This one was from Saturday morning. It looked interesting & unusual enough to be worth posting. So I posted it.
1. Slept about 5 hours, a little after 10 till around 3. Slept deeply.
2. At some point yesterday, I became really tired, in a good way. Tired of always feeling like I have to prove myself. It felt good not to need to prove anything to anyone. It made me feel as though I was already all right.
3. Apologized to a couple people I’d gotten upset with. I don’t know that they were necessarily “in the wrong” but it still seemed right to apologize for my overreaction.
4. Felt better after I apologized, and like I could move forward now.
5. There’s a kind of hatred in me when I’m trying to prove myself to people, especially to people I knew from California, or to sheltered people of privilege, or both. Tired of hating on them, tired of returning stigma for stigma. Tired of the whole thing. It felt so good to let go, when I did let go, and I knew I’d let go.
6. I didn’t have to prove myself anymore to this one guy I ran into the other night, somebody who intimidates me, because he has every positive quality that I lack. So what? He’s got his, and I’ve got mine. The same God created us both.
7. Did all right at the Open Mike and may have made a new friend in this one lady Hanna — or at least a fan. Sang “The Word from Beyond” and it kinda seemed dumb that I’d ever felt I needed to change those lyrics, as though to prove myself, or prove that I’m not New Agey, or whatever it is that makes me weirder than most Christians. It’s just a damn song in a show, that is to say, a show tune. And I wrote it. It speaks for itself. Tired of proving myself.
8. Woke up and I was different. Tired of sending all these emails to everyone. I want to read, I want to run. Tired of talking all the time, I just want to listen.
9. It felt good to just notate the score last night and make progress and not have to prove that my work is good. My work just is good, it felt good just to do the work and not worry about what anybody thinks of it. If they didn’t think my music was good, they wouldn’t be trying to help me produce my musical. It felt good just to relax about it all for once.
10. Met an interesting spiritual guy who knows Norman from Campus Christian Center, a Zen kinda dude named Seth. He gave me a ride home from the Open Mike. We probably disagree about prayer, but I didn’t feel like I had to win an argument or anything. Tired of proving myself.
Tired of having to prove myself to money-worshipping money-guzzlers. Tired of feeling like I should have anything to prove to people of privilege who go around lecturing us poor people on how to live — as if they have any idea what it’s like to be poor, and as if I had any inkling I’d ever want to be rich and become like they are.
Tired of getting pissed off at privileged people’s put-downs and all their hypocritical kick-downs. I’ll stay poor, I’ll stay starved, I’ll stay complaining to them all. And the day when they realize I’m not complaining about my lot in life, but only complaining about them — will be one Great Day on the Planet. Some of these kooks kick down a couple of bucks and expect you to kiss their butts for the rest of your days. They kick down five, and you’re supposed to change your entire hard-earned value system. Ten bucks and there goes your political philosophy.
I’m just tired, I’m done. It feels good. I don’t care about money-lovers, the seeds they plant are rooted in evil. They’ll get theirs.
And I’ve got mine!! I just want to die to self and live to Christ. From now on. Tired and done.
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