Tag Archives: Paganism

Annoyed and Paranoid

Sent this text to a student/friend of mine whose mother might be into witchcraft. Thought it might make an interesting blog post, out of context.

Okay.  I’m paranoid because I identify as a Christian which in this neck of the woods is regarded with enmity by people who practice witchcraft and therefore maybe even your mom.

I learned after a hard experience with a Pagan lady that the Pagans and witches in this area are quite adversarial toward professed Christians. This was not my experience in the Bay Area, where i was often advised I could be a Pagan and a Christian simultaneously.

On rational reflection, since your mom has always appeared to be favorable, I tend to doubt she’s about to go cast a spell against me.  Therefore the paranoia is probably unfounded (except in the case of some previous Pagans, such as that other lady.)

Oddly enough, the Christian thing didn’t really become a public statement till I moved up to Idaho. Down in Berkeley, I was regarded as a Pagan–pentacles, circles, the whole shebang.  The Christian thing there was a function of churches often needing piano players, though it is true that I have embraced an inner spiritual reality. But I have also always enjoyed digesting the teachings of all the many conflicting denominations and cults.

A position as a church pianist was a perfect way to learn of these denominational differences, since I wound up losing jobs with every major denomination. But here I am up in Idaho and writing for a religious news site, somehow having had the effect of dredging up personal beliefs from out of my inner heart of privacy, and making my weird notions known to the masses (albeit largely misunderstood, as stated earlier.)

In my experience, psychologically speaking, paranoia is a product of guilt.  As a guilt-ridden individual, it’s often challenging for me to determine whether I’ve actually done something wrong, or am merely feeling guilt out of a guilty nature.

A religious upbringing during a very staid and repressive decade no doubt contributed to the guilty excess.  However I do feel there is a transcendent spirituality that can be sought and found, and I don’t feel that Christianity, despite its many problems, should be excluded from that realm.

Christ is real. This is a real Spirit with whom people interact and who assists them in their decision making. How that relates to the Christian religion is another story, and would be the substance of an extended conversation.

Odd I would even become paranoid at all, actually. I very often felt paranoia down in California, but very seldom since I’ve moved to Idaho. Last time I was paranoid, I was concerned that a biker might have been out to get me. But that was over a year ago. Now he and I are cool too, thus demonstrating that it was only a paranoid fiction.

So that’s all really.  I’m not paranoid anymore but just kind of annoyed with life, which usually happens at around this time every month before I get paid, three of four days from now. However, I may need to explore what is making me feel guilty.  This seems the most critical matter in terms of psychoanalysis.

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Tuesday Tuneup 28

Q. Where would you like to be?

A. In a place of greater vigilance.

Q. What do you mean by that?

A. By vigilance?  You know what vigilance means – surveillance, watchfulness, attentiveness, alertness —

Q. But you mean something deeper than that, don’t you?

A. What makes you think so?

Q. Aren’t I the one who’s supposed to be asking the questions?

A. Okay, look.  I mean greater awareness.  More keen to what’s happening around me, and what possibly could happen.  More mindful of the conceivable consequences of my actions.  Vigilance.

Q. Why is this important to you?  

A. Because it’s the fourth of the five principles of the Practical Pentacle, and all of these principles are important to me: integrity, confidence, diligence, vigilance, and fortitude.

Q. Where did those words come from?

A.  I guess the short answer would be, “off the top of my head.”

Q. And the long answer?

A. You asked for it.  Around about 2012, I was in an environment where there were a lot of Pagans.  Or, I guess, Neopagans would be more accurate.  Some of them wore pentacles, and one of them told me that if I chose to employ a pentacle, I would not necessarily have to use the standard five points of “Earth, Air, Fire, Water, and Spirit” – but could pick any five principles I thought would work for me.   So I said: “I’ll use integrity, confidence, diligence, vigilance, and fortitude.”  

Q. Just like that?

A. Pretty much.  Not sure where they come from, to be honest with you, but it all seemed pretty positive.

Q. Then what did you do?

A. Naturally, I started looking online for a pentacle to purchase.

Q. You actually purchased a pentacle?

A. Actually, no.  I stopped short.

Q. Why?

A. Couldn’t find one off-hand that looked right.  And then, in the time it was taking to look, I began to have reservations.

Q. Like what?

A. Well, being as I was a piano player at a Christian church at the time, I thought it might be odd if I showed up wearing a Pagan pentacle.

