Gratitude List 1063

My list from yesterday morning.

1. I feel kinda “normal” this morning.  I like it when I’m at my norm, when nothing is setting me off.

2. I noticed, as of this morning, that I’m able to pray again. When people have come to mind, I’ve been able to pray for them rather than just worry about them or (worse yet) be indifferent toward them. It’s the evidence of a prayer life that I associate with the state of sobriety that I find to be the best, most useful state.

3. Slept during a normal time frame. I forget when I went to bed (8 or 9) but awoke at around 4am feeling rested and refreshed. Dreamed a lot too.

4. Heard from my daughter for the first time in a long time.   All she said was “hey daddy, love you hope you’re well” and then didn’t reply to any of my following, very immediate, most excited texts. Still, that’s better than nothing.  Grateful to hear that she is (1) alive, and (2) breathing.  It does make a difference.  ;)

5. This coffee is great, from the Sunset. I enjoyed jogging to the store and back in the 18 degrees. It didn’t feel oppressively cold, and the nice guy was working graveyard shift. Got a large Hi-Rev coffee, still working on it.

6. This is a really nice spot, where my apartment is. I like my desk, and where it sits, and the view. The seclusion really sits well with me, if truly appreciated and used properly. I like the early morning hours.

7. Nice chat with a good friend, one of the volunteers at the Center.   

8. Soon I’ll be in the cafe, probably at the Round Table, probably writing music, probably smiling.  Looking forward to church this morning, too.  And you know — my life is good these days. There really is a lot to be grateful for.

9. Working on a big number in Act Two for the vocal score.   It’s intriguing.  There’s an interesting tension between the powerful statement of solidarity and the weird campy musical theatre show tune aspect. That’s the tension I’ve got to work with, in order to make this number truly great.  And I will do so.

10. His blessings are new every morning. Great is His faithfulness.

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Gratitude List 1035

1. Slept really well for over eight hours, between about 10:30 and about 6:45, with very vivid dreams that seemed meaningful. Thankful for REM sleep. I never used to get it when I was homeless, sleeping with one eye open out there, ready for anything.

2. Courtyard Cafe, just finished the $3 traditional breakfast, on my second cup of free Pikes Peak coffee with unlimited refills.

3. Though my thoughts were anxious and scattered on awakening, I noticed after setting foot outside that there was never a moment of inner rage like there often used to be. Even when the thoughts of the guys I’ve been mad at crossed my mind, there was no anger in the thoughts. That’s what we call progress.

4. 36 days now since I gave up a certain personal habit that turned out not to be a good thing for me. Others, I suppose, may enjoy it, as they will.

5. It felt good to show up ten minutes early for church yesterday morning, instead of ten minutes late.  There’s something about finding a seat in the pews that’s to my liking, and having people come up saying hello for a while, that’s much more peaceful than rushing in late and having to wonder if I stick out like a sore thumb.  

6. Though I couldn’t find my spikes this morning before setting out in 23F weather, I succeeded in getting the laces of my snow boots tied up, despite frazzled ends.

7. As I walked toward the Courtyard Cafe, I contemplated how much I am invigorated by the marvelous cold weather of these here Northern regions. I sure don’t miss my past in California, where it was hot, hot, hot — in more ways than one. ;)

8. I was blessed by this blog post that Khaliela, who heads up our local Writers Guild, wrote for GoDaddy.

9. Dreamed all night about this guy whom I might be working with. I was working not only with him but with all the people he works with. They kept giving me practical advice on getting along well with others in the workplace. They kept saying: “Play by the rules. Don’t just show interest in yourself, show interest in Michael and the others. You’re only human. Go by Romans 3.”

When I woke up, a large figure I often see to the left of my front door loomed into the kitchen. I sometimes take this man to be an Angel — I all him the Angel of Dreams. He always shows up after a particularly meaningful dream. When my eyes open, I see him, and he slips stealthily into the kitchen, after which I see him no more.

I opened up the Bible and read these words:

“For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”

10. I’m on my 3rd cup of free coffee.  A friend just texted and said she’ll be on her way over.  It’s good to have friends.  It’s good to have a home.

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Gratitude List 973

1. Although I woke up after only three hours sleep at around 2:30am feeling horribly mentally unhealthy as well as morally and spiritually incompetent, enough positivity has been mustered up since then to renew my hope.

