedom-intertwined-with-privacy as soon as I walked through the front door this afternoon and thereafter flopped down exhausted.  It had happened so many times when I lived outdoors and was lucky enough to get a hotel room for a night, how could I forget the hugeness of the double blessing?  It’s not to be abused.  It’s my castle, and I shall build a moat around it.

7. Tom R. let me have his Mortimer Adler book Ten Philosophical Mistakes to use for Norman’s philosophy class.   Looking at it now, bringing back memories.

8. Did the whole wash yesterday.

9. Sold an Abandon CD to Ed S.

10. This coffee is great.   Running four miles now.   

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Gratitude List 1289

1. Slept almost all day yesterday being sick. Awoke to Danielle’s call in the morning, and have noticed that I have much more functional energy today in general. This too has passed.

2. Am here at the local cafe, slowly getting oriented at the round table.

3. There’s the feel of a new day with new hope and promise.

4. Read Proverbs 7 and all of Titus. Stuff in Titus stood out for me, bearing further consideration.

5. Heard from Jeff X on Shenandoah.

6. Echo helped so much when I was sick, made food, gave me water and tea and ibuprofen. It’s nice to have her around the house, and my heart is warmed for her being here.

7. Helped to talk with Danielle.

8. Echo should get paid today for her job at the brewery.

9. I think I’m awake enough spiritually that I can get into my work now. The work is not the most important thing, and when I think that way, I begin to err.

10. His blessings are new every morning. Great is His faithfulness.

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Gratitude List 1282

1. Finished the 4th draft of Eden in Babylon yesterday.

2. Feeling relaxed and relieved as a result of #1.   The hard part’s over, now I get to go to the fun part.

3. Slept 4 1/2 hrs between 10:30 & 3, and another hour between 7 & 8.  Got a couple good naps in yesterday, and so I feel rested.

4. Choir will sing “Come Thou Fount” today, in that reverent arrangement.

5. Meditating around the toothache mindfully is decreasing the dread of pain.

6. Was able to find Draino for the kitchen sink.

7. Saw some nice snowflakes when I rose early and walked to and from the Sunset Market.

8. Alastair and I sure get along.  It’s always a joy to work with her.  Maybe she can help me create a more appropriate signature.   Also, I get the feeling Homeless No More will be syndicated, when the time is right.

9. Happy and thankful over the way the last scene came together, almost magically, as well as the new opening & closing number.   I’m blessed.

10. My daughter is here now, and God is Good.

 

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Gratitude List 1270

My gratitude list from Friday.

1. Ran 4 miles at a decent clip.  Enjoyed it.  

2. Ran into Dave on the run, he paced me for about 100 yards.  Kept a picked up pace after that.

3. Every vibe from every person on that course, largely through campus, was positive and supportive.

4. I can walk along the right paths in the goodness of this town, and avoid slippery places.   This city is a special place and truly can be sweet.

5. By-passed the local predators.

6. Made $23 on CD sales last night, and got $16 worth of stuff at the Dollar Store.

7. My daughter Echo & I are communicating really well and getting along great.  It is wonderful having her here.

8. While praying & reflecting on the walk to the Dollar Store, I forgave a lady I was mad at, let’s call her Karen (not her name).

9. Heard somebody shout “Hi Andy!” and it was that lady on her bicycle.   I shouted: “Hi Karen!  God bless you!”  She shouted back: “God bless you!”

10. God is Love.

 

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Gratitude List 1264

1. Slept six hours last night between 8pm and 2am. Also got an hour nap yesterday afternoon between 12:30 & 1:30.

2. Ran three miles yesterday morning. I see no reason not to run a couple miles or more this morning, with better form.

3. Was in a good mood during the gig at Jodie’s church, played “Be Thou My Vision,” and got a lot out of the sermon.

4. Jodie paid me $50 in cash. Now I can pay the phone bill.

5. Just noticed it was Proverbs 16 this morning, my favorite chapter in Proverbs. Just looked at 16:7, my favorite verse in Proverbs, and it applies.

6. Good Grapevine meeting last night, sat between two members whom I like who shall remain anonymous, and talked afterward to a member of the clergy who shall remain anonymous. It was a lot like an Al-Anon meeting, and I needed that. Gained from it.

