The Noise of the Enemy

I’m posting this psalm for a reason I would be remiss not to state. My PTSD was triggered shortly before Thanksgiving Dinner, and I spent the entire dinner and evening thereafter processing frightening thoughts related to traumas past. In the morning, I was still troubled. Then I opened my Bible to this Psalm, and found that the Psalmist was troubled in the exact same way that I was. So his words became my words, and I was given new hope.

Give ear to my prayer, O God;
and hide not thyself from my supplication!
Attend to me, and answer me;
    I am overcome by my trouble.
I am distraught by the noise of the enemy,
    because of the oppression of the wicked.
For they bring trouble upon me,
    and in anger they cherish enmity against me.

My heart is in anguish within me,
    the terrors of death have fallen upon me.
Fear and trembling come upon me,
    and horror overwhelms me.
And I say, “O that I had wings like a dove!
    I would fly away and be at rest;
yea, I would wander afar,
    I would lodge in the wilderness,
I would haste to find me a shelter
    from the raging wind and tempest.”

Destroy their plans, O Lord, confuse their tongues;
    for I see violence and strife in the city.
Day and night they go around it
    on its walls;
and mischief and trouble are within it,
ruin is in its midst;
oppression and fraud
    do not depart from its market place.

It is not an enemy who taunts me—
    then I could bear it;
it is not an adversary who deals insolently with me—
    then I could hide from him.
But it is you, my equal,
    my companion, my familiar friend.
We used to hold sweet converse together;
    within God’s house we walked in fellowship.
Let death come upon them;
    let them go down to Sheol alive;
    let them go away in terror into their graves.

But I call upon God;
    and the Lord will save me.
Evening and morning and at noon
    I utter my complaint and moan,
    and he will hear my voice.
He will deliver my soul in safety
    from the battle that I wage,
    for many are arrayed against me.
God will give ear, and humble them,
    he who is enthroned from of old;
because they keep no law,
    and do not fear God.

My companion stretched out his hand against his friends,
    he violated his covenant.
His speech was smoother than butter,
    yet war was in his heart;
his words were softer than oil,
    yet they were drawn swords.

Cast your burden on the Lord,
    and he will sustain you;
he will never permit
    the righteous to be moved.

But thou, O God, wilt cast them down
    into the lowest pit;
men of blood and treachery
    shall not live out half their days.
But I will trust in thee.

  –-Psalm 55

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Gratitude List 1138

This week’s gratitude list is fetched from Tuesday, six days ago, April 16th.

1. Finally waking up.

2. Slept a solid six hours from 11pm to 5am.

3. On #1, in this case, the doppio is what it took.  I must have slept very deeply, because I honestly wasn’t fully alert till 4 1/2 hours after awakening. This is a good thing — I’m likely to be energetic and focused throughout the day ahead.

4. Ran into Jim the Janitor who bought me breakfast, and had a wonderful conversation with him at the Courtyard.

5. Putting out fires already — the leading role issue, the audition form issue — but at least there are fires to be put out. For a long time, everything was a deluge, and nothing ever caught afire.

6. This is the perfect day for Proverbs 16. It’s my favorite chapter in all of the Proverbs of Solomon.  In fact, 16:1 has already bombarded me.

7. As of yesterday. I can see the light at the end of the current tunnel. I don’t feel “submerged” in the work anymore. I feel on top of it, like I can breathe again, and it’s all good.

8. It feels as sad as it does good, but a friend I made at the Center has told me that I am the only true friend that she has right now, and the only person in her life whom she feels she can completely trust.

9. Heard from Kent, and from Holly. Both sounded upbeat & positive. Just had a lengthy convo with Kent (post-doppio) and am happy for our longstanding, mostly mutually beneficial friendship.

10. All systems go. Excelsior.

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Moment of Turning

All nations surrounded me.
In the name of the Lord, I cut them off.
They surrounded me — surrounded me on every side.
In the name of the Lord, I cut them off.
They surrounded me like bees.
They blazed like a fire of thorns.
In the name of the Lord, I cut them off.
I was pushed hard;
I was falling,
But the Lord helped me.
The Lord is my strength and my song —
And He has become my salvation.

Psalm 118:10-14 RSV

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The Temple of God

The priests then withdrew from the Holy Place.
All the priests who were there had consecrated themselves,
regardless of their divisions. 
All the Levites who were musicians—
Asaph, Heman, Jeduthun and their sons and relatives—
stood on the east side of the altar,
dressed in fine linen
and playing cymbals, harps and lyres.
They were accompanied by 120 priests sounding trumpets. 
The trumpeters and musicians joined in unison
to give praise and thanks to the Lord.
Accompanied by trumpets, cymbals and other instruments, 
the singers raised their voices in praise to the Lord and sang:
“He is good! his love endures forever!”
Then the temple of the Lord was filled with the cloud, 
and the priests could not perform their service because of the cloud, 
for the glory of the Lord filled the Temple of God.

2 Chronicles 5:11-14

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Gratitude List 692

1. Man, this Seattle’s Best Coffee is good.

2. I have three pairs of shoes today: snow boots, running shoes w/spikes, and regular dark walking shoes. There was a time when I couldn’t possibly manage more than one pair of shoes, and in fact had to sleep with them on every night, for fear they wouldn’t be there in the morning if I took them off.

3. I have seven pairs of thick winter socks now – one for each day of the week. There was a time when I had to line up every Monday morning outside of Elmer’s Van and compete with a bunch of other homeless cats for a single pair of socks that had to last me an entire week.

4. Whenever I wake up lamenting a “luxury problem,” (i.e., that I crashed out at 8:30 last night and woke up at 12:30 am after only four hours sleep), I need only remember a certain night of waking up at 12:30 am to the sight of a young man who had earlier stolen my brand new HP laptop while his partner pistol-whipped me. At 12:30 am on that particular dark and stormy night, the young thug rousted me out of my sleep to insist that I join him with two crack whores in a hotel room, in order to play five long chess games in a row.  My point? At least I have a roof over my head, and total privacy — and when I wake up at 12:30 am, that rapscallion and his two rather unappealing crack whores are nowhere in sight. I’ve got it good today, believe me.

5. Seems to me I can probably get a piano lounge job of some kind if I can ever figure out how to get to the nearest such dive and back without a car (approximately one hundred miles North of  here), or else work out a way to take a bus and somehow not lose money on the gig renting a hotel room.  (Hint hint hint.) 

6. Thank God for this page. That man’s counsel helped me to solve the biggest barrier I was having toward cultivating a healthy recovery, and a much much healthier life.

7. Had a really wonderful time with my pastor and his wife, family and friends yesterday out at the farm. Recorded three tunes on the Kawai upright, and uploaded one of them to my you tube channel.

8. Great long talk with Nick yesterday.

9. Romans Chapter Twelve, especially the closing verses — what an inspiration.

10. Using the wee hours to compile my character breakdown for the workshop, per Ms. O’s request. Moreover, I’m working on them in a nice one bedroom apartment with a “spare master bedroom” just in case any of my friends and family want to come up for a visit someday. If my Christmas is this much better than the one I had two years ago, think how much better it might be two years from now, if I keep this up. God has done for me what I could not do for myself. All the Glory goes to God.


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It’s not that I don’t have the talent.
It’s just that I don’t have the wheels.  

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GOD BLESS