It was Wednesday evening just before Choir practice when I posted The Siddhartha Monologue. I slept well that night. Then Thursday throughout the day I wrestled with the prospect of creating a decent audio recording. I did a couple bad takes, and wound up feeling rather disgruntled. Irrelevant old resentments were resurfacing, irrespective of the fact that I knew they would do me no good. I began to feel pent up, and cooped up in my studio – stir crazy, and needing a break. So at a certain point I headed down to the Bagel Shop downstairs and across the corner.
Ah! I was the only customer, I thought with relief. I didn’t really want to have to interact with any people in particular, not in the mood I was in. But Paul, the young man behind the counter, is an amiable chap. He just got his degree in some form of psychology, and he appears to be quite the optimist. I wound up confessing my dilemma to him – how I’d thought sure I’d have gotten a lot accomplished by that time on that day, but here it was about seven in the evening already, and I had nothing to show for it.
Paul’s suggestion was that I go back upstairs and try completing some completely unrelated household chore, something that has nothing to do with the project, such as washing the dishes. Apparently that’s what works for him, in such cases. But I found that, in my case, after putting my angst into words in the presence of a single intelligent, if innocent, young man, I was considerably more optimistic upon returning upstairs after my cookie and cup of coffee. There, I did a third take of The Siddhartha Monologue, and I finished it at nine o’clock exactly.
That’s my voice you hear, acting out the part of Winston Greene, a thirty-something year old man. I hope you enjoy it.
I suddenly felt more than satisfied. It wasn’t just that I’d succeeded in recording a decent take of the monologue. After all, recording the monologue was only a side project. But what resulted from it was my realizing that the monologue is good; it does work; it encapsulates who Winston Greene is in essence, as well as marks the monumental nature of the moment in which he now finds himself, having encountered the realities of poverty for the first time in his life. This realization greatly increased my confidence. In fact, I was so energized, I wrote nine more pages of script, all the way up to page 40. This was from nine up till about midnight. As I did so, I had the rare experience of actually believing in what I was writing — believing that I had something to get across as a Writer and that I would be able to get it across to an audience through this musical theatre medium.
So I relaxed within myself quite a bit, as far as this project is concerned, after that. It now seems that I actually have a potentially marketable product here – I’m not just a dreamer anymore at this stage. However, the last four days have not been conducive to much creative work. There have been holiday-related obligations; also I played a lengthy Christmas Eve service, a Christmas Day service, and at two nursing homes on Christmas. Then I had dinner over at my pastor’s house with numerous other people, and didn’t get home till eight in the evening. I pretty much rested throughout the day yesterday, although I did return to the steadier process of scoring music using my Finale software – a process that is more immediately rewarding than that of writing text.
So, hopefully today I can get moving again on the script. I have some creative problem solving to do at page 40, which is why this was a logical stop. Although I don’t have the answer yet, the experience of unknowing is no longer manifesting as high anxiety, resentment, or rage. Something has changed. I believe in my project now – it is not just a cover for insecurity or wishful thinking. I don’t feel harangued by resentment towards others, or even toward myself, as I proceed. I no longer need the approval of any of those people; for it has been communicated to me that my work is good, and the Source of that communication is One whose assessment is reliable, One whom I need not doubt.