7. Ran into J. drinking at an outdoor establishment taking with D., and tried to avoid them so as to continue doing all the creative work that I typically do “in my head” while briskly walking.  But then, when J. hailed me, I succeeded in not responding with annoyance, as though it were an impolite intrusion.  Rather, I managed to be cordial and smiling with both of them, though still successfully conveying that I had work to do, and managing a getaway without appearing hostile.  For me, this is a breakthrough.  I hate it when people interrupt my work, and it’s been frustrating trying to explain to non-autistic sorts that most of my work is done invisibly in my head.

8. Was praying that somebody would let go, when it came to me that I was the one who needed to let go.

9. I have discovered a truly marvelous resolution to the last Scene in Eden in Babylon, which unfortunately this margin is too narrow to hold.

10. I so love the “absolutely quiet hours.” Can’t wait to finish my reading — and write. God is Good.

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Gratitude List 1253

1. Slept about 5 hrs — an hour and a half from 10:30 till midnight, and then another 3 1/2 from 2:30 till 6. Grateful to have fulfilled the requirement.

2. Ran only 2 miles at a snail’s pace, neither for speed, distance, or tempo. It was a good warm-up for the Big Five tomorrow morning, hopefully combining all three.

3. Very nice talk with my friend Holly last night. She’s doing well, house-sitting in Grass Valley on a large acreage with swimming pool.

4. Sold another $45 worth of Abandon albums on Bandcamp yesterday, in addition to the $30 I made in hard copy CD sales. So, a $75 day yesterday, once all proceeds manifest.

5. Saw an amazingly gorgeous sunset walking home from the cafe last night. I took it to mean that the sun is setting beautifully on a newly completed stage of my life.

6. Set up Discord to chat with Emily, and fixed Google Hangouts. Had a great talk with my daughter on Hangouts & squared some things away.

7. Remembered something about the psychic stage where I get onto the massive creative roll (which I call “Stage Three.”)  It’s not good to let the high creative flow be interrupted, because it can transform the passion to total frustration and irritation, if not outright outrage. Next time I’ll remember.

8. The September Street Spirit is the best since Alastair took over, and my column the best of the three.   Expect a pertinent blog post on Thursday.

9. Looking forward to good work on the 4th draft today and to playing piano at 4pm at the hospital.

10. The upstairs section of the cafe, where nobody from next door is likely to find me, and the Muses hover almost visibly over my comfortable creative chair.  God is Good.

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Gratitude List 1244

Happy Labor Day.  Here’s my gratitude list from Saturday morning.   I’ll be posting three music clips and one announcement, all three hours apart, throughout the day.  Hope it all finds you blessed.    

1. Slept solidly for nine hours between 10 & 7, no sleeping pill being needed, and no sleep paralysis.

2. Observing the Sabbath, mostly reading.  Grateful for quietude.

3. Grateful for my apartment, for its “out of the way” location, for my new incentive to keep it tidy, and for my positive relationship with the landlord.

4. Glad I’m not in the awful space I was in two days ago, and grateful for the lesson of just how far into spiritual darkness the “obsession of the mind” can lead me.

5. Grateful for Matt, one of the better sponsors I’ve had.

6. First thing I read this morning was an unusually good “Got Questions” article.   It started the mind off thinking the right way on the Sabbath Day.

7. Grateful for the Day of Rest and for the knowledge that once the sun goes down, I can start working again.

8. Glad I have a computer expert for a sponsor.  Matt helped me to get the CD’s burnt correctly with a new and better CD burner.   Also installed a better free media player.

9. Open Mike was a gentle experience last night.   Grateful for my positive relationship with Dave Harlan.  I played three pieces of “improvised classical” and was able to sell three CD’s.

10. Breakfast at Courtyard in 40 minutes, Farmer’s Market thereafter.  Somebody called this place “The Town Time Forgot.”  God is Love.

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Gratitude List 1239

(1) Slept seven hours from 11 to 6, solid rem sleep with vivid dreams.  Grateful for the comfortable couch on which I sleep, and its proximity to my computer and my piano.

(2) The house is so much brighter now that I have a decent male roommate.   Joey used to own and manage a cleaning company, plus he was a line cook and a prep cook.   I gave him the spare room, and we agreed he only has to pay 1/3 the rent, in exchange for keeping the kitchen and the bathroom clean.