Q. But how do you really feel about this oddity?

A. You know me.  I don’t think it should be odd.  So what if I’m wearing a necklace shaped like a five-sided star?   As a Christian, I’m free to where whatever I please, as long as it’s not overly revealing or provocative.

Q. But doesn’t the Pentacle connote an anti-Christian religion?

A. What makes you think Neopaganism is an anti-Christian religion?

Q. Aren’t I supposed to ask the questions?

A. Okay look.  Getting down to brass tacks, there is nothing wrong or immoral about wearing a five-sided star, and associating each side of the star with a positive spiritual principle.   Nothing evil in that.  But because, to some people, it would appear to be evil, I declined, for their sake.  The Scripture does say: “Abstain from all appearance of evil.”

Q. So you’re saying a Christian has to look good?

A. To a degree, yes.  Appearances are important.   They’re not all-important.  They’re certainly not more important than reality.  But certain kinds of appearances have a way of messing with people’s realities, and that just isn’t cool.

Q. So, in other words, you bailed out?

A. I suppose you could put it this way.   But Christianity does involve being concerned for others in our midst.

Q. And this is why you wimped out?

A. More-or-less.

Q. Well then, if you never bought the pentacle, and never actually wore the pentacle, how does the pentacle still figure into your trip?

A. It’s an internal pentacle.  I have it inside me.

Q. You do?

A. I do.  I believe that it was placed inside me as a device to assist me in getting something accomplished — something which I very much need to do.

Q. What is it that you need to do?

A. You already know that.  It’s all over this website.   Everybody knows what I’m trying to do.  I’m rather surprised you would even bother to ask.

Q. But how do these principles help?

A. It’s a matter of applying them, moment by moment, one at a time.

Q. Can you elaborate on that?

A. I’ll try.  Integrity is the first and most important.  Before I make a creative or professional decision, I need to run it past my integrity.  I need not prostitute myself.

Q. And then?

A. Confidence.   Faith, essentially, that I have what it takes to get it done.

Q. What next?

A. I already told you.  Diligence.  That means, work, discipline, sticking to it, keeping a schedule — all that stuff.   And then, vigilance.   Awareness of the greater picture.  Preparation for possible dangers and pitfalls.   Finally, fortitude.

Q. Meaning?

A.just do it Just do it.  

Q. Take the leap, eh?

A. That’s right. Take the plunge.

Q. But – but – the plunge to where?

A. We don’t know quite where.  That’s what makes it a plunge.

Q. But – for what reason?   Why bother with any of this?

A. Because I need to get something done.

Q. What do you need to get done?

A. You already know that.

Q. And you don’t?

A. No, sir.  I do, if anyone does.   But –

I tire of talking about it.  I burn myself out having to explain myself all the time, over and over.  It gets tedious.   And people are tired of hearing about it.   I get tired of telling people that it’s going to cost me $200 a night to rent out the theatre where I want to showcase my musical, and that I’m going to have to come up with $15/hr for each member of the technical staff they provide me.  I get tired of harping on the fact that I’m an impoverished old guy with a serious health condition who somehow managed to put together an entire musical — book, music & lyrics — about the Homeless Phenomenon in America.   I’ve been screaming “money talks, bullshit walks” for so long that I’m begining to sicken my own self.   

And that dollar figure you see when you click here?   That money went to pay for my critique and demo recording, a long time ago.  When was the last payment?  In May?  From February to May I managed to scrape up $950 – or Danielle did, bless her heart.   But do you realize it’s October already?   What’s happened between May and October?  Damn near nothing.   I need the bucks!   It’s maddening.  Sometimes I need to apply all five principles at once just to keep my head together . . .

Q. Andy, what is the bottom line?

A. Bucks.  I need the bucks – the bucks . . .

Q. Come on, Andy — is money really the bottom line?

Q. You know me.  Of course it’s not.   Homelessness is the bottom line.  It’s as low as it gets.   It’s the weakest link in the country right now — and we need to be about strengthening our weak links — or else the whole chain is going to break, and fast.

A. How do you know this?

Q.  Dude — you sit on a sidewalk for five years, watching the urban world buzz by at a lightning pace, on a marathon race to nowhere, and you have a lot of time to make observations and draw conclusions.   Believe me, I didn’t put this show together because I was talking out of my hat.  

Q. What do you need the most?

A. Fortitude.  I need for somebody to take some action here.   Take a risk.  Have courage.  Believe in me.  Just do it.   

Q. Just do — what?

A. What you’re thinking about right now — you who have so encouraged me by having read to the bottom of this whole long page.   Please — we don’t have all night.   Daylight’s burning.  We gotta get this show on the road.   Just do it!