2. One of the (very minor) frustrations on my mind this morning was an inability to find my nail clipper, but at the moment in the morning when I remembered to pray for God’s help at the beginning of the day, I looked down onto the kitchen counter, and there it was sitting by the microwave.  I like it when this kind of thing happens.  It of course has nothing to do with resolving any of the more major frustrations, but it does sort of give one the impression that God’s got his back.

3. Nice email update from Erika this morning and was able to write a proper reply.  This also came one day after I was getting a nudge to email her, so that part’s also good.

4. Heard from Timbo upon my request, who used to be a peer counselor at the Recovery Center.  It was good to go over some of my current issues with him, so as to get a new and valuable perspective.

5. Sold another Exile CD.   Grateful to have made eight such sales in the past three days.  It’s a ray of hope at an otherwise very trying time.

6. I really like my church.  I was depressed yesterday morning, but the fellowship lifted me up.   Certain members of the church are beginning to approach me with homeless themes, and I get a sense of respect from them that I haven’t often found elsewhere, until very recently in life.

7. Although this is a very problematical time for me in terms of a personal family crisis, it’s having the effect of causing me to create about three times as many gratitude lists as usual.  They do help, along with other tools, to renew my hope in Christ and in the future of humanity on this planet.  

8. I’ve noticed that I forget about my problems when I work on the Eden in Babylon vocal score.  This is a good thing, because it gives me more motivation to get it done, and I really do need to have a draft of it ready by the 31st, in order to meet a certain deadline.

9. It’s always darkest before the dawn.

10. This too shall pass.  

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Gratitude List 951

My gratitude list from Sunday morning.   

1. Only got 5 hrs sleep (from 9 to 2) but awoke feeling rested. Also, I felt like I was coming down with the flu when I went to bed, but feel fine after sleeping it off.

2. Coffee is actually the right strength this time. (It’s been weak lately).

3. I like my early morning space and solitude.

4. Just finished vocal-scoring No.6 (Awake the Dawn) with words thru measure 30 and w/out words to 55. It’s going way better than I thought it would.

5. An interesting synchronicity is making me feel like I’m on the right track. Same thing happened with Bubbles Taboo a long time ago, where 12 unplanned modulations on all kinds of divergent intervals somehow landed me back in the same key I’d started in, even though I didn’t plan it that way. This time, with “Awake the Dawn,” I had to change the key and some of the octaves to avoid having the singers span an impossible 3+ octave range, and also had to correct the two instances where a corny half step modulation ought to have been replaced by a modulation to a relative major; and once again, the combination of all that landed me somehow in the same key I started in. It’s like magic when that kind of thing happens, and it can be very encouraging.

6. J. says that E. got her medication now, which is a relief.

7. Nice conversation with Danielle last night. Interesting about Baby-Wise.

8. I’m really lucky I landed the church I’m at. It’s not just that they’re not “kicking me out.” I’m actually being given a chance to grow. It’s such a blessing, compared to anything I tried along these lines in the past.

9. Guess my PSA levels were okay, or the clinic would have called me by now.

10. God is Good.

Gratitude List 928

(1) Managed to get some sleep last night.  Although I awoke after one hours sleep to a punk kid in the hood ringing my doorbell at 3:15 in the morning, at least I didn’t wake up to two rookie cops shining their flashlights directly in my eyes and telling me to “move on” on Christmas Day.

(2) Ran two miles yesterday and did 18 push-ups.   Easily, too.  I guess I still have it in me.  Most guys my age can’t run down the block.

(3) I can still kinda play the piano.  Some people even say I’m getting better at it.

(4) I’m in good health.  (Physically, that is.)

(5) I’m alive, and I believe I am going to heaven when I die; because although I have many sins, past present and future, I sincerely believe that Jesus died for them all.

(6) I like my church.  In fact, I love my church.  I even like the pastor.  I’ve never liked a pastor before.

peg(7) I’m not in California, where everybody treats me like I’m crazy.   Nobody up here treats me like I’m crazy, and I am so so glad.  They don’t treat me like I’m worthless.  Their smile toward me is genuine.  They don’t get into my shit, and I don’t get into theirs.  Nobody’s trying to change me.   Nobody’s trying to put one over on me.   Everybody accepts me for who I am.  The prayers of years have been answered.  I love North Idaho, and I super love this town.