(3) Church was great yesterday morning.  “Whatsoever you do to the least of my brethren, you do also to Me.”  I also got to tell them that my prayer was answered, for a housemate who could help around the house.

(4) Inspired by Joey’s tidiness, I organized my whole desk, and things are much easier to find.  For $1 at the dollar store, I got a white wide-ruled legal pad, taped it to the desk to the right of the computer and have four pens sitting right there.  (Now I don’t have to keep looking for paper and pens every time I want to write something down).  There’s still room to work the mouse to the right of the pad.   Starting to make lists — it all seems so easy now — compared to how hard it was just a few short days ago.

(5) Finally got some 175 readers to replace the 250’s that were way too strong, and now I don’t have to keep taking my glasses on and off.   They look nice too, all black and sharp.  That dollar store is a really good deal.

(6) Somebody canceled, and it looks like I’m playing solo this Thursday at the One World Cafe.  Might as well put up flyers — shoot for the moon.

(7) Putting on the finishing touches the worship song I’ve been writing, called “I Want to Worship You.”   I believe I’ve received it.  Also heard back about this from my old Internet buddy, Jeff, a worship leader type in Texas with a great devotional blog.

(8) Joey and I have a lot in common, and I asked if I could interview him for an upcoming Wednesday talk.

(9) When I was cleaning the living room and dining room, I found two Exile covers and three Pinnacle covers, amid all the Interim covers I already knew were there.   So I burned five new CD’s to add to the two Abstraction CD’s remaining in my inventory.  Hoping to sell all seven of them soon.

(10) Just ran two miles, nice new course along Paradise Path.  I am truly blessed in my life these days.  God is Love.

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Gratitude List 1229

(1) Though I only got about an hour and a half of sleep before I woke up and couldn’t get back to sleep, I’m still very thankful that it’s been seven days now and I’ve not gone into sleep paralysis.

(2) I was able to get a large tube of toothpaste and a bottle of shampoo for free at the Co-Op in the box of things they take to the Food Bank.   Also, I found a brand new toothbrush in my backpack that I’d forgotten about.

(3) Really looking forward to calling my friend Danielle, and to talking with her for 45 minutes between 4:45 and 5:30.  I’ve missed the last four times due to sleeping in, and it’s left a bit of a void.  I very much gain from this early morning fellowship.  It’s been a tradition now for a long time.

(4) My daughter has connected with a writing coach whom I regard very highly, Lauren Sapala, and Lauren has promised to read a book she has written, called Secrets Held Too Tight to Keep.  

(5) As of this morning, I believe my unhealthy attitudes toward money are being healed.

(6) For the second time this year, just when I ran out of reading glasses, I found a nice pair of dollar readers sitting on a bench, and they suit me perfectly.   

(7) I was able to cry during the church service, though not a whole lot.  Still, it’s a start.  I hardly ever cry, but the times when I’ve gotten in touch with the deeper feelings, I’ve cried in torrents.   It’s always cleansing when I do, and it helps me to move forward once again.

(8) I’ll probably have two new piano pieces for you later on in the week, as soon as I get them off of that guy’s smartphone and upload them onto my youtube channel.  I recall they both came out very nicely.

(9) Letting go off the past has always been very difficult for me.   But it’s become clear that I really need to count my blessings and look forward.   That said, there are some pretty substantial potential blog posts hidden in some of the very long emails I have sent to those who have ceased to contact me.   The words I wrote are still valuable.  I only wrote them to the wrong people.

(10) Training for window washing at 6am, should make some money in cash before 9am, when I have to go to the hospital and finalize my volunteer position.  The volunteer position, by the way, is that I will now be playing piano regularly at the entrance to the Courtyard Cafe — in the hospital where I was born.   Stranger things have happened!  And the Lord Himself moves in strange and mysterious ways.

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Gratitude List 1221

1. Slept well, got up at 4:00 am exactly.

2. Daily money manifested at around that time, and this time I was able to hold off on coffee till I got to the Courtyard (where the coffee is free).

3. Nice breakfast at Courtyard. First time in weeks I’ve been able to finish the whole breakfast.

4. Weight was up two pounds at the doctor, which is okay, as I had been losing rapidly. Heart still 56, blood pressure 108/60, temp 97.2. Finally, after three years, all vital signs are down to what they usually were in Berkeley.

