Gratitude List 1099

1. Slept about eight hours, from around 11 till about 7:20am.

2. Checked my balance and it’s actually $40 greater than I’d thought, due to a return on a fouled up ATM transaction from some time ago, that I’d forgotten all about, now manifesting.

3. Just made $10 selling another Interim CD, so the total now for sales is at $125.

4. Between #3 & #4 above, I see no reason not to go up to Goodwill and get a badly needed pair of thick dark pants.

5. The present Round Table has a centering, comforting effect.  There’s something about this one table at this one cafe that has a calming, quieting effect on my spirit.  I notice I get a lot of music written here, too.   

6. Soon I’ll be practicing on the Baldwin Grand.  It’s great to have a key to a building with a Baldwin grand piano.  I’m looking forward to practicing more and more.  

7. Beautiful bright sunny day.  The surface, though slippery, is manageable. Thoroughly enjoyed a brisk walk through campus, even out past the Campus Starbucks (which was not yet open), and down Sixth Street to the cafe where I sit.  

8. Kathy W. gave me a ride out to Wal-Mart yesterday afternoon so I could get my thyroid medication.  

9. Walked three miles briskly yesterday, from Wal-Mart back home, in two mile and a half chunks.

10. Grateful for the warm, accepting community of the town in which I live.  I was just hearing from a friend that where she is, people aren’t nearly so nice, and when she has tried to join activities or organizations, they have been downright rude. If this is true, all the more reason to be grateful for the friendly close-knit community I have found.  It has its underbelly, like anywhere else, but once that’s been identified and duly disposed of, this University city truly becomes a beautiful world.

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Gratitude List 1023

I’ve been doubling up on my gratitude lists lately, usually doing two a day instead of one.  I tend to do that when times are hard, because they really do help me keep my spirits up.  And then, ironically, I sometimes realize that times are not so hard after all.

1. Though I only slept 3 1/2 hours from about 10pm till 1:30am, it’s really okay.   There’s nowhere that I have to be today, and I can make my own schedule.  I’ve paid all my bills, and I’ve got food in the kitchen.  Thankful that I have a place where I can sleep, and that I’m not outside in the 32 degrees of cold.

2. I just remembered feeling a real sense of peace when I was walking home from the café in the drizzle last night.  When I was at peace, I saw a vision of someone whom I love, that she’s totally depressed right now, and I was able to pray for her with compassion.

3. When I was in the space of #2 above, I no longer felt threatened by this person whom I love.

4. Reading Proverbs 7 is reminding me it’s probably not a good idea to go out with any particularly flirtatious married women.   ;)

5. Really glad I decided to go to church yesterday after all.  Everything about it was nice, including the fellowship afterwards.  I didn’t know Tom R. could play the 12-string like that, and it was also the best I’d ever heard Mary R. play the flute.  Also, Amy P. got up and read very nicely.  I remember thinking her mother Kathy must be proud of her.

6. Finished the polished draft of #2A The Age of Nevermore”  in my vocal score. Really got into it, how all the extended notes acting like drones against the melody lines in the quintet are like the “sirens of the damned” that the lyrics reference.  Can’t wait to score the instrumental ending with all that cacaphony and synth-brass counterpoint over wailing guitar solos while my protagonist is in torture on a gurney at the psych ward.

7. I love that cute café, the way they just sit there and let me work, and they don’t kick me out or anything like they would have when I was homeless down in California.

8. Grateful for that Friday night meeting at the Recovery Center, and for Cindy being the secretary.   I think I’ll try to go every Friday now, and just go once a week between now and April.

9. Just saw a notification of a new email reply from Lynne Fisher.  This will give me something to do before I go back to bed.

10. I’m in a good mood now.  God is Good.

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Gratitude List 906

(1) My daughter and I have been in touch daily, on phone, Skype, and text chat.   This blesses my heart.

(2) I was feeling empty and heavy after much oversleep and willful wishing to escape from my allotted difficulties.  But as soon as I stepped into the One World Cafe, I felt full again, and light.

(3) The Round Table.   It’s nice to have a specific table at the cafe that has come to be associated with productivity and forward motion.

(4) Sugar free short mocha.  It helps.

(5) Nice weather at 68F degrees, nearing noon already.

(6) The people at the Recovery Center really enjoy my piano music, and are going to pipe it over the speakers at the Fairgrounds when we have our picnic.