Q. Just do – what, again?   

A. Do you honestly expect me to answer that?

Q. Aren’t I the one who’s supposed to be asking the questions?

A. You tell me.  

The Questioner is silent.  

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Tuesday Tuneup 27

Q. Where would you like to be?

A. In a place of greater diligence.

Q. What do you need to be more diligent about?

A. To be honest with you, I’d rather talk about something else.

Q. Then why did you bring it up?

A. Because I had this plan for five of the Tuesday tuneups.  I started two Tuesdays ago, with integrity.  The plan was to cover Integrity, Confidence, Diligence, Vigilance, and Fortitude, in that order.  For these are the five points of the Practical Pentacle.

Q. Pentacle?

A. Yeah, I was hanging around with Pagans for a while.  One of them told me I could change the classic five points of the Pentacle (that is, Earth, Air, Fire, Water, and Spirit) to anything I wanted.   Thus five principles came to me in a flash, so I ran with it.

Q. Did you actually wear this pentacle?

A. Naw.  It wouldn’t have gone over too well in Christian circles. 

Q. Then what did you do with it?

A. I began to apply the principles to my work, of course.

Q. But why did you want to talk about all this, instead of about diligence?

A. Because I’m avoiding the subject, obviously.

Q. Does the subject of diligence threaten you?

A. Somewhat.

Q. Why would that be?

A. Because I haven’t been diligent in the areas that require it, but only in the areas that I enjoy.

Q. Can you clarify?

A. I’m fairly diligent about my Artistic endeavors.  Reasonably diligent about maintaining this blog.  Diligent about church attendance and that kind of thing.  But there’s one thing I haven’t been very diligent about at all.

Q. What’s that?

A. The Word.

Q. Who’s Word?

A. God’s Word.

Q. And how do you hear that Word?

A. You know the Scriptures.  “Faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the Word of God.”

Q. You mean the Bible?

A. Yes.

Q. When did you give up your diligence as far as reading your Bible?

A. I think it was when I was hanging around with those Pagan guys.  Back around 2012.  Before that, the Bible was the only book I read for 22 years.

Q. The only book?

A. I take it back.  I also read the The Chronicles of Narnia.

Q. And no other books than those?

Thomas Merton 5

Thomas Merton

A. Not completely.  Bits and pieces of Thomas Merton, Paul Tournier, and Henri Nouwen.  I’m really not a very good reader, you know.   But I did read my Bible every day.   It was a King James that Jan had left with me.  I kept it around my apartment, and read bits and pieces of it till I found something worth meditating on.  Then I meditated on those bits and pieces till they made sense in my life.  And went about my day.  

Q. So you would like to be more diligent with this practice?

A. Yes.  But without the extremism of eliminating all other books.

Q. Why is this on your mind?

A. Because I strayed.   As we all do.  I veered from my right and proper path.  And I paid.  As we all do.   I paid the price.   It’s just not worth it to stray too far from the simplicity that there is in Christ.

Q. How far did you stray?

A. Far enough.   A lot farther than just hanging around with Pagans, I can tell you that much.

Q. Satanism?

A. Move on to the next question, please.

Q. What brought you back?

A. Pain.  Extreme pain.  Psychological torture.  Psychic assault.  Cosmic manipulation of intentions and events.   Twisting of my values, and forced switching of my allegiance.  Jousting with demonic spirits – on their own terms, in their own playing field.  Deliberate distortion of my discernment.  And many other such things you do not need to know — indescribable things, worse than those.  

Q. And the Bible brings relief from all that pain?

A. Yes.  And remarkably so.  It already has, and in an incredibly short period of time.  Not so much the Bible, but the Word that is revealed in it.

Q. When did you lapse into all this rigid, right-wing fundamentalism?

A. Diligence, not rigidity.  And Left-Right is a crock of shit — a smokescreen set up by the Global Elite to obfuscate the real issues.  Also, it’s not fundamentalism to be Christ-centered and Bible-based, because the Revelation of Christ is found in the Bible, and it is there that he gives me His Word.

Q. He gives you His Word?

A. Yes.  He, unlike any other being I know, has always kept His Word.

Q. And you have not?

A. If I haven’t kept my word, it’s only because I haven’t kept His Word.

Q. What do you mean?

A. I mean that my life is no longer mine, but His.

The Questioner is silent.

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