5. Doc prescribed Trazodone for insomnia and (hopefully) sleep paralysis.  My daughter says it’s effective, and it appears it may be the lesser of evils. I was honest with the doctor about use of benzos and cannabis, past and present, respectively.  Well — I’m not convinced how much of the solution can possibly lie in the medical realm, but I’m grateful I made it to the appointment anyway, like a responsible human being.

6. Worked the door again last night, great young band from Vancouver, fresh out of high school, advanced garage band style. Brandy gave me a $40 gift card.

7. Nice weather this morning 69F degrees, breezy, conducive to brisk exercise.

8. Nice talk with my friend Kent this morning.

9. Made another speech, again spontaneously, though this one has some undeveloped themes and must be re-done.  I’m calling it “The Perception of Inequality.”  I posted it here before deciding it falls too far short of my artistic standards on too many levels for it to be live in its current state.   So I have pulled it until it has been rightly adjusted.   I took eight lengthy notes for an expanded revision, and am hoping to post the updated version on Wednesday morning.

10. Though still hung up on “Oracle,” the vocal score revisions are proceeding aright. I feel on track with all my homework, actually, if for no other reason than that I no longer shun or shirk the task. It helps to enjoy what you’re doing. God is Good.

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Gratitude List 1220

1. Slept again about six hours from around 10 till 4:15.

2. Perfect running weather 61F and foggy.

3. Spent a while at LRC yesterday – I enjoyed talking with Cindy, Scott, Shaun & Amber. They’re doing some good expansion of the place, creating a Crisis Center next door where the barber shop used to be, of which Shaun is in charge.

4. Farmer’s Market this morning.

5. Working the door tomorrow night, will get a $30 gift card.

6. I spontaneously gave a sixteen-minute talk yesterday called It Can’t Be Forgotten. Did it in a single take and two quick edits, hope you enjoy it.

7. Got a chance to talk with Alex last night, good long talk.

8. It’s beginning to look like my daughter will be here soon.

9. Finished past No. 6 in the revised vocal score. Should have Act One done very soon.

10. Sky’s getting light, love this time of the morning. God is Good.

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Gratitude List 1195

1. Slept from 9-2a, and again from about 4-8. Am feeling rested.

2. Nice breakfast, Courtyard Cafe, price has gone up to 3.19 with tax now. Two nice cups of Pikes Peak coffee.

3. Beautiful Idaho summer morning.

4. Doppio, quiet cafe, new table, new friends.

5. Record 98 views on Eden in Babylon yesterday:

6. We got at least three good clips from the show Friday night, although they were all early in the night, and we were just beginning to get warmed up by Eleanor Rigby, which was the end of the first set. Nothing from the second set unfortunately, but still a memento of a beautiful evening, for which to give thanks.

7. My daughter should be up soon and we will probably enjoy a nice conversation.

8. Played at the United Church yesterday. Was able to do the Canticle of the Turning and was blessed; I believe others were blessed as well.   Enjoyed the sermon, too, about the Good Samaritan.  

9. Enjoyed playing at the nursing homes again yesterday afternoon.

10. God is Good.

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Gratitude List 1192

1. Went to bed early (seven or so) and slept well — possibly too well — till about 4:45am. Was definitely up & about after that. Grateful to have gotten up early, and felt early morning wakefulness and light spirits.

2. Strongly sensing that a lengthy period of isolation and extremely low self-regard has come to an end.

3. Courtyard Cafe, nice Starbucks coffee. Had a large “tastes like morning” from the Sunset, too, which discouraged going back to bed and pulling the covers over my head again, like a slacker.

4. Phone is working again, though dimly. Thinking of the need for a new phone, I also can’t help but think how I actually have held on to this Samsung, ever since it was awkwardly gifted to me, and have not hurled it to the ground in order to stomp it to bits. So a new phone is not out of the question, as it once would have been.

5. Nice of the pastor Jodie to think of me for a 10am Sunday piano playing engagement of some sort; however, I also told her to give me a day to think about it, as I am unaccustomed to people asking me to play piano during the period of a church service. Still, nice of her to think of me; and I noticed I got on with her very well at Theology on Tap.

6. Grateful for the positive spirit of acceptance and belonging that pervades the community wherein I dwell.  The strong sense of community here is a big deterrent to my tendency to want to isolate myself more deeply.