(7) The new editor has another assignment for me, due Wednesday, and I got a little excited as she articulated it.  It’s fun to be sinking my teeth into journalism at this time.

(8) It looks as though I’ve just about scored the first five numbers in my vocal score.  I’m saying they’ll be all done by Friday.

(9) I really like my pastor and my church.

(10) It’s nice to have a quiet apartment to come home to, when I feel worn.  I didn’t have that for a lot of years.  I had to shuffle about outdoors, looking for places to crash on large lawns, and on the subway, arousing suspicion wherever I went.  It’s so nice to be unsuspected in life — to be respected, and regarded as an equal.  What to do with this great gift is the question — but more will be revealed.   

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Gratitude List 884

Here’s my second gratitude list from Saturday, after waking up from a morning nap.

1. I was tired and discouraged, then I remembered I could take a power nap at the church. Slept so heavily I didn’t know where I was when I woke, and was not nearly so discouraged on awakening, and no longer tired.

2. I prayed for the discouragement to be removed, and it was removed.

3. I prayed specifically for things to happen that would cancel out what happened to discourage me — and one of them has already happened.

shoelaces4. There was no way I could get the knot out of my left shoelace, which was a thin shoelace. Walking lacelessly toward the thrift shop was bringing back bad memories, and I really did not want to spend the $5 debit card limit just to get a 63 cent shoelace at the Salvation Army. Then, I found a dollar bill on the ground, so I didn’t have to. Also, the single shoelace they had (not the set) was a very thick 54″ shoelace, which was the perfect size. The prayer about the shoelace was answered, not fifteen minutes after I prayed it. Wow.

5. Also find it interesting synchronicity that I twice alluded to the “homeless shoelace problem” recently — in Talk 4 and in the Thursday post — and then, it happened. These things happen for a reason.

6. Heard an O.G. playing nice jazz standards and singing on a guitar outside the music store downtown. He told me the store had hired him, which was encouraging, since not everyone will hire an Old Guy. Exchanged contact info, felt warm inside. Loved his version of “Laura.”

7. Ran into Timbo at the café just before Writer’s Guild. Great guy, leaving for Michigan on Wednesday. He bought an “Abstractions” CD, which helps considerably.

8. Really great to reconnect with the people at the local Writer’s Guild.

9. Something tells me that the friendship between me & my daughter will be stronger than ever before.

10. God is Love.

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A Sense of Mandate

I’m creating a blog post primarily for the purpose of justifying the fact that I just spent $2.46 on a large coffee at a cafe, rather than continue to isolate inside the darkness of my dreary abode.   If I can get out of this cafe knowing that I accomplished something other than yet another unnecessary monetary purchase, it might do my soul a bit of good.

So to continue the ongoing progress report here (if use of the word “progress” isn’t stretching the definition too far), I did accomplish something after I wrote the previous entry.  I wrote about three or four more pages of dialogue between the male protagonist and the female antagonist.  I’m not sure I can use any of it, but at least I wrote something.   I was trying to “just write” (as many have suggested.)  The reason I stopped was because my “just writing” was leading to immoral areas.   I was beginning to get off on the evil of the evil characters.  Another good reason to leave my room.   Things like that tend to happen more behind closed doors when we don’t think anybody’s watching.

In general, this playwriting process is so inherently annoying compared to the more fulfilling process of composing music; I wonder sometimes why I am even bothering.  I’m getting older; I’m not really looking forward to spending each day for the rest of my life wracking my brains out.  It’s just that at the rare moments when I feel like I have something on the ball here, the sense that I get within myself is that I know  I have something on the ball.  It’s not just a feeling anymore.  It’s not just a hope, guess, conjecture, or speculation.  It’s a certainty.   It seems to come from somewhere outside of me, beyond me.  

Then, it incurs a sense of obligation – of mandate.  I simply have to keep working on the script, for the single reason that I know it to be potentially positive and powerful.  Otherwise, hell yeah I’d give the damn thing up.   I’m pretty sick of the fact that the process awakened a buried resentment regarding a failed forty-year friendship, for example.  But if it hadn’t have aroused that particular negativity, it would have aroused some other negativity.   And it has, in fact, aroused many such negativities.

Why?  Because it’s a process that I hate.  I don’t enjoy writing theatre of any sort; I’m doing it because of this sense of divine, cosmic, or extraterrestial mandate that doesn’t permit me to stop working on a project that I love, even though it involves a process that I hate.  Now if that isn’t twisted, I don’t know what is.