(8) It’s always darkest before the dawn.  There will be a light at the end of this winding tunnel; and this too shall pass.

(9) I don’t like my personality very much, but at least I’m not a deceived Nazi Aryan white supremacist violent idiot.

(10) At least I have my space.   I’m an Artist.  I need my space.  I pray I put it to good use, after this.  For so many years, I did not have my space.  And people mocked me because of my devotion to my Art.  They kept trying to transform me into somebody I was not, and they laughed at me when I didn’t conform to the mode – as though I were a curiosity piece, a knick knack, an item of decor, placed on their dinner table for their entertainment.  I still remember the two of them, whom I thought were my friends, finding hilarity in the fact that I was having a first-time manic episode and losing my shirt.  But nobody treats me like that up here.  Nobody mocks me.  Nobody jeers at me.  Nobody scoffs, or sneers.    And I love it.    I hope I never again forget what I’m truly about.   God help me, if I ever again forget who I am.

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Gratitude List 911

1. I woke up on a comfortable couch this morning next to my computer and my desk. Guaging my overall condition at the moment – mental, physical, spiritual – I was genuinely grateful that I didn’t have to wake up where I would have woke up two or three years ago.

2. I seem to be in pretty good health, all things considered.

3. I’m not always grateful for what I have, but right now I am – and I am grateful for that fact.

4. It’s insane for me to ever want to go back and be homeless again. But something keeps drawing me there. What I’m grateful for right now is that something happened — I can’t tell you what it was — but it had the effect of reminding me just how lousy it is down there. It was a hard thing that happened (something involving a friendship that failed), but I am grateful that it happened, because it was the reminder that I needed.

5. Grateful for the sense that I have a future. I have not been totally destroyed, and there’s more for me to do on this earth – and possibly even afterwards. A lot of people who have been where I’ve been have been destroyed. So God is keeping me around for a reason. How can I not be grateful for that?

6. Just thought about my church right now. I really like my church. People are genuinely nice, and intelligent — and they mind their own business, too.

7. California and Idaho are a lot different. The people are different. We’re all human beings, of course, but what I mean is that the mores are different. The social customs and practices differ. It’s taking me a while to get used to it, and a lot of things have thrown me for a loop. But I just gotta say, me personally, the type of guy I am, I am very grateful to be in Idaho, and in this city.

9. My pastor, whose name is Norman. I’ve never had a pastor like him before. It’s hard to describe, and I hesitate to belaud the guy – but he acts like a *real* Christian – he doesn’t judge, he listens, his comments reflect wisdom and love, he goes out of his way to help people who are struggling – he’s not just a guy who knows what the Bible says and knows how to preach about it. He doesn’t boast, he doesn’t trip – he just does what a Christian is supposed to do, and keeps doing it. If every Christian were like Norman, I bet nobody in this country would hate Christians. So how can I not be grateful?

10. God is good. I am very grateful at this moment, just to be alive.

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Gratitude List 906

(1) My daughter and I have been in touch daily, on phone, Skype, and text chat.   This blesses my heart.

(2) I was feeling empty and heavy after much oversleep and willful wishing to escape from my allotted difficulties.  But as soon as I stepped into the One World Cafe, I felt full again, and light.

(3) The Round Table.   It’s nice to have a specific table at the cafe that has come to be associated with productivity and forward motion.

(4) Sugar free short mocha.  It helps.

(5) Nice weather at 68F degrees, nearing noon already.

(6) The people at the Recovery Center really enjoy my piano music, and are going to pipe it over the speakers at the Fairgrounds when we have our picnic.

(7) The new editor has another assignment for me, due Wednesday, and I got a little excited as she articulated it.  It’s fun to be sinking my teeth into journalism at this time.

(8) It looks as though I’ve just about scored the first five numbers in my vocal score.  I’m saying they’ll be all done by Friday.

(9) I really like my pastor and my church.

(10) It’s nice to have a quiet apartment to come home to, when I feel worn.  I didn’t have that for a lot of years.  I had to shuffle about outdoors, looking for places to crash on large lawns, and on the subway, arousing suspicion wherever I went.  It’s so nice to be unsuspected in life — to be respected, and regarded as an equal.  What to do with this great gift is the question — but more will be revealed.   

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Anything Helps – God Bless!