7. Grateful for some of the things I learned on the streets, though others must be shed. Thankful for developing discernment, to absorb what’s of value and discard the rest.

8. Though I’ve not been feeling entirely good about the communication to Dave that prompted the recent suspension of operations, I’ve not until this morning known exactly what it is about it that wasn’t exactly right. Now I see it, and I see that healing is possible.

9. Great that Kathy printed a new vocal score (sans opening & closing numbers) consisting of the most recent pdf files of all the individual numbers, pagination removed, per my request. This can’t help but be useful. Probably there will still be typos on certain pages, but those individual pages can be readily replaced and rebound. And then, the full body of the score will inform my opening and closing enhancements. Also great that she did new covers for the Pinnacle remakes, for I have brought five of them with me, plus two Exiles.

10. Got the interview down to shortly over one hour and posted it here. Information as to actual dates for the reading is no longer factual, but I just posted a disclaimer along with it. The thing is, I know to take the time to do all my particular homework before we reconvene.

And for that, the Howard piano is very strong for the kind of unique syncopation that characterizes the “Sirens” number I am trying to squeeze into Eden in Babylon in place of both versions of “Intervention.” The Baldwin grand can’t even accommodate any of those subtle accents and other distinct articulations. Finale software can pretty much replicate them, but the light action on the grand opposes them. Another good case for hanging on to the Howard.

It was good to get some of J’s things transferred as well. Maybe by now the Harvard Classics have been sent down. But still, my place of residence is dark and dingy and destitute. I’ve had to defer to the excellence of the Howard piano not to wish to succumb to a lingering urge to chop it into firewood. I sometimes wish I were just sleeping outdoors somewhere, and that I just didn’t have to mess with any of this burdensome household garbage. But I guess that’s just my stuff. God is Good.

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A little bit goes a long, long way.  

 

Gratitude List 1188

My list from yesterday afternoon, just after waking from a nap, slightly edited.

1. Got a 2 hour nap from about 2-4. I believe I am now fully rested, and I’m more relaxed as well, having only gotten about 4 hours of sleep last night.

2. I wound up strapped at the end of the month, but somebody who wanted a Pinnacle CD handed me a ten dollar bill at church this morning.   I haven’t spent any of it, and now I can get through the rest of the month till my check comes on Tuesday.

3. When I left the studio yesterday, there was more peace in my spirit than I have known since the day I left Dan’s office after playing through the Eden in Babylon score. Grateful for that rare but blissful sense of comfort and peace.

4. At the Courtyard before the radio show, quickly grabbing a bite to eat, I was so scattered I could not pray, but to ask God that a believer would appear between there and the station, so that maybe that person could pray instead. I then walked out the door, and the first person I saw was Amanda from my church, who agreed to pray for me. Grateful that God had my back.

5. After that, the radio show proceeded almost supernaturally well. It was a surprise to have received the sudden opportunity, and an even bigger surprise how well it went. Grateful for surprises such as these.

6. Though the show on this link is three hours long (without option to rewind or fast-forward), I am now in possession of a 250mb mp3 containing the entire three hour experience. Grateful for the opportunity to trim it down to one hour, and post it on my blog and on social media.

7. Grateful for having met Big Al in the first place and shot the breeze with him at the Round Table. When I saw him today, he said he wanted to do it again sometime.

8. Really grateful for my church, for more than two reasons. But here are two, among many: (1) the sensible spirit there is balancing out my tendency to make choices on impulse, rather than by sound reason; (2) the emphasis on surrendering things that are beyond my control is balancing out my tendency to want to take the reins, take charge, and in some cases, take vengeance.

9. Grateful for the Freudian slip in Friday’s texting with Norman. Well, “Freudian slip” is a slight misnomer, because it only involved hitting a “c” instead of a “v” on the smartphone keyboard. So the intended expression, “I’ll probably take it to the grave” (with respect to my ongoing resentment against a certain individual), was transformed to “I’ll probably take it to the grace.” This resulted in reflection. It is through grace that God is not punishing me for the full extent of my offences against Him. Therefore, who am I to punish anyone for their offences against me? To whatever extent I forgive those who have wronged me, to that same extent do I walk in the forgiveness of Christ.

10. My daughter has grown into an outstanding human being, and has made her father’s heart glad. God is Good.

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A little bit goes a long, long way.